Today has been rough for me, to be honest most Father’s Days are. I’ve been drinking since I got off work Friday, I haven’t been in a good person this weekend and the truth is I’m one of those guys I despise, one of those men I would never want my son to be.
I’m that guy that feels empty at times because I don’t have a father. Because whether I want to admit it or not I’m a bastard. I often wonder why I wasn’t good enough to have a father that wanted to be around. I’m fully aware that that question is silly, that him not being in my life has nothing to do with me…
But that question still nags at me.
I sat in this house all day losing my sanity, looking at the ceiling wondering is this the life I’m destined to lead? Alone, drunk, writing, looking at my blank phone. Pushing people away.
Today wasn’t a good day for me to be alone. I’m a loner by nature, most days I can deal with it. But today was different, today I needed a friend more than anything.
I write books and short stories and blogs about romance, love, life, women but at the end of the night all I have is these memories that haunt me and these regrets that eat at me.
Today was hard but I’ll make it and I’ll live to fight for tomorrow and for everyday that I struggle to so much as smile I know that there will be days where smiles come easy.
I don’t hate my father because he gave me life but I hate his genes and what I fear they’re doing to me.