I’ve been up since 6am trying to keep myself busy. I cut my yards and the neighbors. Washed my truck and my grandparents cars. I trimmed trees and stayed outside until my clothes were soaked and the sun was screaming at me you ain’t bout this life. I came inside and cleaned this house from top the bottom.
Once there was nothing else to do I started to write and writing is always cool but it’s so quiet and with quiet comes thoughts.
Thoughts I’ve been trying to avoid but I need to talk. And since there’s no one to really talk to I’ll write.
You know it’s never been hard to get dates, I never understood guys that couldn’t find women to go out with or sleep with. It’s rather easy, especially the older you get. But I’ve found, more so lately, that I need more than that. I need more than dating and the occasional talking. I don’t want to wait for things to slowly take course, I want that moment where we just know it’s what we both want.
I’m out all the time pushing books or having drinks and I meet great women and for some reason things just never work out how I thought or think. I pride myself on the pride I have or on not being the guy that calls a lot or sweats chicks a lot but I think I’m worst then those guys in a sense.
Because I set these expectations so high and it’s been so long since I’ve done something as simple as sit on a couch on a Saturday with someone and eat junk food and watch movies. You know what that’s like… Feeling like you have it all going for yourself and not even being able to enjoy one day with someone because every woman you know thinks you’re either dating other women or emotionally closed off?
I spent an hour an HEB looking at wine and fresh fruit just to make Sangria uncase I had company tonight. I could invite someone over and cook dinner or go out and meet someone but it just gets old. I keep thinking she’ll call just to say hello or stop by but the more days that go by the more I realize with all the chicks I’ve known none of them just call or just stop by.
And that has to say a lot about me right? You meet these women and they laugh and smile and can’t wait to see you and a month later they either want nothing to do with me, start getting jealous for no good reason or I get all crazy about them too fast.
A comfortable balance is what I’m seeking…
It’s just getting to the point to where I thought I would be further along now. It’s weird, guys with wives and girlfriends are always lying and creeping because they’re bored or tired of the one woman. Guys that have options want one woman as oppose to whatever woman happens to like my books or likes the fact that I can talk about why each one of Julius Caesars killers didn’t die a natural death. Being smart is a great trait but it’s also one of those things that makes me drink a lot and over think.
Anyway, I’ll get back to writing the sequel to Walkind Down the Aisle and watching reruns of The Game on mute and you all enjoy your Saturday.