“I’m not doing anything to myself, I’m just looking, I can’t look.”
“You can do what you want but it’s only hurting you, so what’s the point?”
I knew she was right but I wasn’t ready to let her know that. Every time I looked at the pictures of them, of her, I was ready to scream! I studied the pictures on Facebook like I was studying for an exam. I wanted to find something, just something to poke fun at. But pregnancy agreed with her. She had a glow, fuller breasts and an ass she didn’t have before. She went from being pretty to fine all because she was carrying his baby.
My roommate was the only person that knew I was becoming a borderline stalker in my spare time. I never liked or commented on anything but I checked his page faithfully to see him bragging about the son that was coming.
12:24am On my way to CVS for some ice cream and snickers, then to Taco Bell for a Mexi melt, my lil man is going to be a linebacker or o-lineman with the way she’s eating.
3:34am She’s having trouble sleeping, if she’s not sleep I can’t sleep. I put on some Raheem DeVaugn and rub her feet, they’re a little swollen. Talk to him in her stomach, let him know to take it easy on her. I know she’s ready for him to be here, damn I love this woman.
6:45am On my way to work, I thought hard about calling in but her sister is coming over to keep her company and plus I think she’s tired of me lol. Lakers tip off tonight, D. Howard and Kobe = Championship!
I knew him better than anyone, I knew he wasn’t putting on. He meant every word, he would have taken off six weeks if she asked him to.
“Let’s go to Sugarhill or 5th Amendment tonight and drink and dance our lives away. I’m off tomorrow and you’ve already given your dissertation and killed it, we need to celebrate chica!” She was dancing around our two bedroom apartment like we were already in the club. I had no idea how she was so comfortable being in just her panties all the time, if the windows were open guys were getting the peep show of their lives.
I shut my laptop and poured myself a glass of wine. I didn’t cheat on him, I didn’t lie to him or steal from him. The sex was great and our chemistry was off the chain, wearing his hoodie and laughing at my silly best friend moonwalk across the floor all I could see is him holding her, kissing her, proposing to her. All because I chose my career, my doctorate, my passion over him. He asked for my hand in marriage and Northwestern asked for four years of my life. A part of me felt like if he loved me he would have came to Chicago with me but his family was here, his career, his writing. I chose to have a Dr. in front of my name and he chose to kiss me goodbye. I wasn’t built to be the other woman and he wasn’t built to be a cheater. So where did that leave us? Friends… friends that needed to taste and touch and swallow each other? Fuck life…
“Ger out of dream world Lex! Fuck him! It’s his lost! I love him like a brother but if he couldn’t support what you wanted to do move one girl! You’re killing my buzz being sad all the time. You’re a freaking doctor and you’re bad as a two year old!”
I smiled even though I didn’t feel like smiling. My girl was my girl but she was a man eater, if they weren’t on her schedule or her plan they were out of there. I respected her for that but I knew she had a lot of heartbreaks to get there.
“I’m going to get ready, I do need to get out.” She pulled me up and kissed me on the lips, she was so extra.
I went to my room and locked the door. I don’t know why but I needed to hear his voice, to talk to him. His number wasn’t programmed in my phone but I knew it by heart. I didn’t think about it, I just called… He answered as soon as it rang, I could tell he was excited. His voice sounded the same, he sounded happy. I said hello, I said I just wanted to congratulate you on the engagement and the baby. He told me he’d seen on FB that I was officially Dr. Alexis Sinclair now and that he was proud of me. We were quiet, we were reading each other’s mind. We were always reading each other. He said it should be me having his baby, that he still loved me. I cried and told him I still loved him too and that he should have waited. We were quiet again and he asked to see me. I was quiet and I told him no and hung up the phone.
We couldn’t be friends, our chemistry didn’t rock like that.
I asked God to be a doctor and he gave it to me.
I didn’t know it would cost me the love of my life.