I went to church on Sunday and the topic of the sermon was, “How to love a woman?” I immediately thought about you. It was storming, I needed gas and to put air in my tire but I got up and went to church anyway because I had questions and where else do you go for answers? The trip was worth it, he didn’t really tell my anything that I didn’t already know but he sort of reaffirmed some things and gave me a fresh perspective.
“If you aren’t ready to be selfless and put aside your pride then you may as well stay single because marriage and relationships are about sacrifice.” It’s easy for me to tell myself I’m selfless because of what I’m willing to do but love isn’t about what you’re willing to do, it’s about what you’re willing to forfeit. Your ego tells you that it’s none of her business where you are when you leave work but love tells you to tell her exactly where you’ll be. Your pride wants to cut her off when she’s complaining but love tells you to sit back and listen. I worry that I don’t have those traits in me, I worry that I won’t have them by the time I meet you.
This isn’t my first time saying this but the truth is I’ve always thought my family would be my wife and children. That even though I have a mother and aunts and cousins and sisters and grandparents the people that I would love like no other and know they loved me back was my family. The woman I make vows to and the seeds that come from that union. I always thought that you would be my family. I think that’s why the idea that love excites me and scares me so. I think that’s why I’m such a romantic.
When I first started this blog, I started it with the idea that you would read it one day and realize how great we could be. I started it with the concept that writing would make me a better man, it would help me express emotions and thoughts I’m not able to express in person at times. As I sit at this computer waiting and thinking and living all I can hope is that I won’t let you down when the day comes. All I can hope is that I’m better today than I was yesterday and I’ll be even better tomorrow. I haven’t said the words I love you to anyone in so long. Not a woman, not family, not friends. Those words scare me but I do hope I say them to you every night one night soon.
Demez F. White