Needing A Friend but Not Quite Knowing How to Be A Friend

385448_213663785373354_118911191515281_532154_1408080341_n Tonight is my last night or I should say morning working for the next week or so. It’s been a long time and I am beyond tired but I’m also lonely. It’s weird, I can’t bring myself to say the words out loud though I can bring myself to write the words. All I can see in my head is eating fish and shrimp that have been in my freezer for a week, drinking cold beer and bourbon and coke and wasting the Sunday away just doing nothing.

When you’ve been on your feet most of three weeks doing nothing sounds amazing. The only problem is I don’t imagine doing this by myself. I imagine a friend being there but the truth is I’m not sure I have any? I know dozens of people but someone that I can just call out the blue to come hang out, no one comes to mind.

I don’t try to do this but I’m aware that when I give off a certain vulnerability and sadness that’s almost attractive in a way to some women because I think they want to save me, they want to make me smile.

When I say I’ve never learned how to be a friend what I mean is I have the responsibility part down. You need a ride to the airport, to borrow some money, an ear when you’ve had a bad day. I can do that but it’s that comfort level that friends seem to have that I’ve just never mastered.

I see the way people interact with each other and I don’t think I’ve ever had that, not even with family. You’ll meet very few people that will say anything bad about me as a man but that doesn’t mean I’m the one they call when they have tickets to a concert or game or want to go paintballing.

It just means I’m the one they call when things are serious. I suppose that’s almost a compliment but is it really? You want to know one of the things I love most about writing, blogging? It’s putting my thoughts out there feeling alone, feeling like I’m the only person in the world that feels this way and knowing that I’m not once the words are posted.

Being charming comes natural to me because I like being liked. Being attentive comes natural because I want to have a good professional and social reputation. It’s the in-between things that I sometimes struggle with. You ask me to plan a perfect date and keep a woman smiling all night, I can do that. You ask me to make a friendship work and I’m not sure I’ve done that yet. That scares me because no matter how smart or romantic or dependable I am or try to be everyone needs friends.

Growing up it was always stressed to me the importance of being a man by my family. The importance of having standards and pride and self respect and my word being important. Lessons I’ve never forgotten, but they never taught me how to be a friend even though my family are the friendliest people you’ve ever meet. How to transition from being serious and professional and dependable to being goofy and fun and whatever else friends are. I’m often the man people call with serious problems or with professional opportunities but I’m not the guy they call for the fun stuff. So on a Sunday morning when I’m about to get off work I’m writing to my readers instead of making plans to be lazy on a Sunday with a friend.

Demez F. White

One thought on “Needing A Friend but Not Quite Knowing How to Be A Friend

  1. I think a lot of people feel that way. I know I do. It was easier as a kid when we were forced to spend 7 hours a day with a bunch of people our own age, and there were clubs galore to meet people with similar interests and then spend scheduled time with those people engaging in whatever it was that we all enjoyed. It’s not as easy now, as an introverted adult in a tech-connected and emotionally isolated world. Some people have the knack to make and keep scores of friends, but I’m not one of them. It’s a struggle, and I certainly can’t offer any solutions, but I can tell you you’re definitely not alone.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s