I couldn’t sleep, it was three in the morning and I couldn’t sleep because I was worried about her. We stopped being lovers a long time ago, she’d become more than that, she’d become my friend. The last time I talked to her she was up stressing and praying, I could hear it in her voice without her saying a word about it to me. She was trying to protect me more than lie to me, she knew in her heart if he ever hurt her I would hurt him.
I had no idea what her attraction to him was and I’d stop asking a long time ago, it wasn’t my place to judge. I’d loved and chased after my fair share of women that didn’t deserve me and I’d also been on the other end of the stick. Treating women like shit that deserved so much better, in most stories people want to play the victim but we’ve all been villains at one point or another. God knows I’ve played that role more times than I could count.
In a pair of pajama pants, no t-shirt, no socks, red eyes and a cup of hot chocolate in my hands I paced back and forth… My cell phone sitting on the table, my Bose playing softly throughout the living room, I wanted her to call me back, I needed her to call me back. I had to make sure she was okay. It was hard because I never knew the full story when it came to her and him, all I knew was that he didn’t deserve her.
My life wasn’t very complicated, I didn’t have baby mama issues or family drama, I wasn’t on any drugs or chasing pussy every night. My life was pretty ordinary until she came alone, she was like a hurricane that swallowed me up and rebuilt me. At first I thought she was the worst thing that ever happened to me, she was all I thought about day and night, when we made love I swear I was seeing stars and shit. And then we were no longer that couple, hell, I don’t know if we were ever a couple but that was cool because through it all she was always honest with me about where we stood with each other.
And I loved her for that… I still love her because of that.
We were kindred spirits, both hopeless romantics, she loved to read and I loved to write. We both knew way to many designers we couldn’t afford, she wanted to make love on yachts in the French Rivera I wanted to make love on top of Penthouses over looking New York or Miami. Our ambitions and materialistic natures drew us into each other. When we met I was broken, alone and missing something, someone. She was probably the same way but I can’t speak for her, I just knew it was a natural chemistry.
Those days of us lying in bed holding each other and discussing the future seemed like a lifetime ago, we still talked everyday but the conversation was rarely sexual anymore. It was about life and love and our careers, our families and the day to day shit we all went thru.
I saw my phone lighting up on the table; her face came on the screen… I grabbed it and answered.
“Hello!” I tried to keep the anxiety out of my voice, tried to keep it level.
“Hey babe,” at two thirty in the morning with the weight of the world on her shoulders she calm and sexy as always.
“What’s up Nic… Why are you running around with that boy at this time of the morning?”
“We were out clubbing; he’s in his car seat knocked out anyway, when he was a newborn. This was the only way I could get him to stop crying some nights. I would load him up and just drive the loop, he’s still mommy’s baby.”
“He’s only like fourteen months girl and you aren’t answering my question, why are you and Josh out this time of night?” I could hear her sigh, I knew she would never tell me the whole story, sometimes I wished I could read her mind.
“I’m not happy, I haven’t been for a long time, it’s just a lot going on in this mind of mine. I’m headed to my mom’s, I just feel comfortable, at ease when I’m around her. I’m going to be dead tired in the morning.”
“Why aren’t you happy?” I didn’t want to feel what I did for her because when she hurt, I hurt. And I knew she wasn’t happy, I could see it like she could see when something was bothering me.
“It’s just a long story… It’s not even something I can explain like that, I had this image of my life, this way I expected things to go.” Her voice never changed, that was one of the things I marveled at about her. She could be hurting something serious and it would never sound like she had more than a cold.
“I understand completely, life isn’t perfect though, God alters plans.”
“It’s amazing, when you first meet someone the love is pure, the actions and reactions come so natural. And over time either the person changes or the real them comes out; I know you love me, I’m not blind and I love that you can be my friend without judging me. That’s more important to me than you know.”
“It’s not my place to tell you what you should do, I just need you to know that he doesn’t deserve you.”
“I know babe… I know…. Sometimes I wish we could have met in a different time, a different life, you’re going to be a great father, a great husband.”
“I don’t deal in fantasies, I met you in this life in this world and I don’t regret that. You’re a strong woman, I know you can deal with a lot but the thing is… You shouldn’t have to.”
“Life isn’t fair… I’m a though cookie.”
“It’s cool to let someone take care of you, to let them be there for you. You’re too beautiful of a person to carry those burdens alone.”
“My burdens are my on my cross to bear; I have my reasons babe and maybe they only make sense to me but they’re my reasons. I know you care, I know you love me but I have to do this my way.”
I took the phone away from my ear and rubbed my eyes, my love for her was my cross to bear.
“Okay, I’ve made it to my mom’s house, thanks for staying on the phone with me. I’ll call you in the morning.”
“Alright, get some sleep.”
She hung up; it killed me to know there was nothing I could do to help her. Sometimes you had to let someone go if you really loved them. I would let her handle her issues her own way, she was a good person and God wouldn’t forsake her.
Placing my phone on the table, grabbing the remote and muting the Marsha Ambrosius I wiped my eyes and fell to the floor on my knees. I clasped my hands together and closed my eyes,
Dear Heavenly Father,
I know I don’t come to you as much as I should and you know my heart… I’m not coming to you this morning for myself; you’ve blessed me more than I could ever ask. I’m here on this day to ask that you give my friend clarity and guidance, that you protect her and bring her happiness. That you give her the life she deserves! You know the love I have in my heart but I would happily give her up if that means she’ll have a genuine smile. I know you’re a powerful God, a jealous God… but more than that you’re a merciful God!!! And I need you to have mercy on her! I need you to lift her spirits and allow her to be the woman we both know she’s destined to be. I’m sure billions of people pray to you every day and night asking you for riches, cures to cancer, peace of mind… I don’t want any of that for myself, I’ll sacrifice whatever you need me to; just give her the life she deserves. I know I’m in no position to make deals with a man of your caliber but if you do this I’ll spend my life honoring you. I’ll spend my life being a better man…
If you give her happiness, I’ll let her go. You say put no man before you, I’ve put her before you in my heart and I know that’s wrong. Give her happiness and I’ll sacrifice my own… In your darling son Jesus’s name.
I stood up, cut my music back on, traded in my hot chocolate for Hennessy and Orange Juice and sent my job an e-mail saying I wouldn’t be in till noon. Life isn’t perfect but we have to make the best our of our situations. Everything would work out for us because God wouldn’t have it any other way.