Baylor, Rape and a Culture That Doesn’t Respect Women

baylor“Actions by University administrators directly discouraged some complainants from reporting or participating in student conduct processes and in one instance constituted retaliation against a complainant for reporting sexual assault.”

The above statement is part of a statement released by Baylor. A school that just fired the most successful football coach in its history. There was a lot in the statement that made me cringe but the part I’m writing about today is the part that makes this almost unforgivable. It’s the part where Baylor not only told young women to not report the abuse but it’s the part where they retaliated against one of the women for reporting the abuse.

This wasn’t a football coach that told a player’s girlfriend to take it easy on him for cheating on her. This was a football coach that ignored his peers advice and brought football players into Waco, Texas that were nothing more than sexual predators. In one instance Art Briles said he’d never heard of off the field incidents with some of the transfer players he’d brought in. That was disputed by then Boise State head coach Chris Peterson who said he told Briles about the incident in which Sam Ukwuachu beat his girlfriend.

The same Sam Ukwuachu that while at Baylor was convicted of raping a female soccer player at the school. The same Sam Ukwuachu that was a known bad guy. He wasn’t one of those, “He needs a second chance” guys. It wasn’t until the guy was arrested that they finally decided to put him off the team.

Then we have Shawn Oakman. Maybe the most intimidating looking man in college football. Standing almost 6 feet 7 inches and muscles everywhere. He’s currently facing charges of sexual assault. According to reports he met a Baylor grad student out, took her to his apartment. Forcefully removed her clothes and raped her. Even before this case there were whispers out there about him and his past.

School officials, not football guys, but actual suit and tie academics decided to sweep all this under the rug. Why? Because for the first time in school history Baylor Football mattered. They were tired of getting stomped on by Texas and Oklahoma and they wanted it to continue. It continued alright, it continued at the expense of women all over campus.

It’s hard for me to call college girls women because most of them are coming straight from their parents protection and are still children. Baylor literally served them up on a platter for no reason other than wins.

Stop Making Excuses For Bad Behavior

I hold men to a higher standard than I hold women because men are supposed to be less emotional, more in control. I’m fully aware that for a lot of men that isn’t the case, they are more feminine in a lot of cases than women are but regardless of that men still have to be men.

In holding men so accountable what I’ve also done is not address a significant elephant in the room. Women making excuses for bad behavior. I’m not a hip hop writer but earlier this week or late last week Rick Ross got engaged and in typical rapper fashion he’s marrying a stripper. What comes with rapper+stripper+social media? Foolishness. His fiances mother said, after a woman accused the rapper of sleeping around, “It doesn’t matter what he does in the streets, men will be men. What matters is that he’s taking care of home.” People killed her on social media for that mindset but in reality they were just killing her for saying it online.

I want everyone that’s reading this to be honest with yourself. You don’t have to comment or tell the world but just be honest with yourself. How many women do you know that are married or that are in a relationship and they overlook questionable or bad behavior by their man. They overlook it because the good qualities out way the bad. They overlook it because he keeps whatever he’s doing a secret and he’s not embarrassing her. Let’s be honest. Our grandmothers, our mothers, they may have never said this was okay but we know they accepted it. We know they turned a blind eye and in turn they created a generation of women that think it’s okay.

I’m here to say it’s not okay. I don’t care if a man is taking care of home. I don’t care that he’s a good father or good husband of good boyfriend. Do you know how much of a hypocritical statement that is? How can a man be a good father when he’s unfaithful to the mother of his children? When those children here her crying or see her sad even though she thinks they don’t see it. How can a man be a good husband if he’s so weak that he is constantly seeking the attention of other women. Today I won’t put this solely on the men that are screwing up. Today I’m holding the women accountable that accept less than. That accept a man being less than a father, less than a husband, less than a friend.

I constantly hear stats about women outnumbering men or men having more options and maybe in a sense that’s true but you want to know what’s not true? It’s not true that men always reach for the low hanging fruit. It’s easy to convince yourself that a little bad, a little ain’t shitness is okay. But in convincing yourself of that what you’re ultimately doing is lowering your standards and being an active participant in your own broken heart.

I am one of those guys that would say, “If a man is going to cheat, that’s between him and his woman. What does that have to do with me?” I was wrong man, it’s my place to tell that guy whether he’s a friend or an associate that he’s wrong. That no woman deserves to be passed around or be forced to share. Too many men have become followers and have become afraid to lead, even if it’s only by example. And too many women have become afraid of being alone. Let me tell you something as a man that has done my fair share of screwed up things. There’s no solace, no peace in having half a man. Whatever pleasure you feel from an orgasm will quickly be replaced by the guilt and depression of feeling like you aren’t enough. Hold yourself accountable.

If your grandmother put up with your dad cheating and your mother put up with your father cheating what do you think is going to happen to your son or daughter if you put up with it? They are going to grow up feeling like it’s okay and it’s not. These kids are already exposed to more by the age of 10 then we were by 18. So why expose them to habits that will lead them down paths of unhappiness? Part of being a man is deciding that the love of one woman is worth a million women. Part of being a woman is deciding that the love of yourself is worth not accepting less than what you deserve.

~ Demez F. White

Sunday Morning Thoughts: The Man vs The Writer

My cousin and I

My cousin and I

Good Morning World!!!

I am on the tail end of a really long work weekend and before I go home and crash I had some thoughts I needed to get out of my head.

Last night I had a really long and fruitful conversation with a friend, I’m saying last night, I should be saying this morning. She called my writing “fantastical” which is a real word by the way, who knew? What she meant by that was the way that I write isn’t who I am in real life. I took offense to that at first but the more she explained herself and the more I listened I realized she was right.

My writing takes place in a perfect world where situations always make sense and men and women are adults. I write about chivalry and responsibility and men taking women out on dates and paying for dates. I write about acceptance and understanding. Principles that I would like to think I live by, the problem comes in when people take my writing and apply it to everything I do and everything I am as a man on an everyday basis. That’s not fair because I’ve made mistakes. I’ll probably make mistakes in the future.

It’s not that I try to come off as perfect or having all the answers when I write. It’s that I want to set a higher standard and a lot of times that means I have to live up to those standards. I once went out with a woman and I had her meet me at Hooters. March Madness was on, it was a Friday, I thought it was going to be a good time, I knew she liked basketball and who doesn’t like wings? As we’re sitting there I could tell she was upset so I’m thinking in my mind if I did something to piss her off, instead of racking my brain I just asked her. She said, “You wrote an article about places a man should take a woman on a date. There was Top Golf, there was Hotel Sorella and there was some other really romantic place. Why are we at Hooters?” At that point I realized she couldn’t separate the writer from the man and that was my fault.

There has been so many times that in the middle of a conversation a woman has literally quoted something I said and shut me up because how do I argue with my own words? That’s the problem when you put your voice and thoughts out there, you run of risk of being a hypocrite if you aren’t the man you’re telling the world you are. I’ve written about loving women that are girly, dresses and heels not realizing that if I’m dating a woman that isn’t girly that could be offensive. I’ve written about the proper way to date when I’ve sent text asking women to go get a drink knowing two days earlier I said that men should call and schedule. I was held accountable and it made me better.

Maturity and Honesty Are Worth It

20140701-070314.jpg Maturity and Honesty Are Worth It

When I was younger I tried to justify lying. The logic was if the truth was going to hurt someone; lying couldn’t hurt them. They would never find out the truth right? I’m not just talking about dating but in a lot of aspects of life.

The truth can be awkward, it can be uncomfortable but the truth is also liberating. Once you take the route of lying to yourself and others, you have to keep lying. Maybe the truth never comes out but most of the time; it will. Maturity means accepting responsibility and dealing with that awkwardness and accepting the consequences.

The truth means the door is always open even if it’s only cracked. Relationships can become fractured, friendships broken but if you’re honest anything’s possible. Maybe you can’t fix it today or tomorrow but overtime the fact that you were honest will mean something. When you lie though, it’s a mirage. A figment of your imagination. You feel like everything is fine but there’s an expiration date on that happiness.

Free yourself from that bondage that comes with lies. Maturity comes with a peace of mind you can’t imagine. If the truth means you’ll lose some friends, a job, a man/ woman then so be it. It’s better than living a lie or lying to get some ass.

~ Demez F. White

Why Sex Before Marriage Is Spiritually Destructive…

When a man or woman thinks you’re worth their heart they’ll wait on the physical part. This piece isn’t about judging those that have or that are having sex outside of marriage. It’s about wanting all of us, including myself to do better at knowing our spiritual worth. When you give your body to a person you’re connected. That connection is so strong because sex was meant for marriage. People often say, “Take care of your body, you only get one.” I say, “Take care of your spirit, you get your body for 70yrs in some cases. Your spirit last an eternity.

If you’ve ever read my writing it’s obvious I love women and the pleasures that come with them. I’ve made a name for myself writing about those pleasures. It’s not easy separating my desires from my faith but I do it because I want to be accountable to myself. I don’t want to be the guy that has to worry every time I meet one of wife’s friends because I’ve slept with her or one of her girls.

Sex feels amazing because God wanted to reward us for introducing life into this world. Our spirits and emotions suck in and out of each other each time our bodies touch. Do you want your spiritual well being all over the place?

There’s such a piece of mind that comes with waiting for that special person. Even if you just had sex with them last night there’s no rule that says you can’t stop today. Waiting a year, 6 months before marriage can probably give you that same anticipation.

Just remember our bodies are temples that need to be worshiped by people we would give our lives for.