Fears, Prayers and Long Nights…

When I was kid I couldn’t leave off my street. I was like 14 with the range of a 5 yr old. My grandparents told me that I could ride from one neighbors mailbox to the other. I thought they were making me look weak but now that I’m older I understand they were just looking out for me.

Tonight my grandmother fell in the kitchen, she kept saying she’s alright but I could see in her eyes, her movements that she wasn’t. My mom and aunts took her to the hospital. I came home and now I’m just sitting here thinking about my life, the impact my grandparents have had on my life.

What are you supposed to do when you know their time is coming?

What do you do when there is nothing you can do?

I drink to try and not think about it but how do I not think about my grandmother falling out of a fucking chair?! How do I not think about my grandfather going to dialysis three times a week when I know he doesn’t want to be there!?

When I was looking for a house I got the one next to my grandparents because I couldn’t imagine not being here if they needed me. I take out their trash and wash their cars and go fix the tv’s when they’ve messed up the cable by pressing the wrong remote.

They’re all know, they’ve been here for me when no one else was.

And now I see them getting sick and taking longer and longer to recover. And it breaks my fucking heart because I’m not ready for that! I’m not ready for them to go…

She looked at me tonight and told me everything would be alright, not to worry and I smiled and said I know. But that was a lie,  I am worried, I am concerned, I am alone thinking about the day that God will call her and my grandfathers name.

Do you know out of all the women I know there wasn’t one that I could call to just talk about what I’m feeling at the moment. So I’m on my blog talking to no one or complete strangers. I have to go to work tomorrow like it’s all good, like I’m okay

I’M NOT FUCKING OKAY! I can’t deal with knowing that their time is coming. Where is my shoulder to lean on or my child that gets to know his great grandparents?! My heart is ripping in half because I know for a fact my grandparents are the only people that ever loved me regardless of my faults.

So now I’m sitting here with these bottles and my thoughts and my fears wondering when I’ll get that phone call. I try to prepare myself but how do you prepare yourself for something that will break you regardless?

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