I can be an arrogant man. This isn’t something I take pride in, who likes being an asshole? Who likes losing friends or having people you care about think you don’t care about them. Sometimes I want to pick up the phone and just call and say, “I miss you.” Not the kind of miss you that comes with memories of passion or foreplay but the kind of miss you that comes with missing a friend. Nights driving and looking at Christmas lights, drinking hot chocolate. Afternoons sitting on a bench downtown just talking on a lunch break. I want to call and apologize and do those things but pride, pride is a stubborn b*tch. So instead I make smart comments and act like I’m not fazed. That’s being a boy, not a man.
Apologizing means you know you hurt someone or did something wrong so you want to acknowledge your mistake. That’s different from being sorry. Being sorry is realizing your actions had a chain reaction. Being sorry is knowing things can never go back to the way they were because no matter how many times you try and glue it together, that cracked mirror is never going to be the same.
I knew I was wrong but pride made me fight a battle that I’d lost before that first bullet was shot. She’s mad, I’m mad, she says something hurtful, I say something back. A night of frustration turns into a couple days and that turns into a week. Instead of apologizing and maybe just losing the woman I was falling in love with; now I’ve lost a friend. That’s the class they don’t teach us in school. The class that tells us pride can be a beautiful thing and it can be our worst enemy. Every time I see her I regret not saying I was sorry sooner. I regret not being a better friend. Warm bodies come a dime a dozen. Wet thighs on clean sheets are a text message away for most of us. But having someone that genuinely cares if you ate dinner or had a good day. Those are the people that are worth swallowing your pride for. Those are the people that deserve admitting when we were wrong.
~ Demez F. White