The closer the Holidays get, the colder the nights, the shorter the days, the more vivid the day dreams get. The more fierce the nightmares become.
Sleep consist of tossing and turning, walking to the kitchen knowing I’m not thirsty. Walking to my office, knowing I’ll get no work done. Two, maybe three hours of memories. Memories that once brought smiles to my face, memories that inspired the best in me. Now those same memories have inspired nightmares I can’t shake. Images so vivid I awake shaking and panicked. A shot glass or two or four giving me a reprieve from the endless night.
“Do you miss me?”
“Do you think about me?”
“Just tell me you love me. I don’t care if you mean it, I just need to hear it.”
The text are typed but never sent. The letters are written but then ripped up. Pacing the living room, the iPad synced with the TV, the images in my dreams being shown live. Her smile, her hair, her caramel skin in HD.
I hear knocks at the door, I open the door. She’s standing there with her arms open, tears in her eyes.
“I miss you.”
Stepping on the porch to hug her there’s no one there. The gate is closed, the wind attacking my shirt less body.
There’s no one. I blink my eyes but still nothing. I hear her moans, “make me love you baby, I know you can make me cum.”
I step back in the house! My eyes wide, my heart beating!
“Where the fuck are you?! Stop fucking with me!!! Stop! Stop!”
She’s still talking, still moaning. It’s her on the TV, the video goes black. There’s no one here, there was never anyone here. Throwing the shot glass against the wall! I grab the bottle and turn it up! More of the brown liquor falling on my chest and the floor than down my throat! It burns, I gag but the burn helps me forget if even only for a second that I’m losing my mind. The clock reads 3am, I take two pills to take me back to my nightmares. I hate them but they’re the only time she’s real.
Life goes on, the only question is when?