3 Years Ago Today

baby angel Three years ago today she told me she was pregnant. A part of me knew she was lying but another part of me wanted it to be true, needed it to be true. I’m a man that fully expects to not have my first child until I’m married but there’s a cost for unprotected pleasures. If I had to pay that cost I was more than willing.

That night I didn’t feel fear or regret or anxiety. I wasn’t upset or excited or numb. All I felt was love, love for someone that would need me, love for a child that was probably no bigger than a mustard seed. It wasn’t a perfect situation but God doesn’t make mistakes right?

I knew in my heart she didn’t want to have my child. I knew it wasn’t a part of her plans the same way it wasn’t a part of mines but I was willing to do whatever it took. She wasn’t, she didn’t want to keep it and no matter how much I tried to talk her out of it, I couldn’t.

Driving home, her blowing my phone up, I pulled over and cried. I cried like I’ve never cried before for a life I would never know. That’s the downside to being creative you know, to having this imagination that’s explosive. I see things simply by thinking about them.

That night was the first night I experienced hate. How could I not hate a person that wasn’t willing to accept life? Today she/he would have been close to three. When it’s quiet and I feel alone I wonder what that child would be like, I wonder if he’d look like me or her. Would it be a little girl that always talking back or laughing?

Women say that men have no rights when it comes to what happens to a fetus, “Stop trying to regulate our vaginas!” I suppose I understand that but how can you not understand what it’s like to know a woman is going to erase someone that could have been your world? When a man feels a woman’s stomach, when he’s reading to her or singing or playing music that baby knows he’s there.

Three years ago today I felt as alone as I do today.

Three years ago today made me realize I may never trust a woman again.

It’s my fault. I should have been able to talk her out of what she did. I should have been in a better position to persuade her to keep that child. I wasn’t and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about that.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about three years ago today.

~ Demez F. White