Finding A Better You…

imagesCAWYOAZSIt’s not a weak trait to admit you miss someone.

It’s not unmanly to say that you’re afraid you’ll never find someone to replace what she did for you mentally. To replace the inspiration, the encouragement she gave you.

Going crazy thinking about the if’s, buts’ and why’s… That’s natural, it’s a part of life, a part of what makes us human. It’s so easy to focus on the bad times, to focus on what makes you hate someone that you forget what they added to your life.

I’ll stop talking in second person now.

I changed my number last year, the number I’ve had for 10 years because it was easier to change a number than it was to not talk to her. It was easier to take off days from work and write, drink, clear my mind than it was to think about her and still try and focus. I have no desire to talk to her again but that doesn’t mean I don’t lose sleep over losing the best friend I’ve had in awhile.

See, being single is sort of like playing Russian Roulette. You have to pull the trigger and hope it doesn’t kill you. Single is something I don’t do well, I mean, I do it very well on a social level but on a mental level…

Whoever reads this, I want you to read what I’m about to write very carefully.

LIVE YOUR LIFE FOR YOUR CAREER, YOUR FAMILY AND YOUR PASSIONS… IF YOU’RE GOING TO BE SINGLE, BE SINGLE ALL THE WAY! IF YOU WANT SOMEONE IN YOUR LIFE, FIGHT FOR IT ALL THE WAY! THERE IS NO INBETWEEN…

I’ve been single for a long time; I’ve dated and I’ve had these semi “situations” but I haven’t a girlfriend or woman to call my own in some time. I’m starting to forget what that’s like and I think that’s why I get so hopeful when a situation comes along.

I speak about sex a lot, I love sensuality, sex, freaky women and things but more than all that. I miss having that friendship that comes with mutual chemistry, that comes with being comfortable with someone.

Friendships mean the world to me, I can be a very engaging man but I’m also difficult so when I meet people that can click with me… I try so hard and maybe I push them away.

I’ll write I’m having a bad day on FB and she would call just to see what was the matter.

I would write a note and she would text me to tell me what I could have done better.

I could be sitting in a bar looking a drink I know I didn’t need and she would just have perfect timing, saving me from myself.

Loving women hard and fast comes so natural to me that one becoming my best friend is just going to happen, it’s like a force of nature.

There were dozens of reasons why she was not what I needed but she was what I needed in that moment in time. And I know now that there will be someone like her, someone better than her and that ties in to my marriage note from last night.

When you go thru a bad situation or not even a bad situation… But a situation that just doesn’t work out you tend to think the worse but it’s the opposite for me. I look forward to these moments because I know they are preparing me for something better.

My life is on an upward swing right now, I’m writing and my birthday will be in a couple of weeks. I have two novels I’m co-writing and Conversations Between Adults is still going strong; I even have a web series coming out. I’m blessed and more than a woman, more than sexual congratulations, I just look forward to someone like her but that’s meant for me to share this with.

People will read this and think it’s about a certain woman and a part of it is but it’s more than that. It’s about all the women I’ve met over these past couple years. Each one came into my life and I wanted the next one to be someone better than her, someone like her but with more patience or better lips.

They say you find what you’re looking for when you stop looking; I think that’s bullshit. When you’re hungry you never stop looking for food.

I’m not the type of man to run away from responsibility; most of the women I’ve lost… I’ve lost because of my shortcomings, mistakes, insecurities I’ve had. I can accept that but I can accept that I know I’m destined to find someone that’s not only like those women but that’s better than those women.

Not better as a woman or better as a person but better for me.

It’s Sunday morning and I’m Demez F. White, author of Walking Down the Aisle and a future great husband and father. Time flies, spend it loving your life and loving people that will love you back.

I promise you that your time will come like I know my time will come. The glass is always half full, not half empty.

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