I can’t really write what I’m about to write on FB or Twitter or one of my more popular blogs. It just wouldn’t sit right so considering I’ve just started this one I’ll let my thoughts float freely on here. I had my first book signing on Saturday and it was cool, my family showed up, readers showed up. Some bought 2 books, some bought 3 books and some were just as excited as I was. And even though I wanted to focus on the positive, the thing that stood out most to me was how the night ended.
It ended with me in my hotel suite alone.
It’s impossible to explain to people how alone I feel at times. In a room full of people, all there for you, all clapping and proud of you I simply felt alone. Women smiling and looking, waiting for me to invite them out or start a conversation and even with that I felt alone. I can’t really explain what it is or why it’s like that.
The only time I get any peace in my mind, in my heart… Is when I’m writing, when the music is playing and my thoughts are going on this laptop. I was expecting that moment yesterday where she showed up and smiled at me and I knew everything was going to be alright. The moment when I stood up to take a picture with her and my heart skipped a beat because we were so close.
That moment never came and even though my novel is living up to expectations, even though I’m writing on a level I’ve never written on before, there was still disappointment in knowing I celebrated the biggest night of my life with a 200 dollar bottle of champagne in a room alone.
Sometimes I feel like my mind is betraying me. Sleep doesn’t really come easy, they say the most talented men are the most tormented. I never knew what that meant until now.