Civility in Love and War…

imagesCA4RUXG1“What do you want me to do?”

“I want you to be a got damn father!”

“Fuck you! I send you that check faithfully! How do you think you’re living in this house?! Who got you a new car when the old one started tripping!? Don’t tell me I’m not a father to that boy! He doesn’t have a need or want in this world!”

Calming myself, taking a deep breath, and rubbing my temples I knew I needed to be the bigger person. He hated me and he probably had a right to but what he and I both knew was that he was taking out that hate on our son. I could accept the way he looked at me, not answering my calls, the slick things he wrote on FB. I could accept all of that because I knew his heart was broken but the moment he started treating our son like just another bill to pay is the moment my sympathy stopped.

“You’re not the same with him. You used to pick him up from school and take him to practice every Tuesday and Thursday, now all of sudden you can’t get off work in time. Every night you’d get on your iPad and read part of a book with him now you don’t get good reception? Everything was cool when I was single and you thought there was a chance of us getting back together. Now that I have someone you’re cutting us out of your life… Little by little. I’m a grown woman, I can accept it. Our son is seven! Seven! He just knows his father doesn’t treat him the same?!` You hurt him, you hurt me! You’re a good man but if I have to watch him cry himself to sleep again I will come for you and make your life hell!”

He stood almost a half foot taller than me, even in my heels, but I caught his eyes and wouldn’t look away. A year ago I came home and told him I didn’t want this marriage anymore. I wasn’t happy, his touch didn’t do it for me, our conversations were dry. Our season had passed and even though our vows were for better or worst how could I spend the rest of my life with a man I didn’t even want to see me naked?

“Don’t threaten me Amanda. That’s not something you want to do.”

My ex-husband didn’t raise his voice. He didn’t make any hand motions or smile. The coldness was a tone I’d only ever heard him use with business associates, never with me but when it came to my son he was leaving me few options.

“I will threaten you. You paid for this house, you paid for the car I drive but understand this! Your son sleeps in this house! Your son goes to school, to practice, to church, to the grocery store in that car! You handle your business and I’ll give you credit for that but I won’t give you credit for doing what you’re supposed to do! As soon as I stopped fucking you, flirting with you, talking to you like I talked to you when we were married you stopped being a father to him! Is that the kind of man you want to be!? You’ve always wanted to be a better man than your father… Right now, I can’t tell you two apart!”

As soon as the words left my mouth I regretted them but I needed him to hurt just as much as our son was hurting.

“Bitch! You want to know why I don’t pick our son up from school and take him to practice anymore. Why I don’t call him every night and read that chapter with him? Because when I bring him home I have to look at your face, when I talk to him at night I have to hear your voice in the background! I had this house built for you from the ground up! I paid off those student loans and hooked you up with a buyer when you thought your clothes weren’t stylish enough for the job I got you! I never threw it in your face, never asked anything more of you than that you love me. Be a good wife and a good mother. You shitted on me, have another man coming and going into the house I built! You want to threaten me, tell me I’m like my father! I’m getting full custody of my child, you’ll hear from my lawyer tomorrow! Let your new man pay this mortgage, let him pay for that Benz in the garage. I’m not here for him, well now I’ll be here for him every day!”

Stepping away from me he walked out the door leaving me in shock. Our divorce was simple, he literally gave me everything I asked for. I never had to ask for child support on time or ask him to leave me alone. Today was supposed to be me trying to make him realize our son needed his father and now he was ready to go to war.

I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of crying, at least not until he leaves the driveway.

If he wants to see a bitch, I’ll show him a bitch!

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