A Life Long Battle With Depression

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Last Night In Paradise

Depression can be a taboo word, a word associated with weakness or uncertainty. I often wonder are my thoughts just in my head or figments of my imagination. In a couple of weeks I’ll be 33 years old and I’ve been fighting depression my entire life. I suppose I used to be ashamed of it and maybe a part of me still is but I always told myself, “As long as you have more good days than bad days, you’ll be okay.”

There haven’t been a lot of good days as of late and that scares me.

My favorite show is the Game of Thrones and one of my favorite characters is Jamie Lannister. There’s a scene where he’s talking to his father and his father says, “You’re going to need all the help you can get. A one handed man with no family and no friends.” Sometimes I feel that way, like I’m a one handed man with no friends and family.

The solitude I feel, the loneliness, the emptiness, I’ve always thought it made me a better writer. The thing is though, what’s the point of being a better writer if the rest of me is in shambles?

It’s 5:00am and here I sit, at this computer, a glass in my hand, the world in slumber waiting for the weekend. It’s 5:00am and I’m worried that I will lose this battle one day.

4 thoughts on “A Life Long Battle With Depression

  1. The bad days are possibly more frequent than good days because you just loss your beloved Grandmother. You could have subconsciously relied on her to if not make everything better, at least assure you that things are going to be ok. Now she’s not here. You are going to have to find the strength to listen to her voice and everything she taught you.

    Additionally, you might have to allow yourself to lean heavily on your loved ones to make it thru those bad days.

    Thank you for being so open I too share such feelings at times. All that matters is you’re still here to write about them. You got this. Be strong in prayer and keep taking it one day at a time.

  2. Depression is something rarely talked about in the black community. The feeling is hard, I know as my family suffers from depression as well. But you definitely aren’t alone and writing is one powerful tool in keeping the rest of you sane – so don’t stop!

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