Desire Is In The Heart…


“Hey baby, it’s me, I haven’t talked to you in a couple of days. I’m just calling to see how you’re doing. I saw on Facebook that you got that promotion, I was wondering if you wanted me to take you out to celebrate? I won’t leave a long message, just call me back when you can, I miss you.”

Hanging up the phone I swear I felt like I was seventeen and not thirty one, why was I on the phone leaving voicemails for a grown boy? Sitting on the couch, my laptop on his FB page, I felt like I was stalking his movements. Why was it so easy for him to go out and date and meet new people and just live life period. I can’t eat, I’m always tired but I can’t sleep, it’s just not fair.

I’ve never been one of those women that looked in the mirror and couldn’t see my own beauty, I knew what men saw and I knew why they went crazy over me. But why couldn’t he see it, why couldn’t he act right.

“It’s Gale again… I was just wondering where you were, making sure you’re alright. I was looking thru my camera and I saw some old pictures of us in Miami, it seems like a lifetime ago but it was just last Christmas. I was thinking about going back for my birthday, I thought of you. Call me.”

I threw my phone on the couch and walked into the kitchen, I’ve never been much of a drinker but I swear this man was testing my tolerance. I looked in the fridge and pulled out a bottle of wine, one wine glass. I was fully dressed at seven in the afternoon on a Saturday with nowhere to go, a pair of tights, a cute sweater and my boots and socks on the floor in front of the couch. The apartment was spotless and I didn’t have an e-mail or call to return in the world.

The thing people don’t understand is that sometimes you can get so caught up in your relationship that you neglect other aspects of your life. For two years I blew off my home girls when they invited me on vacations or girls nights. I flaked on Happy Hours and shopping trips, all so I could be caked up on the couch with my “boo.” And instead of getting the ring, I’m left with a four year gap in reality?! Numbers are disconnected, I send an email or message or FB and it’s like I’m a stranger. Thank God I never lost touch with my mother or sister but the thing is, we never actually got along. Just too much alike I suppose.

I was so caught up in my thoughts that I didn’t notice my blackberry blinking; I had a voicemail. I picked up the phone and decided against checking to see how called first, I just wanted to listen to the message. It had to be him, GOD!!! Why do I sound so desperate?!

“What’s up Gale, I thought we had plans last night, I called a couple of times and once again this morning. I hope you’re okay, if you need anything let me know. I’m free tonight if you want to do anything? A buddy of mine has tickets to the House of Blues if you want to see that Jazz Trio. You know the number, call or text me. This is Wallace by the way.”

I threw the phone back on the couch; this is the sort of shit that makes me think the Universe has something against me! Wallace is someone I met about two months ago, nice guy, cute, great dresser but he’s not Demez. We don’t have that same chemistry and I know that comes with time but the truth is I just don’t have the time right now. Mentally speaking; I didn’t even realize I stood him up last night, I just forgot about our date. He’s a cool guy to kill some time with but that’s all it’s going to be and now he’s offering me Coltrane and Duke Ellington covers at the House of Blues. I’m already dressed to go out… But what if Demez calls and says he wants to do something, then I’m stuck.

But I know his lying ass isn’t going to call! At least I don’t think. I grabbed my phone.

“Mez! It’s Gale, I’m thinking about going out tonight so if you wanted to do something you should call me back or at least send me a text. Men are over here choosing and you’re fucking up! Just playing but I’m sort of serious.” I laughed. “I’ll give you like twenty minutes babe.”

Drinking my second glass of wine, I went to my iPod and turned on the song I’ve had on repeat since Tuesday. For some reason music has a way of literally speaking to the soul, conveying what you’re thinking or feeling.

Verse 1-

Two years since you walked away from me

Since all of our scattered dreams

Were just thrown away

I’m finally gettin back to what I used to be

Share my pain with my familyThink I’m on my way

I can sleep at night,

I don’t reach for you when I wake up

But it’s taken some timeI can live my life

Without praying that we could make up

I’m movin on, I’m feeling strong inside

-Chorus 1-

But sometimes I cry, babe

When I’m all alone

With this heart of mine

Sometimes I cry, babe

Although you’ve been gone

For a long, long time

The thing is it hasn’t been two years but it feels that long, when you get used to sleeping next to someone, feeling their body next to yours. It because somewhat addictive, you get use to the soap he uses and the cologne he wears. What time he gets up at night to go to the bathroom or what faces he’s making when you’re making love. Wallace is a very unselfish lover and it wasn’t bad sex but I’ve never been able to separate my emotions from my vagina. I need to be mentally stimulated and feeling something more than dick in order to get that big complete orgasm. I felt like I was cheating when I let another man touch me and how fucking stupid is that?! I look on his FB and all I see is “I’m going out tonight,” “I can’t wait to talk to her in the morning,” I mean, he isn’t talking about me obviously. So why is it so hard to let go.

“WHY IS IT SO HARD TO LET GO!!!!???” I was yelling at the damn walls, I needed to get out of this house. ASAP!

I didn’t feel like Wallace talking me ear off nor did I want him coming over and my tipsy ass giving him some “Clear my mind sex” so I just sent a text. Don’t you just love technology…

“Hey Wallace, I got your message, I’m sorry about last night. I would love to go to HOB with your tonight; you know Jazz is my thing. But I have to pick up my little sister from work at like 2am so I’ll just meet you up there. Maybe we can even go to Lucky Stripe if we have time, my treat : )”

I sort of felt bad for lying to him but not really, I told him when we started dating that he should date other people. Not to put too many eggs in this basket. And yes, I am using him to get some drinks and listen to some jazz and get this man out of my system but can you really help where the heart wants to be?  My phone vibrated immediately.

“OKAY COOL! I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU! I really do hate that you have to drive in the dark but call me when you get close and that way we can park close to each other. See you in a few : )”

See, that’s the sort of shit I’m talking about, this man just met me a couple of months ago and he’s excited just to park next to me and I can’t get this asshole to even call me back?! I put on my boots, checked my hair and lip gloss in the mirror and smiled at what I saw, I was a beautiful woman… Fuck him!

“Hey Demez! So now your phone is off huh!? Well don’t worry about trying to get in touch with me, I have plans now. Good luck with your promotion and I’m tired of trying to get in touch with you, I just wanted to talk to you. I don’t deserve to be ignored; I thought we were better than that? Bye.”

I walked out the door, locked it and got in my car to have some fun and maybe… Just maybe Wallace might get some “Clear my mind sex” tonight! I’m single, I don’t owe anyone any explanations.

Driving down the street, getting on the freeway I couldn’t help but think about how fucked up memories were. When you’re making them they seem like the most special things in the world, the sex, the stolen kisses, the pictures that you share with the world and the ones you keep hidden away. And then when it ends, those same memories haunt you.

But they would haunt me no more…. FUCK THAT!

I picked up my vibrating phone out the cup holder; I just knew it was Wallace calling to make sure I was still coming. I guess I would do the same thing if I was him.


“Hey Gale, I just got your messages. I was knocked out, I would love to celebrate with you tonight. I know it’s been awhile and maybe we’re just going in circles but I do miss you to. I know you said you have plans but if you can get out of them, I was thinking we could maybe drive to Kema tonight. Sort of like we did this summer?”

“Let me call my girl and cancel and you can come pick me up in about fifteen.”


All that shit I was talking just went out the window that fast, I was going to feel horrible for calling Wallace and cancelling but that’s what text messages are far. The hardest part is letting go, that’s why sometimes you have to hold on just a little bit longer.


4 thoughts on “Desire Is In The Heart…

  1. Reblogged this on demezw and commented:

    Driving down the street, getting on the freeway I couldn’t help but think about how fucked up memories were. When you’re making them they seem like the most special things in the world, the sex, the stolen kisses, the pictures that you share with the world and the ones you keep hidden away. And then when it ends, those same memories haunt you.

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