Crown and Bud Light to toast my 50th post…
This is my 50th post on my blog, I’m sort of excited about that. It seems that lately writing is all I have and I’m coming to accept that. This hasn’t been a good start to the year. I’ve had more fights than hugs, more nights drinking than nights going to church or praying. When I first started writing my PR people told me I should pick an image and stick with it. If I wanted to be this playboy guy, go with that. If I wanted to be this smart guy women wanted to marry, go with that. But whatever I pick, be good at it.
As much as I knew their advice made sense I also realized early on that that would never work because I’m too much like Demez. Some days I feel unstoppable, invincible and some days I feel like I just want to stay in bed. The thing I know about myself is that I’m normal. I have good and bad days, I make peoples days and I disappoint people.
I went to my fathers house on Christmas Eve and those people were strangers to me! Strangers! My own father didn’t know me, I can’t describe how that feels. To have my own father look at me like a stranger! And when I left that house there wasn’t a soul to call to express the hate and resentment and regret I had in my heart.
Not a fucking soul… I sat in my driveway, no music, no lights, just thinking about all the memories those people made without a thought of me! Thinking about how sad it was that with all the women in my phone, on the outskirts of my life. That I didn’t have anyone to be completely honest with.
I write everyday for so many people to get to the point of making money and building a reputation! I go to work and work my ass off! I push the people around me, I push myself because I don’t want to be a failure! I can’t live with myself if I’m a failure! I fight the urge to give up, to drink myself to sleep and to just give the fuck up every day!
I went to church Sunday and all I could think was why did God make this life where it was only me?! I have talent, I have ambition, I have so much to give someone but yet and still it always ends up that they leave or that I sabotage it.
I smile and have the ability to be charming and I can be mean and a complete asshole.
But regardless of all that I would like to think it matters. The man I am, the person I am, I would like to think it matters to someone. The women I know, the ones I’ve talked to, this is what I’ve never understood.
They’ve dealt with men that cheated on them, brought babies home on them. Stole and lied on them and to them, serious shit that is spirit breaking and they’ve loved these men and gave them all the chances in the world. But yet and still I get judged on this level that is just high. I’m talking, not returning calls, Facebook statuses, drinking too much. I literally have no room for mistakes and when I do make them it’s almost as if I’ve destroyed this sacred bond.
I don’t mind expectations; I’ve dealt with them my entire life. When you do the right things people expect you to do the right things. When you take care of situations people expect you to take care of situations.
But it can get tiring, living with this constant feeling of disappointment. I’ll give you all a timeline.
Early December I had a friend stop talking to me because I stopped following her on Twitter.
Later that week I had a woman tell me she lost faith in me because I wasn’t perfect. Those were her exact words, ‘I thought you were perfect and you let me down.’
New Years Eve I was just off, I was sleepy, it was a weird night. One I can’t begin to explain. And she was upset about that (in this case I can’t blame her.)
Yesterday I had someone tell me my word was trash and they don’t believe in me.
Today I had someone basically tell me they’ve stopped talking to me because of FB statuses. Yes, there goes that Social Networking again.
The thing is I could live with any one of these and in a way maybe I brought all of them on myself but it’s hard to live with all of them in such a short span. These aren’t relationships that went bad or situations were shit got real and people were hurt or lied to. These are situations were the standards were set and because I didn’t live up to them I was dismissed.
The hardest thing in the world is trying to explain to people why I am the way I am. That if I wanted to date and sleep around that would be easy, if I wanted to lie and play women that would come natural. But honestly, I would be happy with a friend, not a date or a jumpoff but a woman that was truly my friend above all else.
Maybe it leads to more, maybe it doesn’t. But this idea that I can be given up on so soon for reasons that would get other men a hug and a kiss fucks me up. I have a big family, a huge loving family but I’m not close with any of them on my mothers or fathers side.
I know a lot of people; there isn’t a party or social event in the black community that I won’t know a face or two but I don’t consider any of those people my friends. I’ve been a loner my entire life, socialible when need be, smart when need be but it’s always been just me.
My mother has my three little sisters and my stepfather, we’ve never been close. My grandparents have each other and I was raised knowing that it was just me. They were there for me and they loved me but in my mind, in my heart it was just me!
I’ve lived my entire life like that, no matter how close I got to someone I was never all in, never close enough that it matters. Always scared to be that person because I always knew they would leave.
I’ve never lived with a woman; I haven’t spent the night in a bed with someone in a year or more maybe.
This hasn’t been a good day, it hasn’t been the start to a good year. I know people want you to be happy and excited all the time! Jesus loves happy people, you have too much going for you to be like this.
Understand me! I will always push myself to be great! I will never give up but there are times when all I want, all I need is to know that someone is in this with me! That people won’t walk away at the first sign of problems. I think I deserve that much because I’m starting to lose my mind.
I’m tired of losing people that I thought were friends, that I thought cared. I’m tired of fucking up with people that believe in me. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t mix my liquor anymore, it’s all straight. That scares the hell out of me to be honest.
It scares the hell out of me because with all my talent and all my will to be great I fear that without anyone else in this life of mine I’ll self-destruct. I walk away from conflict, from people that walk away from me. I’m sure they want me to fight or call or forgive but I walk away. I have my entire life. I’m tired of walking away. I’m tired of having to start over… I miss smiles.
I know I’ll spend my birthday alone, probably Valentines too. But at least I’ll sell books right J At least I’ll sell books.
These are the ramblings of a future New York Times Bestselling Author, if no one else believes this I believe it.