“Can you drop me off at the airport tonight? I took my car to the shop today.” Most people hated packing, it was actually one of my favorite things to do. It was sort of the calm before the storm that was airport life.
She hadn’t been talking much but I figured it was because she had a three day weekend and I spent the entire thing at a computer in my office. I’d get her something in DC to make up for it.
“Raquel! Can you take me to the airport baby?” She just sat on the couch with her laptop ignoring me, her headphones were in but I knew she heard me. What I could never understand was why she stayed over here if she was mad, she had her own place.
I ignored it and went back in the bedroom to finish packing, a cab to the airport was going to be ridiculous but it was too late to call anyone else.
“Hello, can I get a cab at 909 Texas Avenue, Houston, TX 77002. Have him call when he’s downstairs and I’ll come down. Thanks.”
“I didn’t say I wasn’t going to take you!” She was standing in the doorway, glasses on, sweats, thermal top. She was more comfortable here than I was but I didn’t mine, hell, she was here more than me anyway.
“You didn’t seem like you were in the mood so it’s cool, I called a cab. Go back to whatever it is you were doing.” I turned around to go back to packing.
She wasn’t saying anything but I could tell she was behind me. We hadn’t had an argument in awhile, it wasn’t really our thing. Things were pretty good and she was just as busy as I was so I got the mood swings, work could be stressful.
“Do you want to know what I’m always doing on my computer?” Her tone was confrontational but I knew my cab would be here soon and this didn’t seem like a five minute conversation. Why she would wait until I was about to leave to bring it up was beyond me.
I just kept packing, another watch, deodorant, a couple ties.
“I’m on the computer talking to my ex, we Skype, we’ve had lunch a couple times. He’s a good guy and he has time for me. I don’t feel like an accessory.” I dropped everything on the bed and turned to look at her. She was crying, were her tears supposed to move me? She was in my house, using my wifi, my electricity to talk to another man?!
“Get the fuck out of my Loft! When I come back I don’t want any thing of yours in here, leave the key at the desk downstairs. Fuck you and fuck him too.”
“Really!? Really?! After two fucking years you just put me out, you don’t even want to talk about this?! We talk and hung out but I didn’t do anything with him, I’m just lonely! Can’t you understand that!? I’m just tired of sitting here with you in the next room like I don’t exist! Three days and three nights I was over here and you barely touched me, barely looked at me when I got out the shower or walked around naked! All you fucking care about is your writing and I’m lonely! I just wanted someone to talk to!”
She was talking and the more she talked the more I wanted to hit her; I’d never hit a woman in my life but if she didn’t just stop and leave I was going to lose it! I paced the bedroom and tried to focus on happier times but all I kept seeing is her on my couch smiling and giggling because of another man. The more I thought about it the angrier I became!
“Fuck!” I slammed my fist into the wall, it hurt like hell but I wasn’t going to let her see that.
“Fuck!” When it happened on TV the wall broke, the wall was fine, it was my hand that felt broke.
“Wow! You’re actually capable of getting mad! Capable of showing emotion! Do you really want me to leave?! I’ve been good to you, I’ve stood by you through the mood swings and late nights! Through the bullshit publishers and changing careers! I’ve been here! You’re going to talk to me GOTDAMMIT!!!”
I shook my hand and took a deep breath. “I don’t have shit to say to you Raquel, just leave!”
“Why is it so hard for you to fight for me?! To tell me you want me to stay!? How can you be so in love with me last night and today you can just want me to leave because I was talking to another man! How about you talk to me!? Can you do that please! Can you tell me why the hell writing is so much more important than me!? Please! Please!”
How the hell did I not see this coming? How did I not know she was feeling this way?!
“For once in your life! Don’t walk away from something that you can’t control! You expect perfection from everyone around you, loyalty but when I’m asking you to fight for me! To show me you care you just shut me out! He didn’t touch me! I would never let another man touch me but I needed someone to talk to! Can’t you understand that?!”
I grabbed her arms and pinned her against the wall!
She wasn’t trying to push me off of her, even with all this I still hated to see her cry. Was this my fault?
“Why did you tell me? Why did you tell me there was someone else?”
“I’m telling you because you need to know you can’t take me for granted! Because I don’t want anyone else but I’m tired of feeling like I’m always running in second! You know I love your writing and I love how passionate you are about it but there are days when I need more baby! Don’t shut me out! Please! I love you!”