I’m No Good Without You…

I knew she was leaving and never coming back. Everything in this house was mine, the televisions and plates, the forks and spoons. All she had was a closet full of clothes and shoes. All her things were in storage or being borrowed by her girlfriends. Before she showed up, before she blew into my life my house was just a house… She made this shit a home and now it was going to be a house again. We’d had our all night arguments, our cries and fights; those moments were long over

She was tired, tired of the gambling, the drinking, the arrogance to think I could fuck whoever and she would still be here in the morning. Even with her packing her things calmly and neatly, with me listening to her breath hard and watching a boxing match on mute. I can’t tell you why I cheated on her, she never turned me away when it came to sex. She always smells amazing and I can’t even remember the last time she so much as got up for a glass of water and didn’t ask me if I needed anything. I really just think it’s a case of not always thinking the grass is greener on the other side.

As much as I want to go grab her and fall to my knees, ask her to stay… It’s pointless, not because I don’t think she’ll actually give me another chance, if I beg enough, she may stay. But over the past year all I’ve done is break her trust and break her heart; the resentment runs too deep. I can feel it everytime she so much as looks at me. I had no idea when she was going to actually leave but I knew the day was coming and today was that day

Light Purple toe and finger nails, tight jeans and a black wife beater, her hair was loose and wild. I could tell she’d been crying, that’s all she’d been doing the past couple of weeks. Me trying to explain to her just made things worst so I kept my distance, gave her the bedroom while I took the guestroom. Stayed gone until I knew she would be locked in the room reading a book, complaining to a friend or crying herself to sleep. So many nights I wanted to come to her, just hold her and tell her everything was my fault and I would spend the rest of my life making it up to her; but I fucked up too many times

“Where are you going?”

“Why are you worried?” Her tone was icy, I loosened my tie and walked into the bedroom. I touched her arm, she moved away

“I’m worried because I love you.” I have no idea why I waited until she started packing to say all this

“You love me? Sure Demez…, I’m going to stay with a friend until I can find a place. My fucking furniture is spread all over the city; most of my friends have men and I’m not trying to be a third wheel so my options are limited.” I could tell she was upset, the bags under her eyes were getting to me

“You don’t have to leave until you find somewhere to stay; you know this is your home as well as it is mine.” She stopped packing and just stared at me

“ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKING ROOMMATES MEZ?! AM I SUPPOSED TO SLEEP IN THIS BED EVERY NIGHT AND PRETEND I DON’T HEAR YOU WALKING TO THE DOOR AND JUST STANDING THERE?!  I CAN’T BE IN THIS HOUSE WITH YOU BECAUSE I HATE YOU! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT!? I HATE YOU!

I knew she was angry, it was just a matter of time before it all came rushing out.

“You can hate me all you want but that doesn’t change the fact I love you and even though this is over… I don’t want you sleeping on someone’s couch or crashing from place to place until you find something you can afford. At least let me help you put a deposit on something.” I don’t know why I said that, her eyes went from hazel to red in nano seconds

“YOU CAN’T BUY MY FORGIVENESS! I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING YOU NEEDED AND YOU SHITED ON ME! THE BITCH WASN’T EVEN CUTE AND NOW YOU HAVE A LITTLE BASTARD THAT YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH! BECAUSE YOU COULDN’T WAIT TO COME HOME TO YOUR VERY FINE AND VERY WILLING WOMAN?! I DON’T WANT SHIT FROM YOU! I’LL SLEEP IN MY CAR OR CRAWL HOME TO MY DAD WITH MY TAIL BETWEEN MY LEGS BEFORE I ALLOW YOU TO RELEASE ANY OF THAT GUILT YOU’RE HOLDING!

“GOT DAMMIT! THIS ISN’T ABOUT GUILT! IT’S ABOUT ME KNOWING YOU’RE ALRIGHT! IT’S ABOUT YOU BEING TAKEN CARE OF… I KNOW I FUCKED UP, I KNOW WHAT I’M LOSING, I SEE IT EVERYDAY! BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN WE CAN’T BE CIVIL! LET ME HELP YOU! STOP BEING SO FUCKING PROUD!

“THAT’S WHERE YOU’RE WRONG, WE CAN’T BE CIVIL! THESE PAST TWO WEEKS, I HAD TO FIGHT MYSELF NOT TO STAB YOUR BITCH ASS IN YOUR SLEEP! AND I WOULD HAVE DONE IT IF I DIDN’T WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE IN PRISON!”

She turned her back on me and walked into the closet. I left out the bedroom and walked into the guestroom; I took off my tie and my watch. Took off my shoes and just sat on the bed, she was leaving, she was really leaving. I guess it hadn’t really hit me until this last argument

Until these past couple moments.

JESUS CHRIST!!! SHE WAS REALLY LEAVING!!! MY HEART WAS BEATING, I COULDN’T STOP CRYING, I WAS A MAN… I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO CRY! I STOOD UP AND WIPED MY EYES, TOOK OFF THE REST OF MY CLOTHES AND GOT IN THE SHOWER… THE HOT WATER WAS BURNING ME, BUT I NEEDED IT TO BURN ME, I NEEDED TO STOP THESE TEARS FROM FALLING! I HATED MYSELF FOR MY WEAKNESS, FOR MY STUPIDITY! WHY DID I DO THE THINGS I DID

“WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SO STUPID?!!!” I YELLED OUT LOUD IN THE SHOWER, LOSING HER WAS MAKING ME LOSE MY MIND

I stepped out the shower, put on a pair of pajama pants. Her name was on my chest in Latin. Before I got the tattoo we must have checked twelve times to make sure it was the right translation. I wiped my face and started walking… I knew where I was going but I didn’t know what I was going to say or how I was going to say it

She was sitting on the bed reading some letters I’d written her months ago; I could see her tears falling on the letters, the bottle of wine and the single glass on the dresser

“Get out of here.” Her tone was icy!

“It’s my house.” My tone was indifferent.

“Please leave me alone… Please.” She took a sip of wine but didn’t look up at me.

“Come here.

I pushed her down on the bed and bit her collarbone as hard as I could without drawing blood, she tried to push me away but I pinned her arms and spread her legs with my thighs.

“I LOVE YOU! I FUCKED UP BUT I LOVE YOU!” She was biting at me! Trying to scratch me!

“GET OFF ME! YOU ONLY LOVE YOURSELF, GET OFF ME PLEASE!

I came off her body and kissed her mouth, she kept moving her head but I kept finding her mouth. I wasn’t a rapist, I let her hands go and took the pressure off her body, she pushed me away and slapped me.

I HATE YOU! I FUCKING HATE YOU!” Her mouth was saying one thing but her nipples were saying another, her lips were saying another

She bit the side of my neck until I think she did draw blood but the pain meant nothing to me, I grabbed her waist and bit her nipple threw her tank top, she wasn’t wearing a bra. She was cursing at me and moaning at me at the same time; we hadn’t went a couple of days without sex the entire year we’d been together. Let alone two weeks, she hated me, she loathed me but her body needed me. I could feel it, I could sense it

I pushed her back and ripped off her jeans, I pushed her tank over her breasts around her neck! I had both my hands rubbing her nipples while my mouth was on that spot behind her ear, she was touching herself, still cursing at me, still moaning at me

“THIS….. DOESN’T…. CHANGE….. A THING! A STILL….. STI…. STILLL. FUCKING HATE YOU! OHHH MY GOD!!!”

I could hear how wet she was by the sounds her fingers were making inside of her. I pulled her to the edge of the bed and took her hands in mine, I licked every drop off her fingers, I knew in my heart tonight was going to be the last time. I wanted to savor every drop. I started on the inside of her right thigh right above the birthmark; next I went to the mole right above her clit, I lingered there for a minute. And then I found heaven! My right hand was inside her, two fingers, then three. I was pushing so hard, trying to fuck her with my hand. She was bouncing off the bed, grabbing my head and I think she was trying to smother me. I didn’t fight it

“YOU’LL NEVER TASTE THIS AGAIN!!! AHHHHHH!!!! AHHHHH!!!! NEVER!!! I HATE YOU!!!!

I stuck my left hand in her mouth to shut her up, she bit my fingers but I took the pain, I took it out and started to play with her right nipple. It was my favorite or whatever reason, it was the one I held at night when we slept or played with when we were on the couch watching a movie

I could feel her body releasing those juices… The way she came from my tongue was different than the way she came when I was inside of her, she came really hard. I couldn’t tell if it was the intensity of her hate fueling her or if it was the time we’d not touched each other. She held my head there after she was finished, I stopped sucking, stopped licking but I didn’t move my face. I needed to smell her scent, inhale her flavor, keep them in my memory banks. I stood up and stepped out my pajama pants I tried to enter her, she pushed me away.

“GET A CONDOM YOU NASTY BASTARD!”

There were tears in her eyes, there were tears in mine. Hers were hate, mine were despair. I reached into the nightstand and pulled out a condom.

“I don’t want to see your face! I can’t look at you, you broke me, you took my spirit! I l love you… you stupid man… YOU STUPID STUPID STUPID MAN!” She turned over and placed her ass in the air in front of me. I pushed my way inside of her, she was tight, two weeks was an eternity! I didn’t start slow, I went hard, I pulled her tank top while I tried to give her every fucking inch! She just took it, she didn’t moan, she didn’t push it back to meet me, she just let me have my way with her… And I couldn’t… I couldn’t…

“DON’T STOP! DON’T YOU FUCKING STOP YOU BASTARD!”

She turned around and slapped me pushed me on the floor, climbed on top of me and placed me inside of her. She rode me like I swear she’d never ridden me before!

“FUCK! FUCK! THIS FEELS SO GOOD BABY!”

“I’M NOT YOUR FUCKING BABY! SHUT UP YOU CHEATING BASTARD!”

She stuck her hand in my mouth and she was trying to make me deep throat her fingers. I could still taste her on her hand; I swallowed the hell out of those fingers.

“I’m about to cum!” I was talking but I couldn’t even understand what I was saying it was feeling so good!

“NO YOU’RE NOT!” She got off me and turned around and sat on my face, she was so wet, I could barely breath but I bit and sucked and licked until she had no choice but to scream out! But to call out in pleasure. My fingers were in her asshole, her sweet spot, I was slapping her ass, it was a messy treat!

“I FUCKING HATE YOU! I WANT TO SUCK YOUR DICK SO BAD BUT I DON’T KNOW WHERE THAT THINGS BEEN! I’LL NEVER SUCK IT AGAIN! NEVER!”

I grabbed her hair and pulled her back off me, she was on her back and I went inside her. I could feel her nails raking my back! Her eyes burning thru me but I didn’t stop, I made her feel my love for her and then just like that it was over.

She didn’t say a word, she just pushed me off of her, took off her panties and tank top and threw them at me             

“You hold on to those Demez! You smell them; hold them, because that’s the last memory you’re going to have of me.” She didn’t even shower or kiss me goodbye, she just put on her jeans, a t-shirt and a jacket, grabbed her two suitcases and walked out the door.

I didn’t move from my spot on the floor for I don’t know how long; when I finally got up. I put on my pajama pants, walked downstairs and her key was on the kitchen table along with the garage door opener. My 60” plasma had a knife in the middle of it, my hardwood floors were flooded with water and all the downstairs furniture was either ripped up or smelled of bleach. I couldn’t even get mad…

I knew I deserved all of it.

2 thoughts on “I’m No Good Without You…

  1. Reblogged this on demezw and commented:

    “I don’t want to see your face! I can’t look at you, you broke me, you took my spirit! I l love you… you stupid man… YOU STUPID STUPID STUPID MAN!” She turned over and placed her ass in the air in front of me. I pushed my way inside of her, she was tight, two weeks was an eternity! I didn’t start slow, I went hard, I pulled her tank top while I tried to give her every fucking inch! She just took it, she didn’t moan, she didn’t push it back to meet me, she just let me have my way with her… And I couldn’t… I couldn’t…

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s