I haven’t been feeling well lately. I can’t really describe it, I just haven’t. I’ve been to the doctor, taken test and they keep telling me I’m good. But these headaches, sleepless nights, just feeling weird, I know my body.
I don’t think anything will happen to me when I go to sleep but I seriously don’t have a good feeling and God forbid I don’t wake up in the morning I just want my family to know I love you all, everything you’ve done for me, the support. My mother especially, I haven’t been the closest son in the world and for that I’m sorry. You’ve been really good to me.
To all my readers, you all changed my life. Before you, before writing I don’t think I had a year left in me before I took the cowards way out of just gave up on life. The support changed me, it made me not just a better writer but a better man.
There isn’t a day I don’t think about a son. I don’t write about it as much anymore but the thoughts never fade. Whenever I see these beautiful women with these beautiful children and deadbeat dads I often wonder why can’t her and that child belong to me? If something shall happen to me that will be my biggest regret.
The fact that I don’t have someone to carry on my DNA, my legacy.
I could just be overacting and everything will be fine tonight and these next couple nights but if I’m being honest I’m having these dreams where I can see my funeral. They seem so real, so vivid. It’s one of the reasons why I don’t sleep because I can’t stand to see the tears of all the women I’ve loved and my family.
Just pray for me tonight, pray for my health and my sanity. I’ve been drinking a lot more lately and the doctors gave me some sleeping pills. I try and write until I can’t keep my eyes open but that doesn’t always work.