Struggling To Find Normal

391690_132115926895533_100002913805424_167373_1571942060_n I once read this book about comedians and they’re struggles with life. Most of them were sad, depressed, alcoholics. How could people that spend their whole lives making others laugh be so angry and sad? It was simple once I kept reading, one of the hardest things in the world is smiling when you don’t feel like smiling.

That’s how I’ve been feeling this week at work, around people, on these social networks. People say they sympathize with you, they say they understand. How can they not understand? We’ve all had people we love die. The problem is everyone expects life to just pick up right where it left off.

I’m just having a hard time doing that. I feel so sad and saying that out loud makes me feel so weak. I fight tears a lot because I’m a man and men don’t cry. I’ve been drinking a lot more, thinking a lot more. Not about why he’s gone, I know why he’s gone. Age and health aren’t things you can beat. I’ve just been thinking about whether or not I made him proud.

I worry about my grandmother, all she’s known since she was 17 is my grandfather. She says she’s alright but in my heart I know she’s not. There’s this feeling in my stomach that her time is coming soon, that she is hurting so bad that he is gone.

I feel lost, I feel alone, but I have to keep smiling. I have to keep working. It’s what the world expects from me. So I’ll hide these feelings and write about romance and love and sex. I’ll be smart and funny and charming and on the inside I’ll keep struggling to find normal.

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