“Stop lying! You know you miss me!” She was standing too close to me, I had to back up. Why I was here in this park I didn’t know?
“You can’t even look at me, look at me and tell me you don’t miss me Demez…” I pushed her hands away, she was pulling at my shirt. I was lying to myself, I knew why I was here. But I wouldn’t tell her that.
“I don’t miss you.”
It was a beautiful day outside, I’m sure December in New York or Chicago meant snow and pea coats. In Houston it meant sixty five degree weather and sun glasses. When she asked me to meet her there was no hesitation, no anger. I was pissed at myself for not telling her to go to hell! For not telling her to leave me the fuck alone!
My mind wanted me to be angry, to be bitter but my heart wouldn’t allow that. I was disgusted at myself that the thought of seeing her aroused me. Excited me and now here I was, trying to find closure in a place that used to bring me so much pleasure.
“Do you love me?” She was standing next to me, her head on my shoulder. Her voice confident and soft like she already knew the answer. I turned and faced the sun, maybe the light would blind me into some good sense. This bitch was poison!
I felt her arms wrap around me, her lips on the back of my neck. I turned around and put my hands on her shoulders, pushed her away with more force than I intended. She almost fell but I caught her!
“What is your fucking problem!? You know you miss me! You know you still love me! Who are you putting on this show for? It’s just me and you out here! I fucked up, I was confused and I thought that’s what I needed to do! Don’t shut me out! Don’t act like you don’t miss me!”
Her arms were folded, her oversized shades were shielding her eyes but I could see the tears. Why did her tears still mean something to me? Were they even real tears… I wanted to hold her and kiss her and tell her everything was going to be alright but our situation was still the same. He was still in her life and I’d still resent her after she drove off.
But was resentment a stronger emotion than love? Than passion? That lust…
Because right now all I could do was reach out and touch her hair, caress her face and pull her to me. We’re all addicted to something and I suppose I was addicted to her. I closed my eyes to kiss her and her lips felt like I remembered, her tongue and my tongue still meshed perfectly.
The hunger, the chemistry that was there from the beginning was still there today! But still I pushed her away, I didn’t let her go, her silk blouse was still in my hands but I pushed her away.
“Stop fighting this! Stop it! What bitch is kissing you like that!? Who do you have this kind of chemistry with!? I still get wet when I read your writing; I still touch myself when I imagine your voice put to those words! Don’t push me away, not today! Not today!”
Our cars shielded us from the people around us, she took my hand and slid it up her skirt. I tried to move it, we were in a park but she wouldn’t let it go. She wanted me to feel how wet she was, how serious she was. She took my other hand and placed it on her chest, her heart was beating a mile a minute!
“It’s beating like that because I’m here with you! And I know yours is beating the same way!” I bit my lip and rubbed the finger that was inside of her across my tongue…
“Don’t you get it!? I couldn’t share you then and I can’t share you now! The thought of him touching you, kissing you! Even being in the same fucking room with you eats me up! Being the bigger person isn’t easy for me! But I would rather watch you be happy with him than rip you in half! Can you understand that?”
She took her shades off and her pretty brown eyes were glistening from the tears. “Do you love me? Do you love me!?”
I put my head in my hands and turned away from her again.
“You are so willing to walk out of my life! Fight for me got dammit! Fight for me! Stop being the better man and act like you need me as much as I need you! Act like it kills you to see him touching me! Show me this is about more than your pride Demez… Because I’m trying to give myself to you and you’re fucking it up baby! You’re fucking it up!”