I never had friends growing up. Not in elementary school or middle school or even really high school. I always knew a lot of people, I know a lot of people right now but I can’t really say I have a lot of friends. Who knows why, some of it could be because I’m sort of standoffish, some of it could be timing and a lot of could be simply because I’ve never invested the time into making them.
A part of me, a big part of me has always believed that I didn’t need to be close to my family or friends because my “family” would be the wife and children I eventually created. That I’d find an answer for the emptiness and loneliness in her and my seed but the older I get the more I’m starting to question that logic.
I went out with a friend tonight and you know I can’t even really call her a friend because she was more than that. She was not a sister but just more than a friend and talking to her; realizing how happily married she was and how fulfilled she was it sort of made me realize what I’m missing in spite of all I have.
See the thing is that life is pretty simple regardless of how difficult we try and make it. You do something you love for a living, you love someone you can’t go a day without thinking about and you do things to make those you love smile and to make yourself smile. That’s the formula to happiness, that’s always been the formula to happiness. How we get there is up to us and there’s a different path each of us takes but that’s it. Coming home to someone after a long night that misses you, that worries about you, that thinks about you. Working a job that doesn’t feel like a job because you want to do it at 2:30 in the morning when the world is sleeping. That’s the formula to living, loving and prospering.
A formula I have yet to master.
I wanted to tell her I miss her, I miss our conversations and texts and happy hours. I wanted to tell her she was the best friend I ever had because she was maybe the only friend I’ve ever had. But I didn’t say any of that, I just listened to her and laughed at her stories and appreciated the imperfect moment because I know they’ll come few and far between the older we get.
For a man like me dating and meeting women is the easiest thing in the world. But finding a real friend, someone that you trust and care about and forget how attractive they are because all you see is them as a person; that’s hard. That’s special and it doesn’t happen often.
I can be a mean man, I can be cold and unforgiving but on nights like tonight all I want is to remember the good times and forget most nights it’s only me.
Demez F. White