Sleepless Nightmares

This is the first night in a while that I’m going into the next day sober. It’s just hard to sleep when I’m in bed alone. I know people often say things like that in songs are poems but it’s the truth.

I’ve never known a more peaceful calm than lying down next to someone I loved. If I’m being honest with myself there have been far too many sleepless nights.

Last night a friend came to visit me. She’s beautiful and funny, more witty than funny and she’s not for me. It’s not a bad feeling because I respect honesty above all else. But it’s a empty feeling because I know what I’m capable of.

I used to believe that my life would always come back around to my happily ever after. The girlfriend that’s crazy about me and the memorable Saturdays and lazy Sundays. I used to believe that. But as the days, weeks, months pass by I’m starting to doubt it.
I’ve always known that I’m blessed in this life compared to what so many have had to go thru. I’ve never known hunger or abuse or fear that I’d be homeless. So to complain about anything feels almost ungrateful but to keep it inside isn’t cool either. So I write. I let my emotions, fears, regrets bleed thru my fingertips. In the hopes that if someone does feel how I feel they know they’re not alone.

God didn’t give me the talents I have to waste them. He gave them to me for a real reason and I will live in that purpose.

Some nights when sleep evades me I see his face. I see his smile. I see her holding him on the couch, singing to him and rocking him. It’s the most beautiful and scariest image at the same time. Because if it never happens then that image will be sanity and my insanity rolled into one beautiful nightmare.

“Tell me you love me.” Is what I want to text to her at times. You don’t have to mean it, I just miss hearing it. It’s been a long time since I heard it.

A long time.

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