Rainy Sunday Thoughts

When I was out yesterday afternoon waiting on my friends to show up I checked Instagram. Mainly just to kill time. I saw a woman getting ready for a wedding and then I realized something. The woman whose wedding she was getting ready for was the woman who I thought I would marry. That’s the thing about social media, you can cut all ties to the person you were in love with but six degrees of separation is real.

At that moment our lives flashed before my eyes. At that moment I realized she was about to get married while I’m sitting in a bar excited about beer and football. Beer and football? She was the one that didn’t want to settle down, that wanted to run wild and now she’s about to walk to the alter and I’m here?

Life is ironic like that I suppose. You think you know what makes you happy but do you really? My writing is at a place where the words come so naturally. I can see the story in my head and tell it with such ease that I often smile while I’m at my laptop. Is that happiness though? Talent maybe, dedication, but happiness?

A woman once looked me in the eyes and told me that I made beautiful excuses. “They sound amazing Demez but the truth is they’re still excuses. You lost me because you weren’t willing to do what it would take to keep me. You don’t have anything published because you’re more willing to talk about being a great writer than actually writing and taking the chance people won’t like it. I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore. When you wake up and decide to grow up you’ll be an amazing man but I can’t wait for that. Goodbye.” I hated her in that moment because the truth hurts but it was necessary. It changed my life. She’s about to get married and I’ve been up all morning writing, trying to become that amazing man she believed I could become.

Sitting at my desk, watching the rain fall, I often wonder if I’m substituting making memories for writing. Will I have regrets because of the dates I cancelled or the parties I didn’t go to because I’d rather be sitting at this desk creating a story? I don’t know how to answer that. I don’t know if I’ll ever know the answer to that. I just know how I feel when I’m finished telling one of these stories. How I feel when there’s a novel in my hands and I see that finished product. I believe at that moment it’s worth it.

~ Demez F. White
storms

Why Do I Believe In Love?

The n20140422-143306.jpgame of this blog was supposed to be called Attractions and Distractions but I was jogging and it started to pour down and I started to think about the last time I jogged and it rained. I was with this girl I was crazy about and she was running like a rabbit, I was dying trying to keep up with her. The rain made us tap out so we were standing under a basketball court waiting for the rain to die down.

It was maybe the most romantic moment of my life that was unplanned. She was stretching and smiling at me and we were the only two out there, I walked over to her thinking we were going to have this sweaty, rainy kiss in the park and she looked at me and smiled and started talking about another guy.

I can’t describe how I felt but you know what, we talked for like two hours that night about this guy. Why she loved him, why she wanted him, why they were going thru so much bullshit. And after all our talking and walking back to our cars the thing I remember most was her last words.

“I know you think I’m stupid but I just love him.”

The truth was I didn’t think she was stupid because love is that freaking AWESOME!

If you’re reading this blog you’re probably on social media enough to see all the relationship post, the lonely post, the dating post. People are either happy in love, trying to find love, trying to avoid love or just all of the above.

I believe in love because I believe in men and women. I believe that most of us are good people at our core, we just want to be happy and to have someone hold us down. Someone to care if we don’t come home at the usual time or if they go a day without talking to us.

I believe in love because I know the feeling of wanting more than anything just to hear a voice or to touch a hand or a lip or a fingertip. I know what it’s like to want to see someone so bad that you’ll leave work early just for twenty minutes of small talk and a hug goodbye.

To me love is so perfect and so worth writing about and if I need something to believe in, why not love?

A broken heart only has the weight it has because before it was broken it was filled with love and hope and passion! Love isn’t all roses and chocolates and John Legend on repeat, love is bigger than that, it’s a mindset, a SPIRITUAL AWAKENING!

Do you all want to know why I believe in my writing? Why I believe in the words I write? It’s because I believe in love. I have no fear of expressing my thoughts because we only get one life and one voice and if I can use mine championing passion and romance and love then I’ve lived one hell of a life.

Every text I get, every phone call, every inbox message or Instagram post; Before I read it I wonder is it going to be the message, the words that make me fall in love all over again? It’s a high I’m chasing and until I find it I’ll keep chasing it.

I really feel sorry for people that have given up on the idea of finding someone that will love them above all else. I am who I am, I have a big personality and a big voice. High expectations and even higher standards. I only expect those things because I’m willing to give them!

I believe in love because I believe in cakey FB pictures at 2am.

I believe in love because I believe in picking her up from work just because it’s raining and taking her to work because we had to leave her car there. Those are moments that love created, that we created because of that love.

To say I miss all that is an understatement. I’m not built to be single because I look at every woman like she’s the only one I’ve ever seen and in this day and age that’s ridiculous. I can’t change who I am, I don’t regret the broken hearts or the bullshit because without it I wouldn’t have my foundation.

I wouldn’t have my novel, I wouldn’t have Conversations Between Adults and most importantly I wouldn’t have the ability to do it all over again. A couple of days ago a guy sent me a message telling me to leave his girlfriend alone; now I hadn’t talked to her in awhile but I wasn’t even mad at him because love can make you crazy and selfish and scared. I’ve been all those things and I hated it but when you love someone so much you’re going to be afraid of losing them.

I actually hope they make it because life is too short to not love who you want and have them love you back.

I know I probably used the word “love” 3000 times but I’ve meant everything I wrote tonight. I’m looking forward to the day I can have all the things I write about with the woman I write about. If you all think I’m over the top now.

Wait until I’m actually getting off this laptop and getting into bed with someone.

Goodnight Beautiful People

Demez