“Jacob! Jacob! Don’t do this please! I’m sorry baby! I’m sooo sorry! Jacob! Call an ambulance! HELP! HEEELP! Please don’t go, not like this! Not like this! I’m sorry baby! I’m sorry!”
The room was spinning, I woke up wiping the blood on my sweats. Wait, there’s no blood on my sweats. There’s no blood on my hands, since the day he got shot every dream was the same. Every nightmare was the same. Holding him in my arms, the blood soaking thru my clothes, getting in my nails.
It was impossible to get it out of my nails.
His body still, Terrence standing there smiling, my heart breaking. My heart beating.
The bullet just inches away from his heart was still in his body, it was too close for them to remove it with the swelling. Another bullet collapsed a lung and the last bullet hit a major artery in his thigh which caused a lot of blood loss. Sitting in the waiting room you would have thought I was the one that got shot. I should have been the one that got shot.
We lived in a city with one of the best medical centers in the world. I knew they were doing everything they could but it was out of their hands now. My baby needed to fight! He needed to wake up and fight!
Looking down at my ring finger it was a sad irony that I was wearing the ring Terrence gave me to sneak in here like a criminal at night to see him. I told the nurses I was his fiancé and didn’t want to be bothered with people and questions during the day.
That wasn’t all wrong. Jacob was more of a husband to be than any man could ever be, we didn’t need rings or ceremonies to know we would have done anything for each other. Ten PM to Nine AM I was sitting at his bedside, reading a book to him, talking to him. Reminiscing with him, touching him.
His family hated me, his sister most of all. They all blamed me and I couldn’t blame them.
I couldn’t help but think none of this would have happened if I just would have just married Terrence. Sacrificing my happiness, a lifetime of happiness was worth him talking, smiling, breathing without a machine.
I sent her away, I helped her lie to him and the whole time that child was alive. His cheeks, his eyes, he was him and I deprived them of each other. No matter how many times I thought the tears were done they would start to fall again. My eyes hurt to the point where it was easier not to even wipe them away.
I prayed to God as hard as I could when I found out I couldn’t have a child. I just knew he was punishing me for having an abortion. I prayed even harder when I asked for strength to make it work with Terrence. And after all those prayers weren’t answered I just quit. What sense did it make to pray anymore?
What sense did it make to even care?
If God wasn’t going to help me be happy I would do what I had to do. So I lied to the one person that stood by me thru everything from the moment I met him. I lied to him with a smile on my face, I lied to him when he went to sleep every night on my shoulder with a broken heart over the child he would never know.
And after all that, after all the lies and the failed prayers we were going to be happy. Until three bullets shattered our world and God reminded me of why I should never have stopped praying. So here I was holding a vigil for my best friend, my lover and the man that saved me from myself.
“You don’t belong here!”
I didn’t need to turn around to recognize the voice. I knew this moment would come sooner or later, I was hoping later. She was never supposed to come back, maybe if Jacob hadn’t been looking at that little boy he would have seen Terrence. I just stared out the window; I didn’t want to face her.
I could taste the bile in my mouth at what we did, she was my coconspirator. We were both guilty but that didn’t stop me from blaming her just as much as I was sure she was blaming me.
Not now, I couldn’t face her now.
“He looks dead.” She was talking but I just wanted her to leave.
She kept talking like I wasn’t standing there.
“I keep thinking I should bring Julian to see him, I keep telling myself he should see his father. Maybe if Jacob feels him here he’ll wake up. But I don’t want him seeing him like this, not for the first time. I shouldn’t have ever left, the entire year I was gone. Being in the hospital surrounded by strangers I kept telling myself I did the right thing but when I saw him I knew there was no doubt.”
I was losing it!
“I don’t care!” I turned around and walked towards her! She was standing here, her hair sitting over her shoulder, everything about her too perfect!
“How in the hell did you have time to get your hair done, your nails… Where have you been if you were so worried about Jacob?! It’s been a week! You left because you’re a selfish bitch! You came to me because you weren’t willing to fight for him so you ran! And now you show up here telling me I shouldn’t be here! I was taking care of him when he was drunk and throwing away his life because he thought that child was gone! So fuck you!”
I saw her for what she was, it was frustration, hate, guilt, all of that I’m sure but I saw her for what and who she was! My voice wasn’t loud but my words were intense!
“You were more than willing to have me gone! Call me what you want but I’m not the one that got him shot! I’m not the one that kept him on a leash for years and only ran to him when you got embarrassed at you wedding! When he wakes up he’ll hate me and he’ll hate you more but I will always have his son! And you know this! That’s why you wanted me gone in the first place!”
I cocked my hand back to slap her but I put it down, what was I doing… Jake was clinging to life and I was arguing with her? What the hell was I doing, the fight left me.
She smirked and walked over to Jacob, I started to grab her arm when she touched his hair but I just stood there with my arms folded. The glare from the street lights on Main coming thru the window.
She screamed it before I did and when the nurses and doctors came running into the room she looked at me and I looked at her and at that moment we were thinking the same thing.
Jacob isn’t going to make it…
“He’s coding! He’s coding!!!”