I’m sitting at my computer at work not really sleepy but really tired. I have my Pandora on Bobby Womack radio and when I tell you these guys sing and write about women on a level that I can only dream of I’m not lying. There’s so much emotion and pain behind the words.
I won’t say they loved harder but I’ll say they weren’t afraid to express it. Sometimes when I write I wonder if I’m putting too much of my feelings into my writing and then I laugh knowing that I’m not putting even a fourth of what I’m feeling into these words.
My grandfather has been in the hospital this week, I come to work and laugh, smile, do my job. I write my articles, post on my blog, work on the book. I flirt and go to the gym to keep busy but the truth is I’m scared to death of what will happen. It’s not that he’s on his deathbed or not going to come home, it’s just that with age it takes longer and longer to come back from even the small things. What I hate admitting to myself is that his time is coming to go home sooner than later and I struggle with preparing myself for that and being strong for the people that need me.
I always have the words to cheer people up when they’re feeling down. I’m always prepared or calm when there’s a situation but sometimes I just want to hear someone say, “I love you and everything will be alright.” The words along would probably comfort me even if they didn’t mean them. I’m aware of how crazy that sounds but sometimes I feel as though I’m losing my mind, drowning.
I’d settle for a really good genuine date. It’s been awhile since I’ve been on one. Women like the idea of me, I’m not sure I know one that really knows me. A lot of that is me not letting people in, I’m aware of that. It’s just that people always leave, they always disappoint. It takes me way too long to recover from that, it takes way too much out of me. When you’re a loner, when you’ve spent most of your life with your own thoughts you get attached way too fast and the hole is so deep…
Just some random thoughts before I go home. Bundle up this morning.