Random Thoughts to End 2017

Drake has this line in one of his songs where he says, “Sometimes I wish I can go back in time, not to change anything but to experience the feeling of those moments just one more time.” I’ll be thirty five in a month or so and 2018 will more than likely be one of the most life altering years of my life. It’ll also be the year where I become the man that stops believing in happiness and starts believing in obligation. What I mean by that is at some point in every adult’s life you have to stop chasing what you think will make you happy and start pursuing what will make you successful and provide a foundation for your family’s future.

2017 was a good year for me. I achieved some goals, fell short on some other ones but overall I kept pushing, kept going in the direction I needed to go in. That was professionally. Personally a part of me feels as though I took a step back. I’ve went days and weeks without talking to anyone. I’m not sure I have any meaningful friendships and mentally I worry that I’m giving up on the idea that life always balances out.

I breathe words and this is my first time writing in weeks if not months. I used to wake up and do it every morning. I used to feel like not writing was like not brushing my teeth or drinking water. There are moments where I’m driving or sitting at my desk and I worry that this is how it starts. That one day I’ll walk past a bookstore and linger for a second, wondering what happened to my aspirations of being on those shelves.

In 2017 I’ve been to Cuba, Paris and Belize. They all had their own charms about them and they all the things that were not so great about them but I understand one fundamental thing. I was blessed to be able to be there. I was blessed to make it back home from each and every one of those locations. Not everyone can say that.

I try my best for each of my blogs or articles to have a theme, a point that I build on and wrap up all tight and neat in a bow. I’m not sure this one will. I guess these past couple weeks everyone keeps asking me, “How have your Holidays been?” And I respond with, “They’ve been good.” I think I just wanted to come somewhere and say out loud, “They’ve actually been sort of crappy.”

I miss my grandmother. I miss coming home from work and being able to walk into a house that smells of freshly cooked food and warmth. This is the first Christmas I’ve ever had where I didn’t receive a gift and it’s weird because it’s not so much about getting anything as it is about the feeling or exchanging something with someone and that…. I can’t explain it.

On social media and to my family I have to be upbeat and glass half full. Because it’s about more than me, it’s about those around you not having to feel as though they need to save you from yourself. But sometimes you just need to tell your truth even if it’s to a couple strangers on a blog you haven’t written on since Thanksgiving.

Be safe out there this weekend and Happy Holidays.IMG_3740

Know the Difference Between Someone That Needs You; And Someone That Needs How You Make Them Feel

needYou ever felt unappreciated? Felt like you weren’t valued? I’m assuming we’ve all felt that way at one point in our lives. You’re doing everything you can for whatever situation you’re in and sometimes all you need is a, “I’m proud of you,” or an “I see the work you’re putting in.” When it never comes it can be demoralizing. You start to stop working as hard as you were because you feel like no one is noticing. And then it happens, someone comes along and compliments you. Tell you you’re doing a great job. They tell you everything you’ve been wanting and needing to hear and it warms you.

You go from feeling alone and lonely to feeling like someone sees you. You start to crave that feeling, you start to need that feeling. It isn’t coming from the person or company or whatever you wanted it to come from but for now it’s better than nothing. For now it feels like it’s coming from Heaven. It’s like getting water when you thought you were about to drown. It’s like sitting by a warm fire when before there was nothing but snow.

When someone needs you, loves you, there is no comparison. There is no Walmart or Kroger’s brand that can take your place. There’s no, “Do you know how many men or women want me?” “Do you know how many men or women text me?” Because they don’t see anyone else, no one else will do. But when someone simply needs how you make them feel, there’s always an alternative. Always someone they can call if only for one ride home from work. There’s always a text they can send and then delete like it never happened. They aren’t going on dates or lying but that feeling they need to feel; it doesn’t have to be you. That’s how you know.

I hate when people call me a good man. This isn’t the point in the article where I need people to comment, “but you are a good man.” That’s not why I wrote that. I hate when people say it because how can I be a good man with some of the things I’ve done? Some of the ways I’ve treated people? Some of the lies I’ve told? Does a year? Two years? Six months of redemption wash away the sins of my past? I’m not sure I’ll ever truly be a good man but I am sure I won’t stop trying. And I won’t let anyone make me feel as though it’s ever too late.

Don’t let people use you for your goodness because once they have what they want. They would have gotten what they needed and you’re back at square one.

~ Demez