Learning to Enjoy What Happens In the Middle

Insecurity Can Ruin a Relationship Before It Even Gets Started If You Aren’t Careful

I think I went through B’s phone in our second month of dating. We were watching a movie; she fell asleep, and she was sleeping hard. It was that sleep where her snoring scared me it was so loud. That’s when I knew she felt comfortable around me, but that’s not what I’m going to talk about right now. What I’m going to talk about is me being insecure and how it almost ruined our relationship before it got started.

That’s going to be a general theme in this book, by the way—being accountable for the dumb things you do. It’s not sexy or manly to write down on these pages that I went through a woman’s phone who felt comfortable enough to fall asleep around me, but I’m writing this because that dumb mistake set off a chain of events that could have ruined us before we even had a chance to get started.

She caught me, and I tried to play if off, but how do you play off holding someone’s phone in your hand? “Hey babe, you’re up? I was just updating your Candy Crush App for you.” I was beyond embarrassed and didn’t even have a reason to be doing it. Expecting WW3 to happen, I put the phone down and waited for my verbal lashing. Instead, she went back to sleep, and I was left feeling like that kid who was waiting on the teacher to call my mom and tell her I’d been acting up in class.

This is the truth. I was still dating around, still entertaining women. We were talking more and more, but we weren’t a couple; there was nothing official about us. That’s how I justified my actions, but by me still being out there, it made me look at her, like, “Is she doing what I’m doing?”

That type of logic is childish and it’s run rampant for years. He can do what he wants, but if she does the exact same thing, it’s a problem.

I’m writing about this from a male perspective because I happen to be a man, but believe me when I tell you that this can also apply to women. Insecurity doesn’t have a particular age or gender attached to it. My lameness happened to be about going through a phone. Yours could be about looking for a lie in a perfectly good explanation or expecting someone to have ulterior motives when they’ve given you no reason to believe they’re lying to you.

I’ve been the one who was jealous and had unwarranted trust issues, but I’ve also been the one accused of things I hadn’t even thought about doing. I’ve even found myself in the role of the “friend” who men don’t feel comfortable with their women being around. I’ve experienced all three phases, and all three phases have one thing in common.

Every second you spend giving energy to that insecurity is a second that you aren’t breathing life into a good situation and person.


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