An Open Letter to the Father’s That Weren’t There; It’s Not too Late

img_0173I didn’t want to post this on yesterday because I believe that Father’s Day is reserved for the men that deserve to get recognition. The ones that takes turns getting up at night when the baby is crying. The dads that have to rush home from work to get to little league practices and then help with homework because mom has to cook dinner. Those men deserve all the days of being spoiled they can get.

Life isn’t lunch meat or milk. There’s no expiration date on when you can say, “I need to start over,” or “I want to make things right.” There are so many father’s out here that weren’t there when their children were kids and they don’t know how to make that right. It’s too late for ice cream and Barbie dolls or GI Joes. It’s too late for camping in the backyard and little league games. So they just let year after year go until they’re strangers to the people that share their DNA. Not realizing it’s never too late to at the very least have a friendship.

Holding grudges against your father for not being there only hurts you. I spent years trying to be a better man than my father and in the end I’m no better than him because the ultimate character of a man is to be able to forgive. A lot of our father’s just weren’t ready for fatherhood. They didn’t know how to be dads and by the time they were willing to try or realized their mistakes it was too late. At least in their eyes. So it’s up to us to reach out to them, maybe we’ll never have the father/ son relationship we craved as children but there’s value in becoming their friend. In getting to know where you came from. There’s value in your children knowing where they came from.

The easiest thing in the world is to make a mistake or screw up and walk away. Saying to yourself, “They were good without me as children, so why would they need me as teenagers or adults?” Just because a child grows up doesn’t mean he or she ever stops being your child. Even if it’s just a phone call once a week or Sunday dinner at Popeye’s, that quality time does wonders.

Baylor, Rape and a Culture That Doesn’t Respect Women

baylor“Actions by University administrators directly discouraged some complainants from reporting or participating in student conduct processes and in one instance constituted retaliation against a complainant for reporting sexual assault.”

The above statement is part of a statement released by Baylor. A school that just fired the most successful football coach in its history. There was a lot in the statement that made me cringe but the part I’m writing about today is the part that makes this almost unforgivable. It’s the part where Baylor not only told young women to not report the abuse but it’s the part where they retaliated against one of the women for reporting the abuse.

This wasn’t a football coach that told a player’s girlfriend to take it easy on him for cheating on her. This was a football coach that ignored his peers advice and brought football players into Waco, Texas that were nothing more than sexual predators. In one instance Art Briles said he’d never heard of off the field incidents with some of the transfer players he’d brought in. That was disputed by then Boise State head coach Chris Peterson who said he told Briles about the incident in which Sam Ukwuachu beat his girlfriend.

The same Sam Ukwuachu that while at Baylor was convicted of raping a female soccer player at the school. The same Sam Ukwuachu that was a known bad guy. He wasn’t one of those, “He needs a second chance” guys. It wasn’t until the guy was arrested that they finally decided to put him off the team.

Then we have Shawn Oakman. Maybe the most intimidating looking man in college football. Standing almost 6 feet 7 inches and muscles everywhere. He’s currently facing charges of sexual assault. According to reports he met a Baylor grad student out, took her to his apartment. Forcefully removed her clothes and raped her. Even before this case there were whispers out there about him and his past.

School officials, not football guys, but actual suit and tie academics decided to sweep all this under the rug. Why? Because for the first time in school history Baylor Football mattered. They were tired of getting stomped on by Texas and Oklahoma and they wanted it to continue. It continued alright, it continued at the expense of women all over campus.

It’s hard for me to call college girls women because most of them are coming straight from their parents protection and are still children. Baylor literally served them up on a platter for no reason other than wins.

Who Do You Run To?

Life is defined by moments. dwhite

In-between going to work and making up the bed and brushing our teeth there are moments that shape us. Moments that make us who we are and stay with us. When you’re having a bad day, when you’re having a good day, when you just need to talk to someone. Who is it that you run to?

For some it’s their best friend, for some it’s their mother or sister. For most people in a relationship it’s going to be their significant other. That moment you get good news, he or she is the first person that pops in your mind. He or she is the only person you want to share that news with.

If they aren’t, they should be. It’s not just good news though, when your heart is broken and you need someone to help you put it back together, that man or woman you say you’re in love with; that should be the person you go to first. The person you talk to. If it’s not, then they don’t need to be in your life.

Accepting truths aren’t always easy because feelings get involved, comfort levels get involved. But if you’re more comfortable texting a friend or a random guy on twitter than you are the person you’re with; you just aren’t with the right person. Sometimes we get so caught up in who someone is that we don’t stop and think about how that person makes us feel.

Acceptance Leads to Happiness

Acceptance leads to change, growth, happiness. Though at times it might not feel like it. When you accept your limitations or a situation you accept the reality of your options.

It feels and sounds so incredibly noble to say, “I’ll never quit. I’ll never give up! I’ll fight until I can’t!” That can be noble, that can brave and that can also be foolish. Accepting that not every situation is meant to end in victory can save us so much time and energy and heartbreak.

It’s not just about accepting your limitations though, it’s also about accepting the potential greatness that we all have inside of us. When you limit yourself you’re placing a cap on your happiness. That’s self destructive.

The journey to happiness starts with acceptance no matter which road you take.

~ Demez F. White

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I’m A Great Guy But…

Author Demez F. White… I would rather lie to you than disappoint you. I know, I know… The truth is the most important thing in the world and from my own experiences I can tell you that the truth usually comes to light over time. That doesn’t stop me from lying with conviction and sincerity. Does that make me an evil person, I would hope not. I think it just makes me someone that despises seeing the look of disappointment on your face.

I’m a great guy but…. I take things to personal. I will seriously stop talking to you if I feel that you’ve offended me in any way. No matter how big or how small, it could be ignoring a Facebook comment, it could be a text message or phone call in which I took offense to. I over think everything and since I don’t really keep people close to me, losing people doesn’t bother me. Well, let me stop lying, it does bother me. Especially now that I’m older, all the dismissals, the people I ignored or dissed. It’s starting to come back to me, dating is cool, but sometimes you just need a friend and the lack of importance I placed on friends over the years is coming back to hunt me.

I’m a great guy but… I flirt waaaay to much! I was in a relationship for 8 years; it was almost illegal for me to even look at another woman. So, now that I’m single I can’t help but to enjoy the spoils of that. One of my biggest fears is that I won’t be able to stop once I do find someone. The writing hasn’t helped tame this either.

I’m a great guy but… I lost the love of my life because of my insecurities and because of that I push anyone that gets the least bit close away; I’m compounding one relationship mistake I made with bad decision after bad decision in the way I approach women. I see it happening and in my mind I want to stop it but I just keep repeating it.

I’m a great guy but… I set the bar so high that it’s impossible for anyone to live up to my expectations and if by a miracle they do… I’ll set it even higher because I’m afraid to love anyone on a level that could make me weak.

I’m a great guy but… I listen to entirely too much slow music, too many love songs, too many sad songs… I don’t think I’m heart broken anymore and I’m not in love but what I am is a hopeful romantic, looking for that “Hitch” “27 Dresses” “Love Jones” sort of connection but the thing is, that’s not real life. Romances and relationships aren’t created in 1.5 hours with bad storylines and a lot of chemistry. The situation will never be PERFECT; it’s up to me to start thinking more logical.

I’m a great guy but… I’ve never kissed a woman on the first date! I’ve never had a one night stand or even a one night freak fest and I think this has hurt me. Men should get out and sleep around at a certain point in our lives. There’s a reason why they call it sewing our wild oats because you need to get that out your system. I don’t want to be the 50 year old man creeping around trying to re-live something I never had.

I’m a great guy but… I lost the best friend I ever had because I couldn’t accept the fact that she was getting married. Chatting on Facebook for hours at a time, amazing phone conversations, she loved Politics and helping people. She had her own business and was ambitious and she was my friend. A real FRIEND! And I sabotaged our friendship because I would rather end it SWIFTLY then to watch her fade away from me. I still think about her everyday, I think about her because she represents what’s broken in me. She represents the lies I tell myself when I say all I need is my desire to be successful in life.

I’m a great guy but… I’m nowhere near perfect, as a matter of fact! I’m lost at times, but I know I’m not a stereotype or deadbeat. I don’t have children running around; I don’t live off my family or sleep around. I’m a great guy but I’m growing 🙂

The Divorced Woman and the Single Man… An Adult Conversation

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By: Sapphire and Demez

Her Words

“I saw the pieces of my marriage falling apart 2 years ago and as much as I’d like to think I could’ve prevented it; the truth of the matter is that it would’ve always ended this way.”

When I first started writing this I searched incessantly for definitions, synonyms, phrases or anecdotes but came to the conclusion that there seems to be a lack of vocabulary or feelings that can properly and intelligently describe that monumental “AHA” moment in your life when you realize that your world as you knew it, as you planned and hoped it would be is not only over but now you must find a way to save face, to repair mental, physical and intellectual self and learn to live and possibly love again.

His Words

Women are the ones that are supposed to worry about their biological clock. Women are the ones that are supposed to worry about how much weight their gaining or whether or not they’ll get a call back. That’s what you tell yourself when you’re a single man, when you hit 30 and every woman you date seems to fall by the wayside. When things start out so perfectly but even in those perfect moments you know something will go wrong. It scares you, it shakes you to your core. Is it me? Is it society? Do I not make enough money? Am I not attractive? You question things that you’ve never questioned before.

Her Words

Hindsight is a baldheaded blonde bitch I swear, but If I’m brutally honest with myself I knew the end was near, but no matter how much I mentally prepared myself, none of it could’ve braced me for the severity of the devastation that was done to my heart. I felt as if I betrayed myself by allowing my heart to dictate what path would be our source of happiness because the “signs” were all there but I accepted them in faith that our togetherness would outweigh our lack. I don’t love easily at all and I can count on my fingers how many guys I’ve been ecstatic about or developed any emotional connection with at all, so for me to even be in this position to experience this pivotal moment, crucified me to my core.

I could calculate the month, day, time and hour when I stopped being truly happy and it was eating away at me; I had the medication and an ulcer to prove it. I drank and submerged my feelings to the brink of impossibility and yet I could feel myself mentally unraveling. I hated the person I’d become; this yelling, arguing, uncontrolled maniac who couldn’t find a way to give two fucks because I’d given everything that was in me. I was empty and depleted beyond measure and no amount of anything seemed to fill the void inside me. It’s only in this tour of my fall from grace can I explain why being happy is my only choice.

His Words

The dates start to run together, you forget the names of women you kissed. Remember the exact moments you knew she wouldn’t call you back or you wouldn’t call her back. Sleep becomes a memory because how do you sleep when you’re always sleeping alone? Ambien and Tylenol PM become crutches. Hennessy and wine become bedmates. I spend more time in my mind than I do in reality. You log on Facebook and see men that were the biggest players in the world getting engaged and having babies. You see women that you used to talk to every morning and every night happy and in love. Happiness becomes something you just used to know.

I can remember the month, day, time and hour when I stopped being happy and started hoping. I can remember the month, day, time and hour when that hope turned to fear. When that fear turned to emptiness. I want to be happy, I want to be one of those people that are single and living the life but the void… The void becomes a black hole I feel like no one can understand. She said she loved him and not me, that’s what she told me. That killed a bit of me. She said that she could carry his child and not mines because she knew with him she’d always have security. Knowing that broke me. How do you find happiness when you feel broken?

Her Words

I won’t lie and say that I ached for a man, for his time and comfort but I damn sure want every minute and moment of it. Thumbing through my list of exes is never an option and the sheer idea of dating unnerves me especially with my severely bruised ego. I enjoy meeting new people but it seems as if most are so eager for their next orgasm that they don’t realize that most mind shattering moments come from having a real connection. That’s what I miss most. I miss smelling “his” scent all over me. I miss those wet sloppy kisses for no reason; having someone to be goofy with and knowing that they see me for all that I am and aspire to be.

I miss being held and touched in ways that only “he” knows because “he” discovered them and most of all I miss “his” weight. I relish the thought of “him” lying next to me and finally knowing what it means to be truly happy but until then I’ll accept truly satisfied for the moment. I do miss having a permanent “him” in my life but I take solace in knowing that my happy ever after hasn’t come to an end because one chapter of my life is over. If what they say is true, if you really do attract what’s inside of you, then I can’t wait to see what manifests because I’m happier than I‘ve been in a very, very long time and I realized that doesn’t mean that my world wasn’t affected; it means that I’m truly ready to start healing and taking care of me.

His Words

The smell of a woman’s skin when she’s first out the shower, that scent lives with me. It’s a mix of heat and sweetness and wetness that invades every sense I have. Watching her sit on the bed and rub lotion on her ankles, thighs, arms, and chest. Watching her inhale and exhale. I miss slowly pulling the towel away and rubbing my nose along her navel, her inner thighs. I miss the heat that comes from what’s between her legs. I’ve had sex, I’ve fucked women but I miss making love. There isn’t much that can compare to being inside of a woman you love and not caring if she gets pregnant. Not caring if she’s sick or tired or hurt because you know you’re going to be there regardless.

I miss sitting at my computer writing and having her come sit o my lap or hug me from behind. That look on her face when she bites her lip and sits on my weight. Getting her rhythm and moving like she’s a jockey trying to win the Kentucky Derby. There’s these moments where the memories feel so real and reality seems like it’s worlds away. In those moments I could have given up, I could have settled but instead all I wanted was more. All I want is more. My happiness will come, I will find the person that will help me find my happiness.