For as long as I could remember my grandfather has been one of the strongest men I’ve known. He’s been the rock of not just my family but for so many people and to see him in such a vulnerable state breaks my heart.
I watched my grandmother cry tonight for maybe the second time in my life. She sat with her head in my lap and cried really hard because we found out some bad news about my grandfather. It took everything in me not to cry with her, not to break down with her. But I couldn’t, I wouldn’t because I have to be strong for my family.
It breaks my heart because I know how prideful he is, I know how much he loves being outside and working on cars and lawnmowers and generators. And now it will be a struggle for him to do those things and I’m afraid. I can’t admit this to my family, there’s no friends or woman to admit it to…
But I’m afraid that he’s going to give up, that this is going to break him and I know I can handle it. I know I’ll be alright if God calls him home but what I also know is that my family isn’t ready. My grandmother loves that man on a level that I don’t think a woman will ever love me. My mother and aunts have been protected by him their entire lives.
My ex girlfriend told me awhile back that I didn’t do bad well, she told me that people didn’t like telling me bad news because I became withdrawn and distant. I thought about that these past couple of weeks when I’ve been anything but distant.
It’s not when I’m around people that I worry about myself, it’s times like this when all I have is my writing and my words and the thoughts and fears start to taunt me and sleep becomes harder and harder without a pill or bottle of something.
In six hours my grandfather has surgery and in six hours I’ll have to put back on this mask. I’ll have to be the strong one and the one that makes them laugh and smile and be encouraged that everything will be alright. But tonight, right now… I don’t have to wear that mask.
Right now all I want to do is lie on her lap and feel the warmth of someone that knows the pain I’m feeling. Right now I just want to take a hot shower and lose myself in the steam. Right now I just want to fuck away my frustrations. Those aren’t options so I’ll listen to this music and drink this drink and watch this Christmas tree.
Pray for my family and good night.