“Why are you doing this?! You either believe me or you don’t!”
For two months I didn’t get so much as a phone call, a text message, a damn letter! And now she was standing in front of me telling me that it was mines. Telling me her heart was in my hands. I knew the truth, we both knew the truth but the truth was always relative when it came to her.
“How do I make you a believer!!!? I’m here aren’t I!? I’m right fucking here!!!” She started to take off her clothes, there was nothing sexy about it. Nothing passionate about her motions. She was doing what I needed her to do. What I wanted her to do.
“Don’t do that?! DON’T DO THAT!!!! Put the fucking clothes back on!” I turned my back and took the glass of cognac to the head. I didn’t want her but I wanted her and she knew that. I couldn’t look at her, if I looked into her eyes I would be done.
“DON’T YELL AT ME! DON’T FUCKING YELL AT ME! YOU WANT ME HERE AND YOU KNOW YOU DO! STOP LYING TO YOURSELF…. Stop lying to yourself… I could feel her nipples on my back through my shirt, her breath on my neck. Her hands on my stomach.
“Don’t yell at me… Don’t act like you don’t miss me, like you didn’t miss me. Please.”
My hands were on the bar, squeezing the bottles in front of me. My knuckled bruised and swollen from the fight I lost against the drywall. She was no good for me, this relationship was no good for me but she was everything to me.
How was that possible? How was it possible that she was my everything and my nothing at the same damn time!? I turned around and my body was betraying me, my eyes, my hands, my dick. Everything in me wanted her, needed her. How do you fuck a woman into staying home? How do you suck her into not wanting more? How do you lick her into wearing your ring and loving you at all cost?
“I can’t keep doing this Crissy! I’ll kill you, I’ll kill him! Do you understand that?! DO YOU!?”
Whether or not I meant to the words I didn’t know. It was impossible to know, I wasn’t a fool I knew where she was. And why she couldn’t decide between either of us was something that drove me mad. My hands were wrapped around her neck, she was naked and it would take so little to choke the life out of her. The tears were falling but I had no way to know if they were real or if she was just in my head like she always was.
“If you don’t believe me…. If you don’t love me… Do it! DO IT! DO IT YOU FUCKING COWARD! CHOKE ME NOW IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME!?”
My grip tightened and I could see her losing breath but she wasn’t fighting me, she wasn’t struggling. I hated her.
“I hate you so fucking much! I hate you bitch!” Her naked body went limp in my arms and I let go, my hand prints around her neck, she fell to the ground struggling for air and I fell to the ground with her.
“I hate you but I love you… but I love you.”
Her coughing was uncontrollable but that didn’t stop me from kissing her, from her kissing me back! She was getting her breath back and taking me inside of her mouth, trying to suck me into loving her, into forgiving her! Trying to suck the soul out of me!
“This doesn’t change anything! It can’t!”
“Nothing’s changed, I’m yours and you’re mine! You taste so good baby! You taste so good, choke me! Make me love you! Fuck me until I love you! Until I forget about him! Make me forget about him!”
Pushing her to the ground and pushing myself inside of her, her legs wrapped around my back. The glasses from the bar crashing down and hitting the hardwood floors behind us I needed her to feel me! To know how much I needed her! To know how much better than him I was!
“Make me forget! MAKE ME LOVE YOU!”
I closed my eyes and tried to block out the image of her being with anyone else. The other women I called her name, the times at the gym when I hit the punching bag with bad intentions trying to kill her memory! I needed to forget her!
“I hate you! I HATE YOU!”
“You love me… You love me… You looooooooove me! Oh my God! OOOHHHHH MYYYY GOOOD!”
She was screaming for God and creaming for me but in my heart I knew she was thinking about him.