Being positive is what I often encourage people to be. Have faith that if you do things the right way then you’ll eventually get the outcome you want. I’m good at talking to people, at seeing the big picture. What happens though when I can’t see the big picture for myself?
When no matter how hard I try and see the shore all I feel like I’m doing is drowning.
It scares me, not being able to breathe, not being able to just catch my breath.
It scares me knowing that no matter how hard I try I just can’t get my head above water.
I hate retreating to this dark place because I’m no good to anyone this way. The weight of the expectations I place on myself feel like a dozen cement blocks weighing me down.
As I type this I’m in my office at work alone. It’s a Holiday so no one else is here but I am, writing, working. Always writing, always working but never feel like I see the fruits of my labor. I put out a new book last night, the first one in 3 years. You know how many people bought it? One.
I’m just tired of trying to see the shore, tired of trying to swim. A part of me just wants to allow the waves to take me under.
I need to hurry and find some form of happiness before it becomes too late for me.