“How bad is it?!” I couldn’t breathe, I was trying to catch my breath but I couldn’t breathe!
I’d never liked hospitals, I was never here for an happy occasion. Not for the birth of a child or someone getting out of a cast. It was always death and pain, always dreary and dark. Cold and sterile.
His head was down, there was blood on his shirt but I didn’t see a scratch on him. Why wasn’t he saying anything?! Why wasn’t he saying anything?!
“How bad is it!!?” I grabbed his face so that he would look at me, his eyes met my eyes and I knew. I knew, what the fuck?! What?! We were talking without talking!
“Dead?! He’s dead!!!” My mouth opened but no screams came out, the tears welled in my eyes but they didn’t fall. His face, his smile, his hands, his laugh, they all flashed before me. I saw us in bed last night, I saw the last text he sent.
“He’s not dead Keri…” I couldn’t take my eyes off the blood on his shirt, why was there so much blood on his shirt?! My hands were in my hair, I needed them there to stop them from shaking.
“WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN HE’S NOT DEAD!!!? Stop with the fucking riddles!!!” I grabbed his shirt, he pushed me away, I flew into the table! Magazines and chairs went everywhere! People in the waiting room, nurses walking by. They all stood up and looked at him, he looked at me!
How did he know?!
How did he know?!
“Bitch!!! What did you think was going to happen!? He’s in a fucking coma!!! He’s brain dead! BRAIN DEAD!!!”
He launched at me! I jumped behind a chair and tried to run, he grabbed my jacket, I came out of it! A doctor tried to grab him, he hit him in the nose! People were yelling, I didn’t look back running down the hallway! Security grabbed him, it took three of them to hold him and drag him off!
“YOU KILLED HIM! HE’S FUCKING BRAIN DEAD BECAUSE OF YOU! BECAUSE OF YOU! I’LL GET YOU FOR THIS SHIT! You killed my best friend, you killed my best friend…”
I could feel everyone looking at me, my heart was beating so fast I couldn’t hear myself think. They were all looking at me, judging me but they didn’t know. They didn’t know, it wasn’t my fault! It wasn’t my fault!
I don’t know how long I sat in the waiting room alone, the rain falling outside, the cold air causing me to sniffle. I heard him before I saw him.
“Mrs. Hall, this is always a difficult decision but your husband no brain function left. He’s only breathing with the help of a machine, do you want to unplug the machine?”
I should have called his mother, his sisters, I should have cried and asked if it was more they could do….
“Do not resuscitate him. Pull the plug.”
Two Days Ago
Lying on his chest I felt guilty. But not guilty for lying here, guilty for not feeling bad. Shouldn’t I be feeling some sort of remorse, some sort of regret? Rubbing my hand up and down his harry stomach, listening to him on the phone yell at someone. I didn’t want to go home to my husband, my husband was an important man. A good man to a lot of people but he didn’t make me feel like I felt when I was here in this room.
Our sex was always sweaty, always rough, there was never any lovemaking. Never any moments where he wanted to know if he was hurting me or if I wanted to switch positions. He would just take another position, he would just put it where he wanted and maybe I was a freak, maybe I just needed something new or different but I’ll be damned if I wasn’t whipped behind my libido.
“Look man! I’m not going to say it again, this is a business! You knew that when you came to me, get me my fucking money or we will come see you!” He slapped my ass and pushed it, the phone to his ear. After a couple of months I knew what he wanted, he got off on me riding him while he was on the phone.
Sitting on his dick, reverse cowgirl, my ass and back facing him I started to grind on him. At first it was a tight fit but now I was used to his size, my hands on his ankles I started to grind and bounce. I could hear the music in my head, I rode it to the beat.
“Just do what I’m telling you motherfucka! You made promises and promises have to be kept!!!” He hung up the phone and gripped my waist with his right hand, pulled my hair with his left.
“Do you love him?!”
I know he wanted me to say no but I did love him. He was my husband and a damn good husband but I wasn’t in love with him anymore. He put too many things in front of me, too many obligations that were more important than me! It was his fault I was here right now.
“Bitch! Do you love him!?”
I have no idea why he hated him, maybe it was me. Men were territorial, men were jealous. I knew he knew about my husband’s accomplishments, knew about his money. Every time he so much as mentioned his name he was angry.
“No baby, I don’t love him like I love you!” He flipped me over, my face was in the pillow. He spread my legs with his knee and when he put it inside there was no doubt that I loved him. I was too old to be falling in love because of good dick but I just couldn’t help it.
I was so wet the juices were coming down my leg, his finger was in my ass.
“Ahhhhh!!!” I screamed when he bit the back of my neck. I tried to move away but he wouldn’t take his mouth off my neck. I knew what he was doing, marking his territory. He wanted him to find out, wanted him to ask questions.
I was flat on my stomach, he was inside of me, we were fucking but wrestling. I didn’t want this to feel as good as it was feeling, everything in me was telling me to get this last nut and walk out of this hotel room!
Those were the mottos he lived by when he was inside of me and that shit turned me on to no end.
Lying in the bed, drained and sore, wondering how I was going to cover the bite marks. He lit a cigarette and sat down next to me, he loved being naked as much as I did. His body was amazing.
“I’m not going to share you, I’m not built for that lovey dovey shit but I won’t share you! He can get it like anyone else! He not bulletproof!”
This wasn’t his first time talking like this so I just ignored him, looking back on it I should have heard it in his voice.
Now it was too late, my husband was shot four times coming from a fundraiser. At 11:15pm the plug was pulled. My lover did it, people would be coming for me, questions would have to be answered.
This wasn’t the life I signed up for when I became the wife of an author.