I’m going to write about this from a male perspective because I can relate better but these can also apply to women. I’m fully aware that there are some insecure women in the world and they can learn from this also. For the sake of full disclosure I’m not writing this as some sort of relationship expert, I’m writing this as a man that has been on both sides of the fence.
I’ve been the one that was jealous and had unwarranted trust issues and I’ve been the one that had women that didn’t trust me. Now I find myself in the role of the ‘friend’ that men don’t feel comfortable with their woman being around. I’ve experienced all three phases so that’s where this is coming from.
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One… Friends of the opposite sex
Attractive women know attractive men, they’ve dated them, they’re friends with them or their girls are friends with them. Attractive women know successful men, men that have offered to take them shopping or on trips, men that have paid bills or tried to buy their love and affection. Attractive women or women of all shapes and sizes have dated enough or have lived enough life that there will always be men around.
In my personal opinion, if she’s as beautiful as you think she is, she’s going to get hit on. Whether it’s at the grocery store or coming out the gas station, it can be guys in her office or men at the gym. There is no way either one of us can control the way men look at her, there is no way we can control her male friends being attracted to her.
I said everything above to say this, if she has an attractive, successful male friend that you feel looks at her a little too closely. Don’t attack her with it, don’t give an ultimatum or decide to get a sexy friend of your own. You ask to meet him, you sit her down and say, “If this guy is your friend, I want to meet him, according to you he’s cool.” If they really are just friends she’s not going to have a problem with the three of you hanging out.
Don’t approach the man with anger or bravado; come at him like you would any other new person you’re meeting. Be polite, ask questions, be engaging and most of all watch and listen. You don’t have to tongue her down in front of him, you don’t have to talk about how you beat it up last night. Your hand on the small of her back, her hand on your knee or thigh. If she’s affectionate around you in public but tonight she’s standoffish, then maybe you worry. But in my experiences women don’t really get down like that. If she’s allowing you to meet the guy they are probably just cool.
Men and women need friends of the opposite sex, you can’t talk to your boys about everything. You need a woman’s opinion, her feel about the situation. Women need a man’s point of view, his voice about her man.
I’m not saying you have to be best friends with the man but at least introduce yourself and just let her know that you’re aware of him. You don’t have to meet him a dozen times, you don’t have to warn him. Just be you, be charming, be good to her and let her have that friendship. She had a life before you and she’s going to want to keep a part of that life with you.
Two… Where are you, who are you with, what time are you getting back?
No adult likes to be told where they can go, what time to be back or who they can hang out with. We’ve all worked places where our boss was tripping off of coming back two minutes late from lunch. We’ve all worked places where coming to work five minutes late was like a Federal Offense. So to come home and have a grown man or woman that does or doesn’t pay your bills tell you where you can or can’t go is not what’s up.
It’s literally going to force her to say, ‘fuck you!’ Maybe she was planning on going out with her girls, having a drink or two and coming home at ten. But by you coming at her with the, ‘where are you going, who’s going again? Damn, didn’t get just have a girls night two weeks ago?’ That sort of behavior isn’t becoming of potential husbands. And my writing is all dating based, I’m not married so I don’t really know how marriages work. But on a dating/boyfriend level it’s not going to get you anywhere.
Allow her to volunteer information, if she says she’s going out with the girls. 21 questions isn’t necessary, she’ll talk your ear off when she gets home, that’s what women do.
And the same goes for women when it comes to men, the worst feeling in the world is telling a woman you’re going out and she’s blowing you up. Not even at two or three am but like 10pm. Men flirt, they want to know they still have it but that does not equate to getting numbers or exchanging blackberry pins. It doesn’t mean we’re taking a woman to a room or getting a blow job in the parking lot. It simply means that it’s cool to be on the scene once and awhile.
I’m one of the most romantic men you’ll ever meet and even I need those nights where it’s me and my boys and we’re looking at asses and talking loud and showing each other pictures of hot chicks on FB.
Let people give you the when, what, where and how and I guarantee you’ll get every answer you want. But you start setting guidelines and you’ll start getting resentment.
I talked to a friend today and she was telling me how her boyfriend didn’t care for me. He was talking about how I probably didn’t sell that many books and anyone could write. I was just saying things women wanted to hear to get attention. She thought it was funny because she said he’s not the ‘jealous type.’
But she said it started getting old because he was just going on and on so then she started to wonder, ‘why is he threatened?’ You and I are just cool, why is he going on and on about what you’re not.
There is no upside to belittling or down talking another man to impress a woman because it’s usually going to have the opposite effect. Instead of her listening and thinking about how right you are, she’s going to think you’re petty. She’s going to think you have bitch tendencies. Especially if she knows the man you’re talking about and she believes in him or who he is.
If there is one thing women value over all else in a man it’s confidence. He can be an asshole, a cheater, a manipulator but if he has confidence he’ll get a couple months, maybe a couple years. You can be a good man, open doors and buy lunches but be the sort of man that has to make other men look bad for you to look good and watch how soon she gets turned off.
I’ve talked to so many women that have children from family members to readers to women I’ve dated. And no matter how sorry the father was I’ve never attacked him on a personal level. I’ll attack his actions when it comes to his children but I’ll never attack him as a man because if she had a child with him. She’s always going to have something for him; most people won’t agree with that but I believe that with all my heart.
Hating is unnecessary and it will never get you the desired results. When a woman I’m dating is looking me in my face and finding faults with another beautiful woman just because we’re cool. All I’m thinking is I’ve chosen the wrong woman.
Four… Asking about the ex
It is impossible for me to be better than him on every level. It just is, it’s not humanly possible because we’re different men and women are attracted to different traits in us. I can’t count how many women I’ve dated that talked about how different I was from their ex. But different doesn’t mean better, it just means different. Women like bad boys, they like men that have a slight edge. It’s been that way since the dawn of time, if I got arrogant and started asking and talking about why she liked him or what did she see in him. She’s going to wonder if she made the right choice or at the very least start to think about him.
And the opposite is also the same, if a woman talks to me and gets wined and dined and all the intelligence that comes with me. And then she goes to someone who’s more on the edgy side, the thug side. If he’s always talking about how lame I was or how much of a geek I am, if he’s not taking her out and saying how he doesn’t trick like me. She’s going to wonder why she downgraded.
If the man is an ex, he’s an ex for a reason. Yeah, I’m a great guy but I have all sorts of flaws and vices that can ruin a relationship so maybe she talks about the good things but there are plenty of bad. That’s why she left so you enjoy her being there with you.
With women I imagine it’s even harder because women are much more visual. If a woman knows the woman before her was flat out stunning she’s already feeling a certain way. But just because a woman is beautiful doesn’t mean she was a good woman. So if she calls too much or writes on a FB wall, comments on an old pic. That’s not the man’s fault and yelling and screaming at him about what the ex chick is not is only going to keep her front and center.
The reason why women do stuff like that in a public manner is to piss the new girl off.
Don’t let her get to you.
And men shouldn’t let the ghost of another man get to you. I hear women talk about tall, dark and handsome all the time and that’s simply hormones talking. She can watch Idris Elba all she wants on TV, he’s not walking thru that door. And if her ex had his qualities physically, he’s probably an ex because he was lacking something emotionally. So me tripping about another man is just not worth it.
Five… Lying to Kick It
A major form of insecurity is lying about what you have or your accomplishments. We all know people that can’t wait to tell you how much they make or where they used to live or how much they spent for this or that.
They don’t live there anymore or the car was crashed or they had to get a new job. Lying to a woman to make yourself look good is like lying on a job application. You may get the job and you may even stay in there and do a good job but eventually the truth comes back hard.
Most women like us simply for us, they can look at us or talk to us and tell whether or not we’re really about whatever life we’re saying we’re about. I would look foolish telling a woman I was from the streets or on some gorilla gangsta shit. Because she told me that she looked hood dudes. Lying to get in good is only serving a short term purpose and it’s embarrassing to get caught in a lie.
Be yourself, if you make minimum wage and catch the bus, that’s you. If you have a Hyundai and it runs good, don’t say you have a Benz parked in a garage across town. Because after the second date she’s going to wonder where that Benz is.
Lying to kick it is not only insecure but it’s lame and no one likes lame.
Women, it’s a lot harder to tell if she’s lying but I will say this. I’ve had women lie about the status of their ex’s and I’m assuming it was to make me step my game up but the truth is all it does is make her seem like a gold-digger or groupie. Men know most women have a past and whether it’s 3 men or 30 just be fair with me. Don’t have me running in circles with a click of guys that have ran thru you.
The first thing I touched on was the male/female friendship but even more damaging is when significant others get in the way of friendships between old friends. If that’s her girl, if they’ve been cool forever and she wants to stop by late or talk her ear off when you’re trying to get some. Let her have her friend. Her and her girl have probably been thru more than you can ever imagine and the moment you start trying to regulate that friendship is the moment the countdown to the end starts.
Women will give up a male friend for their man but a good woman isn’t giving up her home girl for a man. It’s just not going to happen because even though women can be catty, they need that friendship, that bond.
These six options are more warnings than anything, be careful about the way you approach your man or woman about their lives because at the end of the day we all want to be individuals.
We all want to have fun and feel attractive.
When a woman loves she loves hard and deep and cheating only really becomes an option when men make it an option. Or when she feels like she has to get back at you for her own sanity. So follow my sex rules and at the very least you won’t come off as insecure and jealous, that doesn’t mean she won’t leave you because you’re broke or boring. It just means she’ll know you’re secure in who you are.