I want to write tonight, I really do but to be honest I can’t find the words. So instead I’ll just write from the heart because that’s all I have. I feel incredibly alone, you know what… scratch that. I’m lonely. It’s amazing the perception people have of you and the reality in which you live.
Knowing a lot of women or a lot of people doesn’t mean a lot when you aren’t really close to any of those people. Does it matter how many books you sale when there’s no one texting you or calling you to say goodnight. When every woman you know or meet would rather hang out with anyone but you. Or at least that’s what it feels like.
Friday night I woke up and I thought I was dying, I couldn’t breathe, my tongue and throat felt like they had a pillow jammed inside of them. Do you know I picked up my phone and there wasn’t one person that came to mind to call, one person that came to mind to text. So I drove myself and sat by myself and waited by myself.
Do I think no one cares or I’m all alone in life, of course I don’t think that. But do I know there’s no one that’s here, no one who loses sleep when they don’t here from me. I do know that and that kills me on the inside.
You know sometimes I feel like I’m cursed, like I did something that God isn’t forgiving me for. There are nights where I want more than anything for my phone to ring and for her to be on the other end just telling me she’s thinking about me. I have no idea who her is anymore because it’s been so long.
The hardest thing in the world is being honest with yourself because when you’re honest with yourself you have to ask yourself questions that you don’t want to answer. I’ve spend this entire weekend alone, not one woman cared enough to come by and as much as just say hello. I will never forget that, I will never forget what it feels like to feel alone.
When it happens I tell myself it’s making me a better writer, a stronger man. But the truth is all I think it’s doing is pushing me further away from people. Making me meaner. I hope that’s not the case but I don’t know how to cope anymore.