Dear Future Wife,
I hope you slept well last night. I hope you had dreams that took you to a place of fantasies and peace. Sitting in my office waiting on this concrete to cure so I could open this road I couldn’t help but think about how incredibly lonely I feel when I’m working at night. There’s no people talking, no phone ringing, no traffic or doors opening.
It’s mostly just me and these thoughts. A hug, a hug would be nice when I get off. A kiss would be better. Knowing you were in bed thinking about me, praying for me, that matters you know.
You want to know what I miss most about having a woman in my life. Not a wife because I’ve never had one of those. Not a girlfriend because I haven’t had one of those in awhile but just a woman I’m talking to that I know cares about me. I miss her being worried. That text at 3am just making sure I’m okay. That call at 5am if she had a bad dream and just wants me to stay on the phone with her until she falls back to sleep.
Can I talk to you about someone? I need to get this off my chest. I found out someone I used to be intimate with is getting married, it didn’t really bother me at first because it’s been awhile since we’ve talked. I sort of put it out of my mind until tonight when I saw a picture. It was of her being proposed to, at that moment it became real to me. Not that I loved her or that I missed her but that she was finding happiness before me? I’m aware of how selfish that makes me sound, that’s why I’m telling you and not a friend or co-worker. I’m telling you because I know you’re the type of woman that gets my heart. That knows why I feel how I feel.
The past year or so I’ve been an asshole to so many women. Women I know were ready to fall in love with me, be there for me, I can’t even explain why. I just knew in my heart they weren’t for me and it was easier to push them away then to keep pulling them in with my actions. I miss intimacy, I miss having conversations that mean something and aren’t superficial but I can’t do those things with just anyone.
I stopped drinking today. A friend asked me to so I did, I just felt like it was time. It’s not a permanent thing, just a couple of weeks but I need to do this to get my mind right. I think my grandmother is doing better, There are days when I look at her and I can see how sad she is but you don’t get over losing someone you were married to for 50 years. My little sister went to the prom last weekend, she was beautiful, looked so grown. Ethan and Erin are getting so big, they’re so smart. They remember and repeat everything. I don’t share any of this with anyone, I should be sharing it with you.
Love Always and Forever,