I felt like a stalker. She changed her number, she moved out our apartment and no one knew or would tell me where she was staying and she’d blocked me on everything from Facebook to Hotmail. The only place I knew to find her was her job. I wasn’t trying to make her office gossip so I didn’t wait in the lobby or walk up to her floor. I just drove the parking garage until I saw her car and waited.
When things are going good, when she’s calling seconds after she’s left the house just to say she loves me. When our text vary from explicit to romantic to silly, when all my friends compare our relationship to theirs. When things were like that I could never have seen this coming. Seeing her, standing in front of me, her arms crossed. Cell phone in one hand, keys in the other, the hatred in her eyes.
A month ago I would have killed any man that made her feel that way.
But today I was the man that was at the center of her resentment, her wrath.
“Can we just go somewhere and have a drink? Talk.”
“If I was in hell and there were two glasses of water I still wouldn’t have a drink with your bitch ass. Now you have three and a half minutes! Say what the fuck you need to say and leave me alone. Please! Please!”
“You don’t have to fucking talk to me like this!” I slapped the car next to me and stepped towards her. She flinched but didn’t back away.
“I wish you would put your hands on me. I wish you would… You don’t have the right to touch me again! I hate you! Stupid! I hate you! You know what, your five minutes are up!” She turned to get in her car!
I grabbed her arm!
She slapped me!
I grabbed her other arm, she pushed me off and slapped me again! I pushed her to the opening of the parking garage. The rain was falling on us both, I could feel her fighting me, struggling to get lose but I needed her to hear me!
“Was what I did so wrong?! It was before we met, before I knew you! All the guys that fucked over you! The family that used you! I never hurt you! I never gave you a reason not to trust me, not to give me the benefit of the doubt! So how the hell could you just give up on me?! I deserve that shit!?”
“This isn’t about deserve!!! Fuck everyone else! Those other guys may have been full of shit but I knew they were! My family may get on my nerves but they’re blood! You let me believe that you were perfect! I gave more of myself to you than I thought was capable… And you were lying to me the entire time. No one is, was or will ever be capable of hurting me the way you did. No one. You broke me… You may as well push me over the edge.”
I let her go and turned around. She started hitting me on the back, trying to scratch me with her keys! I just walked away, ignoring her blows…
“WALK AWAY! WALK AWAY BITCH! YOU LIAR! YOU’RE A LIAR! JUST PUSH ME! PUSH ME OVER THE EDGE! YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY I CHANGED MY NUMBERS AND MOVED AND ERASED YOU! BECAUSE TRYING TO FORGET YOUR BITCH ASS EXSISTED IS BETTER THAN HAVING TO DEAL WITH SEEING YOU! KNOWING I HATE YOU AND LOVE YOU AT THE SAME DAMN TIME!”
I turned around and picked her up, pushed her against the column! Her teeth sank into my lips! I could taste the blood, my hand pushed up her skirt!
The column blocked us from behind, the car blocked people from seeing us and the elements provided the backdrop!
“Make me forget I hate you! Make me forget!”
Her tears made me hard!
Her tears broke my heart!
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!” Our faces were so close, our lips just millimeters apart. I could feel the wetness from her tears on my face, I could feel the wetness from between her thighs on my fingertips.
“I’ve been with other men, since you broke my heart I’ve been with other men. Do you still want me? Do you still want to be inside of me?!”
Her hands were gripping my face, forcing me to look at her. I couldn’t look at her.
I couldn’t hear this.
“Look at me! Look at me! I hate you! I… Hate… You.” She kissed me, her tongue deep in my mouth. Her hands in my hair, her fingernails digging in my neck.
“Can you taste them?! Can you taste them?! Because I can taste her! I can taste her now. There were three or four of them inside of me, on me, just so I could forget about you! Just so I could hurt you! I knew you’d find me! I knew you wouldn’t let me go. And now that you’re here, now that you’re holding me, trying to make me forget about her! You’ll have to live with the same nightmares I live with! I fucked them in our bed, on your pillow, I started to call you so that you could hear! You still miss me baby? You still want me baby? Or do you hate me like I hate you now?!
“FUUUUUCK! FUUUCK! STOP IT! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!”
Grabbing her neck and turning her around, her hands braced against the column in the crowded parking garage. I pushed up her skirt even further, ripped off her panties. I tugged at my belt, my zipper.
She turned around and slapped me!
“If you want this! If this is what you need! Look at me! Look at me and see those men in my eyes! They were bigger than you! Better than you! I did things with them I’d never do with you!”
“Shut up! Shut your fucking mouth!”
I put my hand over her mouth, she bit me! Slapped me again! I grabbed her face and kissed her! I saw their faces…
I saw their faces….
The fight left me, she fell to the ground, her hands in her head. Sobbing like she just got the most devastating news of her life. I hit the car! I hit the car again! And again! And again!
I screamed! I couldn’t hold the pain in, I couldn’t imagine life without her but seeing her on the ground crying, seeing my own reflection in the window of the car I knew things could never be like they once were.
“It’s not what you think! Stop saying that! Stop lying to me! There was no one else, you haven’t been with anyone else!