One- It’s not your hoodie girl! You want to know what an awkward feeling is? Putting on your favorite hoodie and it smells like jasmine tea, raspberry lotion and re-runs of Basketball Wives. Do you know how hard it is to be cool walking into Home Depot or the barbershop and you smell like you should be walking into Bed Bath and Beyond? “Why are you always staining my hoodies with your freshly washed body wash and shampoo? You have like four department stores full of clothes?” “I just look better in them than you do.”
Two- She’s not flirting, she’s just a Patriots fan. You’re having a nice family gathering or game night. All the women are in the kitchen or living room talking about whatever it is women talk about and all the guys are on the porch locked in a vicious battle for domino supremacy. In the mist of the Budweiser’s, whiskey, cigar smoke and vulgar jokes is this 5’2 terrorist that has hijacked the game with stories of how great Tom Brady is and how she knows all these domino rules no one has heard about. All the guys are laughing, she wants to know what’s up with James Harden not playing defense. You want to know why she’s not in the house knitting or exchanging peach cobbler recipes but did you really expect anything different? She’s a Tomboy and it’s just what they do. If you tried to tame her, she’d probably dunk on you while you’re getting a pot out the cabinet.
Three- Everything is a competition. No seriously, it’s like living with a mix between Mayweather and a cheerleader from Bring It Own. “Hey babe, have you seen my watch with the brown band?” “Whoever finds it first gets 10 dollars!” “What? I just want the watch because I have a meeting.” Loser has to wash dishes!” How me BBQ’ing turned into a BBQ death match; I will never know.
Four- Play wrestling will leave you scarred for life. If the future mother of your children and source of your stress grew up with a lot of brothers or boy cousins, there’s a chance she’s going to be a Tomboy. There’s also a chance she knows more wrestling moves than Hulk Hogan before he started hating black people. Sure, it all starts with boy shorts and tank tops and pillow fights until you throw her on the couch and now it’s a war baby. I think I came to work with a dislocated shoulder and broke fibula all because she thought it would be funny to hop on my back and choke me out since “You thought you could just pick me up and spin me around huh?” Webae told Namon in season 4 of the Wire, “You either real or you not Nae.” Well, when it comes to “play fighting” with a Tomboy, I may not be real in these streets son.
Five- Tomboys are pervs. Your ass is never safe. Bent over tying your shoe, she’s going to slap it. Opening up the fridge for some mouthwatering delicious Simply Lemonade, she’s going to grap your waist and give you the “got you!” I’ve never been to prison or in a locker room full of curly haired, colorful fingernail loving jocks but I imagine that’s about how it works. Protect yourself at all times.