I put a lot of emphasis on the beauty of women, I love the female body and I can only imagine that most of the women I dated sort of feel like they have to be perfect or this certain image of beauty or I won’t love them. So I decided to not only write about sex tonight but to touch on breast cancer and what it must feel like to have a certain beauty your entire life and then worry that the man you love won’t love you because you’re battling this disease. I’m dedicating this to someone special, I put a piece of you in every woman I write about and I’ll dedicate my novel to you.
Demez F. White
Will You Still Love Me In The Morning…
“You don’t want to be here, just leave, I would rather you leave now than leave later.”
She used to hate clothes; as soon as she got home they were coming off. I’d never been around a woman that was so comfortable naked, it was my fault she was the way she was. I knew she was smart, I knew she loved jogging with our dog and good debates about meaningless topics. But I never complimented her on any of that.
“I love playing in your hair.”
“Your breasts are fucking perfect!”
“I swear I could lie on your ass all night.”
It wouldn’t be a stretch to say I worshipped her body, there was a piece of her in everything I wrote. In every book I wrote. The way I looked at her when she got out the shower or the way I would just sat on the edge of the tub and watched her bathe. I thanked God every night for giving me such a beautiful wife.
So why wouldn’t she feel like I didn’t want to be here anymore? The hair I used to play in, I used to wash for her when we went on our three day getaways and wasted our lives away in a hotel room. Making love and watching movies, eating greasy food, me writing, her reading.
The chemo took that perfect hair months ago, she’d trimmed it and cut ends here and there but since she could remember her hair was “her hair.” And now it was gone, she refused to wear wigs or try and hold onto the little that was left. Outside of our home she held her head high and accepted the compliments she got. But inside of these walls she wasn’t that woman.
“They pity me, they’re probably laughing! Where is that long curly hair now? The pretty girl with cancer! Why did I get this? You’re the one that drinks!!! I work out! I eat right! I don’t deserve this! I DON’T FUCKING DESERVE THIS!”
The doctors told her it would grow back after the chemo was over, that was the silver lining. It was the silver lining until they told her the breast had to go. She was strong, she cried but she didn’t break down. I could see it in her eyes though, she was defeated. No matter what I said or did she was defeated.
My baby was feminine, she was a woman through and through. Sexy lingerie everyday, pinks and greens, pretty hands and toes. She loved being sexy, she loved being pretty, her breasts were perky and soft. Nipples that she would play with and I would watch, nipples I couldn’t get enough of sucking on, taking pictures of.
I still wasn’t used to seeing her in a robe when it was just us two but she wore it all the time now. I wrapped my arms around her and kissed the back of her neck.
“You’re beautiful regardless! I could never see you any other way, I will never see you any other way!!!” She pushed me away and dropped her robe to the floor! She’d lost some weight but she was still drop dead gorgeous.
“LOOK AT THEM!!! LOOK AT THEM MEZ!!! TOMORROW THEY WILL BE ONE SHORT! HOW MANY NIGHTS HAVE YOU TOUCHED THEM, PLAYED WITH THEM! TOLD ME HOW PERFECT THEY WERE!!!? AND NOW YOU WANT ME TO BELIEVE YOU CAN STILL LOOK AT ME LIKE A WHOLE WOMAN WITH ONE FUCKING TIT!!!! FUCK YOU!!! YOU DON’T HAVE THIS SHIT! I DO! I DO! I do…. Fuck you….”
She fell to the ground screaming and crying, I fell down right beside her. She pushed me away every night, yelled at me every night. She wanted me to get mad at her, to hate her for the things she said to me. We knew each other better than we knew ourselves. She thought I would leave if she didn’t have these physical attributes I bragged about, I loved.
But she was wrong. I’d given the long speeches about me not going anywhere, I’d bought the gifts and cancelled book signings and interviews to sit at the hospital all day. I was threw talking, I was showing. I just hugged her and picked her up and took her to our bed.
“You don’t have to do this with me, you deserve a woman who’s whole, who can give you children one day. A son… You’re always talking about a son, this chemo has done things to my body! I may not ever have….”
I kissed her, not a soft kiss on the head or a lingering kiss on her cheeks. But a real kiss! Right now she needed to know she was still sexy to me, that she was still perfect to me! Our friends, our family, the doctors… Everyone handled her like she would break at any minute, they looked at her like she was a Susan G. Coleman spokesperson. But she was more than that to me, she was sensual, sexy, freaky!
I kissed her until she stopped crying and kissed me back! I kissed her until she stopped pushing me and wrapped her arms around me, until she started to rip at my shirt, until she started to scratch my back!
“I’m not going anywhere! I’m not going anywhere! I’m not going anywhere!”
I was talking and kissing, whispering in her ear how fine she was, how much I needed this pussy! How much I wanted to taste her! Cancer had taken more than just her health, it fucked with her confidence, her pride. In bed she was a vixen, she used her body like a soldier used a sword! Like a sculptor used a piece of clay! Without her hair, with how tired it made her, with how she threw up most days.
That sexiness was gone but I was going to bring it back tonight, if this was the last night she would have both of these. The last night we would have both of these I would make it count! I would make her love it! I licked a trail from her chin to her navel and then small kisses from her navel to the insides of her thigh.
“Promise me! Promise me you’re not going anywhere! That you’ll still look at me the way you look at me! I can’t do this alone!” Hearing the pain her voice brought tears to my eyes, hearing the fear in her voice made me wonder what kind of husband had I been?
Was I that materialistic? That concerned about her beauty that she thought I would forsake my vows because of it?! I kissed her clit and looked up.
“As long as that ring is on your finger, I would follow you to hell! I’m not going a damn place!” And with that I went back to her spot, two fingers inside, my left hand on the breast that would be gone tomorrow. Playing with it, rubbing it, caressing it! Letting it know it would be missed.
“Don’t stop baby! I love you! I love you sooo much! I can’t do this without you! Don’t leave me! You can’t ever leave me! Ahhhhhhh!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!!”
The more she talked, the harder I sucked, the harder I squeezed. I wanted her to forget about the surgery tomorrow, to forget about the six hour hospital trips every week, to forget about her Management Degrees that weren’t being used while she was in and out the hospital.
Tonight she would focus on my tongue, on my dick! Tonight I was going to grip her head and watch her suck me, watch her look up at me and smile because she knew I loved the way she held it, kissed it.
Coming up for air she grabbed my face and guided my mouth to her tit, “SUCK IT HARDER BABY! SUCK IT HARDER! SHE’S GOING TO MISS THOSE LIPS OF YOURS! LET HER KNOW YOU’LL MISS HER TOO!!!”
Sucking harder, squeezing… I found the inside of her, the chemo may have taken her hair and some of her spirit but it couldn’t take how wet she got. It couldn’t take the grip I felt when I put it inside, the warmth…
“Don’t make love to me tonight, fuck me like I won’t break! Like you used to before this happened! I’m not porcelain! Make me feel every bit of you tonight, take my mind off this shit daddy! Please! Please! MMMMMM…. MMMMMM!!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!”
I wasn’t even going to let her finish talking, the strokes got harder, my dick got harder! Her screams got louder, my old wife was coming back. The one that liked to talk shit and leave hickies.
“I want to lick my pussy juices off your dick baby, take it out and put it in my mouth! Hurry up!”
This was the woman I knew and loved, the woman that was the definition of a lady outside but in-between these sheets she was nasty and willing to do anything for us to reach that climax!
The next morning, us in the shower, both sore… Our stomachs growling but knowing we couldn’t eat. If she couldn’t eat, I wouldn’t eat.
“I’m ready to do this… If this will take the cancer away, I’m ready. I love you.”
“I’m not going anywhere, I love you too! Fuck cancer!”
She laughed and hugged me, I smiled and let the shower hide my tears.