I often wonder what’s the matter with me?
What is it about me that pushes people away?
I’m sitting here and I can’t stop thinking about why I’m not in bed with someone. The dating, the randomness, the same conversations over the same drinks at the same restaurants. It’s just getting old and I’m losing my mind.
Slowly but surely I’m losing my mind.
My grandparents are having their 50th Anniversary dinner tomorrow, I’ll be there dateless and thinking that even if I get married on Sunday the odds of us being married for 50 years are slim. The odds that I’ll ever get married are looking slim.
No woman has ever said I wasn’t a good man or a good person but they all say the same thing, ‘Demez, you’re just so withdrawn, afraid to commit.’ I wish they were wrong but the truth is they aren’t. I am afraid to commit because I’m not like most guys.
And I’m aware that most men say that but I’m actually serious, I love women and I take every woman I’ve ever dated or slept with or loved so seriously. The last two women I talked to and it went bad it almost broke me; I honestly don’t know how I made it. I suppose the grace of God.
I just can’t do that again, I can’t be that into someone and it doesn’t work out because I’ll lose it. My passion makes me a great writer and a good friend and a son and brother and cousin that people can always depend on. But it has a downside, a dark side. My passion can be so deep and involved that it scares people.
It scares me…
I don’t call people or text people or write on FB walls to make claims. I’m not built like that. So when I fall I have all this energy, all this love, all these words and I put my pride to the side. But now I’m just starting to think none of it is worth it anymore.
I used to think my biggest fear in life was not being successful or not having a son. My biggest fear is that no one will mourn for me when I die, that no woman will keep me in her heart when that day comes. That scares me to death.
I’ll crash and burn sooner than later. I just hope I find peace of mind before that happens.