Tonight is my last night or I should say morning working for the next week or so. It’s been a long time and I am beyond tired but I’m also lonely. It’s weird, I can’t bring myself to say the words out loud though I can bring myself to write the words. All I can see in my head is eating fish and shrimp that have been in my freezer for a week, drinking cold beer and bourbon and coke and wasting the Sunday away just doing nothing.
When you’ve been on your feet most of three weeks doing nothing sounds amazing. The only problem is I don’t imagine doing this by myself. I imagine a friend being there but the truth is I’m not sure I have any? I know dozens of people but someone that I can just call out the blue to come hang out, no one comes to mind.
I don’t try to do this but I’m aware that when I give off a certain vulnerability and sadness that’s almost attractive in a way to some women because I think they want to save me, they want to make me smile.
When I say I’ve never learned how to be a friend what I mean is I have the responsibility part down. You need a ride to the airport, to borrow some money, an ear when you’ve had a bad day. I can do that but it’s that comfort level that friends seem to have that I’ve just never mastered.
I see the way people interact with each other and I don’t think I’ve ever had that, not even with family. You’ll meet very few people that will say anything bad about me as a man but that doesn’t mean I’m the one they call when they have tickets to a concert or game or want to go paintballing.
It just means I’m the one they call when things are serious. I suppose that’s almost a compliment but is it really? You want to know one of the things I love most about writing, blogging? It’s putting my thoughts out there feeling alone, feeling like I’m the only person in the world that feels this way and knowing that I’m not once the words are posted.
Being charming comes natural to me because I like being liked. Being attentive comes natural because I want to have a good professional and social reputation. It’s the in-between things that I sometimes struggle with. You ask me to plan a perfect date and keep a woman smiling all night, I can do that. You ask me to make a friendship work and I’m not sure I’ve done that yet. That scares me because no matter how smart or romantic or dependable I am or try to be everyone needs friends.
Growing up it was always stressed to me the importance of being a man by my family. The importance of having standards and pride and self respect and my word being important. Lessons I’ve never forgotten, but they never taught me how to be a friend even though my family are the friendliest people you’ve ever meet. How to transition from being serious and professional and dependable to being goofy and fun and whatever else friends are. I’m often the man people call with serious problems or with professional opportunities but I’m not the guy they call for the fun stuff. So on a Sunday morning when I’m about to get off work I’m writing to my readers instead of making plans to be lazy on a Sunday with a friend.
Demez F. White