Your Standards Aren’t too High; He’s Just Used to Women Lowering the Bar

So often when we have relationship conversations people use the extreme to get their point across. A man that doesn’t have money, a car, a home wants you to pick him up and take him on a date. Or it’s the other extreme where a man has this plethora of women and feels like he doesn’t have to try hard because he’s wealthy or successful. The simple truth is dating is like life, it’s more in the middle than it is any extremes.

You aren’t crazy for wanting a man to ask you out on a Wednesday. Call or text you early Saturday to confirm you’re still going out, tell you how you should dress for the atmosphere you’ll be in and give you options. It’s 2019, not every woman wants you to come to her home if she doesn’t know you. That’s why you ask. Would you like me to pick you up? Would you like to meet me? I can send you money for an Uber. None of these things are asking for too much, none of these are you saying, “My standards are here buddy.”

When you lower your standards to make a man feel comfortable, you’re making yourself feel uncomfortable. Don’t apologize for having standards because often times what you’re asking for isn’t even a lot. cropped-img_0118.jpg

Stop Underestimating How Important It Is to Like the Person You’re With

IMG_0001Love. Love is a word we love to use when describing relationships.

“When is the moment you realized you were in love with someone?”

“What do you love most about him or her?”

We are infatuated with romance and love stories, so much so that we forget liking someone is far more important than loving them. Love is emotional, passionate, an all encompassing feeling that can take over your entire life. Love can be based on how someone makes you feel sexually or spiritually. Love can come from someone being there for you when you were at your lowest and they saved you.

Love isn’t always forever. We aren’t robots, the same way you fall in love with someone, you can easily fall out of love with them. What’s just as important, if not more important, is liking the person you choose to give your heart to.

We all have bad habits, some of us leave hair in the sink, some of us leave clothes lying around. Others of us wake up with bad morning breath or bad attitudes. Either way the thing about liking a person is that you can deal with their “stuff.” We all have “stuff,” none of us are perfect but when you genuinely like someone, you can live with their stuff. You want to be around them even when that passion and intensity isn’t there.

For every romantic dinner and intense night of love making there’s five nights of “what are you we going to eat for dinner” and cramping. These are the nights where liking her makes you want to take care of her and go get food or cook because you know she doesn’t feel well. When she’s your friend it’s easy to do, when she’s your obligation you’ll still do it but it isn’t because you want to. It’s because you know you have to. And obligations have an expiration date.

Every man in the world gets annoyed at his woman. It can be her constantly being on the phone, it can be her leaving her clothes lying around the room and playing sick when you ask her to get them up. But liking her makes you laugh and smile at who she is. Liking her makes you forget about the mess and want to hold her, knowing that you can clean the house up over the weekend.

Love is that feeling that makes men tear down castles and write love songs that last a lifetime. But liking her is the feeling that makes you want to spend six hours in a car driving to New Orleans knowing that talking to her is better than anticipating her. One of the reasons we love the feeling of first meeting someone is that we get to anticipate them. The first kiss, the first shower, the first trip we take together. But you have to remember that there’s life after anticipation. The first time is sexy and fun, can it still be fun when it’s the 34th time?

Joe Budden was talking about his relationship with his son and he said something I’ll never forget. He said it’s just different when you love the mother of your child. It doesn’t mean that you love your child any less but the experience of each moment is just different. You’re sharing those moments in a way you can’t when you don’t love her, let alone like her.

Sorry I’ve been away for so long with the writing. I’m back.

Fall Is Falling In Love Season

Can I be honest with you all for a minute?

I’m not afraid of talking about love or feelings or fears. I’m an adult, adult’s talk about these things. There are plenty of guys that want to be the coolest or hardest in the room, that’s not me. I’m not built like that, I cook and write and flirt and love the little things that make women women. That’s who I’ll always be and I thank God for that.

Living a life where I’m anything or anyone else would make no sense.

Every season is falling in love weather. You can’t control when you meet someone and everything starts to make sense. But something about the fall is just sexy to me. I have better days when the sun isn’t shining as hard and the nights are cooler. I tend to be on my phone less during the day because I actually enjoy working outside.

No matter how cool technology gets it will never compare to the feel of body heat next to you on a couch or porch when that first Fall breeze hit your face. When you have those moments of peace, conversation and attraction falling in love is the most natural vibe in the world.

We fall in like during sunshine and falling leaves. We fall in love when the sun goes down and it’s not quite cold enough for a sweater but just cool enough for her to sit under me because she has goosebumps. When the seasons change so do our outlooks. With beautiful weather comes beautiful memories and with beautiful memories comes sensations that make our lives matter.

I’m sure a lot of people that’ll read this love summer, short dresses, late nights after day parties and summer vacations. I’d never knock summer but Fall is when I feel most alive and how can you not fall in love when you feel alive.

It’s cool to be cynical and feel like love is an overrated word or romance is dead. If you feel that way I can’t blame you because you’ve dealt with stressful men or women in your life. But if you are that person, all I can say to you is to not let that taint the season coming up.

Picnics in the park where the bugs aren’t as bad and the sun isn’t as dreadful. Late night drives to Galveston where you can’t tell just how dark the water is or just how rocky the sand can be.

Stop letting the past haunt you and say yes to whatever guy asked you out last week. Say yes to whatever woman is throwing signs at you but she may not be your type. Say yes to making memories and maybe falling in love.

 

 

 

Demez F. White  winter

Having Daughter’s Isn’t God Punishing You For Being A Womanizer; It’s Just Your Guilty Conscience

father and daughterYesterday was Mother’s Day and I spent it at my cousin’s house with family. As we were outside talking about life and kids and responsibility we started to talk about children. And how it was a consensus among all the men that having daughters was somewhat terrifying. Not because little girls are worse than boys or grow up to be angry women but because of our guilty consciences.

For all of my life, even before I started dating I knew there were double standards for boys and girls. Men are often times praised for having multiple conquest and women are shamed for it. A guy can be a whore is entire life and if he changes to be faithful to one woman and love her right; the whole world applauds him. On the other hand, if a woman is a whore, that stigma never leaves. That’s an entirely different conversation but just as example.

I’m not sure when this became a thing but it’s probably been around for centuries. Somewhere along the way men got it in their heads that God or fate was cursing them by giving them daughters. Especially if that man was a womanizer. You want to know something funny and sad at the same time? Watch a grown man project all of his guilt and sins and tortured conscience onto an innocent child. Not because she’s doing anything wrong but because in her he sees every woman he ever lied to, cheated on, misused or abused. In her he sees fear, the fear that he’ll have to dry her tears because a man breaks her heart.

As much as we want to believe that having a daughter is karma for the bad you’ve inflected on others; a much easier thought to believe is that maybe there’s no secret revenge plot by God and fate but it was just the sperm that made it first. Maybe instead of projecting your insecurities onto your daughter, you could give her confidence and not let the double standards and misogyny that you were raised with live in how you raise her. Maybe you raise a daughter strong enough not to ever let a man disrespect her like you disrespected women. All of that takes looking inside of yourself.

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“I’m Not Your Ex, I’m Not Your Father, I’m Me” Words Every Woman Should Hear and Feel

People are the sum of their experiences.

Let me say that again, “Human beings are the sum of their experiences.”

How can a man expect a woman to have faith in him if every man before him has let her down? Not specifically dating but in life. Imagine being a little girl and your father breaks your heart by not being there, making promises he didn’t keep. Imagine having brothers that you love to death and they didn’t protect you, used women, lied. These are her experiences with men and this is all before she even starts to date.

Women love on a level that men rarely do.

Women love on a level that’s selfless, there’s very few conditions past being loyal and nice. So think about it, you’re this woman that’s trying her best to be a good girlfriend or wife and what happens; your trust is broken.

So we’re talking men she’s grown up with letting her down and men she’s dated letting her down. I haven’t even touched on the guy friends. The ones that pretend they want friendship or the best for her and then when she gets a man or goes on a date he flips. Decides to bare his soul and hate her because she should have known he was in love.

So let me say it again, “Human beings are the sum of their experiences.”

That brings me to my original point, how does a man expect a woman to have blind faith in him when all she’s ever known is disappointment from men?

You can’t. It may be frustrating, it may be annoying, it may feel as though she doesn’t know you. But the simple truth is, you’re going to have to show her. You’re going to have to keep being the man she wants but isn’t expecting. You can’t let pride get in the way.

If every guy she’s ever trusted has ran, not kept his word, she’s protecting herself. If her friends and family have experienced the same thing, she’s protecting herself. She’s thinking about what they’ve been through and what’s she’s been through. Maybe she sees something in you that scares her, that reminds her of men in her past.

Ease her mind, her fears, be the guy that shows her rather than argues with her.DSC_0341(1)@authordwhite on all social media platforms.

We Aren’t Our Grandparents; Not Sure If That’s A Good or Bad Thing

When I was growing up my bedroom was right next to the living room and there were so many nights I would hear my grandmother and grandfather sitting in the living room talking. It was their routine. My grandmother would sit and read her bible and my grandfather would wait until the news went off and join her while she fixed him something sweet to eat.

Most nights I’m not sure what they talked about but I know they had very few secrets if any and they were each other’s sounding board. The thing about their generation is that they understood at some point your family evolved. Your immediate family went from your mom and dad and brothers and sisters to your husband or wife and your children. Your secrets and concerns stopped being between bestfriends and siblings and started being with your husband or wife.

Our generation has moved away from that and I can’t tell anyone reading this whether or not that’s good or bad, what works for you and your relationship works for you and your relationship but I can tell you that it can’t help that we don’t have that same sense of closeness and loyalty anymore.

It also works on the opposite in. My grandparents and that generation, the women didn’t ask a lot of questions and in a lot of cases, they didn’t have a lot of options. If they found a man that had a good job and was a good provider they didn’t divorce him no matter his flaws. Our women are different, they have jobs and careers and in a lot of cases are more financially stable then the men they’re with. There isn’t that same sense of accepting whatever he brings.

How cannot that not be a good thing?

I wish I could work and not worry about my wife working but we don’t live in that world anymore. You need two incomes and when your woman has to work how often can you come home to a homecooked meal? It’s the last day of 2017 and I haven’t one time this year.

Like I mentioned in the beginning, there’s no right or wrong answer but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a happy medium.

In case I get the feeling to write at 10:00pm on my cell phone this will more than likely be my last blog of 2017. So let me leave anyone reading with this thought.

Generations may change, cost of living and eras may change but the bond that a man and woman share will never change. If you find yourself questioning the priorities you share with a person you need to talk to them, make sure you’re on the same page. Often times we spend so much time analyzing that we forget to put down the cell phones and laptops and talk.

Do more of that in 2018.DSC_0341(1)

Love Isn’t Always Being Strong Enough To Stay; Often Times It’s Being Strong Enough To Let Go

I’m not sure how old I was when I started to relate to love songs. Not understand what sex was or heartbreak was but I listened to the words and could literally relate them to my own relationships and situations. Love is universal, you can speak different languages and be from different religions and still understand what your heart is speaking.

If you’re at home or at work or hiding in the bathroom trying to get a break from the kids, I want you to imagine with me. Imagine where you would be right now if you didn’t let go of a love you thought was irreplaceable? Imagine if you didn’t find the strength to leave that guy that wasn’t affectionate enough, the woman that only called when she needed something. Imagine if God would have answered your prayers when you said you couldn’t live without him. Happy Endings aren’t always relationships prospering, sometimes the Happy Ending is you being able to walk away.

We live in this world now where technology has made everyone feel more closely connected when the truth is technology is often a barrier to the connections we so deeply seek. Twenty years ago if you hurt someone you love you called their house and when they didn’t answer you went to them. You talked or argued, you broke up or made up, but it was real. Now not answering the phone means text and tweets and Facebook post. Relationships that should have ended just thrive in limbo.

I believe I’m going to be an amazing writer not because I can create characters out of thin air. I believe I will be an amazing writer because I’m transparent like every great writer before me. You have to take off the mask and the filter and tell your story. The good, the bad, the ugly. It won’t always be flattering and romantic but it will be a story people can relate to.

It doesn’t make you weak to fight for someone you love when you don’t feel like they’re fighting as hard for you. It doesn’t make you a savage to tell someone that will give their last to you, “This isn’t working anymore.” We have become a generation that gets our advice from meme’s and actors that give us words we want to hear instead of getting advice from our hearts.

When the day comes that you feel more comfortable sharing your day with strangers or friends then with the person you’re with. Sit down and have a serious conversation with yourself. That’s not only loving the person you’re with but loving yourself enough to know, it’s time to let go.