3 Years Ago Today

baby angel Three years ago today she told me she was pregnant. A part of me knew she was lying but another part of me wanted it to be true, needed it to be true. I’m a man that fully expects to not have my first child until I’m married but there’s a cost for unprotected pleasures. If I had to pay that cost I was more than willing.

That night I didn’t feel fear or regret or anxiety. I wasn’t upset or excited or numb. All I felt was love, love for someone that would need me, love for a child that was probably no bigger than a mustard seed. It wasn’t a perfect situation but God doesn’t make mistakes right?

I knew in my heart she didn’t want to have my child. I knew it wasn’t a part of her plans the same way it wasn’t a part of mines but I was willing to do whatever it took. She wasn’t, she didn’t want to keep it and no matter how much I tried to talk her out of it, I couldn’t.

Driving home, her blowing my phone up, I pulled over and cried. I cried like I’ve never cried before for a life I would never know. That’s the downside to being creative you know, to having this imagination that’s explosive. I see things simply by thinking about them.

That night was the first night I experienced hate. How could I not hate a person that wasn’t willing to accept life? Today she/he would have been close to three. When it’s quiet and I feel alone I wonder what that child would be like, I wonder if he’d look like me or her. Would it be a little girl that always talking back or laughing?

Women say that men have no rights when it comes to what happens to a fetus, “Stop trying to regulate our vaginas!” I suppose I understand that but how can you not understand what it’s like to know a woman is going to erase someone that could have been your world? When a man feels a woman’s stomach, when he’s reading to her or singing or playing music that baby knows he’s there.

Three years ago today I felt as alone as I do today.

Three years ago today made me realize I may never trust a woman again.

It’s my fault. I should have been able to talk her out of what she did. I should have been in a better position to persuade her to keep that child. I wasn’t and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about that.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about three years ago today.

~ Demez F. White

4 thoughts on “3 Years Ago Today

  1. A baby will come into your future when the time is right. but tjis time it will have two loving parents instead of just one

  2. Sad but again, is it not proper to raise a life when you are emotionally prepared. What would have happened if she decided to keep her/ him and she was unable to nurture and love that life. I know, you may think because you were ready to assume that responsibility as a parent that life would have been cared for by you. But no amount of love and care by one parent can make up for the other. I sympathize with you and feel your pain but find it in you to look at it from her position and forgive her.

  3. Women like her aren’t women. Women like her give the rest of the normal caring compassionate women a bad name. In short not only is this person a bitch for not caring of your feelings, she doesn’t rank among humans in her evolution.

    Don’t let one selfish prima donna ruin your feelings for all women. There are all sorts of good people out there, and there are great women who want children, who are adult enough to handle being a mother even if the time isn’t convenient.

    I am so sorry, you went through this, and wish nothing more than for you to be able to move past this horrible time in your life and find some solace somehow.

  4. If you can’t handle the choices your partner will make with a pregnancy, don’t have sex or at the very least take responsibility for the birth control. You know the situation beforehand. If you can’t accept the consequences, don’t take the risk. I’m sorry to be so harsh, but buck up and accept you are responsible for more than just poor powers of persuasion. You did this. You knew the risks, of everything including the decisions your partner was likely to make, and you were willing to take them.

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