On days like to day I usually experience two emotions. The first being lust. I love rainy cold days and what they mean when it comes to sex. The foggy windows, the sound of the water hitting the roof, lazy days of snacking and fucking. It’s like the perfect formula for making you remember why you’re with someone.
Now in the spirit of honesty it’s been awhile since I’ve had one of those days but I still hold out hope that I’ll have plenty of them in the future. So I won’t complain.
The second emotion is a little more on the deep side, when it’s like it us outside. When Christmas lights are up and toy commercials pop up every fifteen minutes I really ask myself who misses me?
And I’m fully aware that we all have families, I have a huge family. But I’m not really talking about my family because they’re almost obligated to miss me if something happens to me. I mean if I died tomorrow who would mourn me? I have no wife, no child, I’m not close with anyone on a bestfriend level.
I would like to think that I’m a good man, that I treat people right but at the end of the day does that matter if you don’t have a real connection with anyone? I joke sometimes that I’m just going to get a ‘baby-mama’ then at least I would know I’d have a son in this world and I would know she cared enough about me to have a child with me.
Now I’m a pretty smart man so I know that logic sounds silly as hell but it’s just how I’ve been feeling lately. Like, when it’s like this I just need to know that I’m wanted or missed or even thought about. I think that’s why I started writing in the first place, to be relevant.
Writing allows me to share my thoughts with people, to have people be just as invested in me as I am in myself. And as much as I love writing, I know it’ll never fill the void I have, maybe nothing will fill this void.
You know why I stopped writing on FB; it wasn’t because I want to get sponsorship money for my blog or because my publishers or PR people were telling me to stop writing so much. I stopped writing on FB because I want people to read my writing because they want to, not because they were tagged or see some likes. It’s the same reason why I don’t talk about Walking Down the Aisle constantly, having people read because they’re excited about my words is important to me.
Having someone be excited about me is important to me.
And that terrifies me also because I’m not stupid, I realize that if women see how much I need this void filled someone is going to take advantage of it. But do I even mind if they do is the question I ask myself?
Anyway, these are just some Sunday afternoon thoughts, I guess I’ll get back to the Texans now.
Demez F. White