This has been a bad week and I need to vent. There isn’t really anyone to call and I believe I’m past that venting on FB or Twitter stage so what’s the point in having a blog if I can’t come here and give my thoughts a voice. So here I go.
It all started on Friday when I asked a friend to lunch, to be honest it was someone that’s more than a friend. Not in an intimate sense but just someone I’d come to care about, feel close to. She told me she was sick and couldn’t make it, I understood but maybe she didn’t like my tone. I haven’t spoken to her sense, I’ve called, I’ve sent text. Either she’s fallen off the face of the earth or simply decided she wants nothing to do with me.
I have literally spent the entire year of 2013 working and intentionally trying not to build relationships or friendships. I can’t do it anymore, people just let me down and I know why. I set this standard, I answer every call, I answer every text, I’m always there and when I’m not they can’t handle it. I know what about myself, I know I get attached to people easily so I try not to get attached.
Talking to her everyday about work, life, religion, the future. You forget how much you miss having someone to share those things with. There was never anything physical but it was just the feeling of knowing someone cared about my day. That’s over now, that was the start of the bad week.
Second… We’re at a grade level meltdown at my job, what should have been a seven thousand dollar simple mistake has now turned into a forty nine thousand dollar mistake. It wasn’t my fault, literally I was just following orders but my name is all over this screw up and it’s stressing me the hell out. I almost asked one of these guys for a cigarette.
I’m not the place blame or point fingers type, even though it wasn’t my fault I was still accountable. I understand that and I will accept that but that doesn’t mean it isn’t bothering me. I grew up in a place where you didn’t snitch and corporate America just isn’t like that. These guys will sell out their own mothers if it means the blame doesn’t get placed on them. How can you live like that?
Compounding this problem is the fact that I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. Someone will read this and think that means call me or what about me but it’s not that simple. There’s always someone to talk to but that person that you feel gets it and you feel comfortable with. That’s not easy.
Third… My grandfather, he isn’t getting better and that scares the hell out of me. I get I have to be strong for my family, strong for myself but I’m afraid he’s going to die. Every time I get a phone call at 4am I take a deep breath before answering. Last Monday he had to be rushed to the hospital and my heart was in my stomach. I can’t even see him, I go up there to take my grandmother and I’m in the room but I’m not really looking at him. This man was so strong, so dependable and now it’s almost like he’s a child. I know it’s age, the cycle of life but that doesn’t make it any easier.
I miss kissing.