Six Months Ago Today

img_0173It’s been six months since we buried my grandmother and in my mind and heart it feels like it was yesterday. I still live next door and on more days than I can count I come home looking for her to be outside watering the plants or sitting on the porch. I see her so vividly rocking her feet, a hat on her head to shield her from the sun.

The vision usually last a second or two before reality hits me. If I’m being honest, things have not been easy since she’s been gone. With her death a certain peace and tranquility I felt when I found myself getting angry or disappointed is now gone.

There are nights I pray, days I pray, that I can get it back. At times I feel myself slipping from reality and those that love me. I find myself isolated and cold, even in a room full of people. My only outlet, my only relief being my writing.

Are these feelings me just stumbling until I get back to the man I was or are they feelings that will just grow over time and take whatever goodness and sanity I have left? We live in a 15 second world. People will give you a day or two to grieve but that’s all you’re going to get. After that they want you to be normal, to do your job.

Sleep has become a privilege I no longer have access to. At 3:30 this morning I found myself tossing and turning, then I found myself lying on the couch, then I found myself sitting outside. My body weary of drinking, no sleep medication because I have to be at work in a couple hours. So just there, hoping for rain, hoping for sunlight. Hoping for something that would allow me to feel something.

I’m behind schedule. I need to get back to work. Just some random thoughts from a random writer.

Making Her Better For the Next Man

Blessings

Blessings

Whenever we date someone there is one inevitable fact that we all must face; especially after the age of 30. You’re either going to marry this person and live happily ever after or you two won’t have a future at all. Are there exceptions like friendship, having to work together, randomly hooking up? Sure but in the end they’ll either be your everything or your nothing.

I saw this meme the other day that said, “Sometimes a man’s job is to make her better for the next man,” or it could have said, “Sometimes a man’s job is to prepare her for her husband.” Don’t quote me on either one, just know I agree with the sentiment. Knowing what you don’t want in life is just as important as knowing what you do want. Hating her because you feel like you’re the perfect man for her and not understand why she doesn’t want you is drinking poison and hoping she dies. Happiness comes when you accept they are doing you a favor by walking away and that goes for a man or woman. Do you really want to be the person someone settled for?

It’s going to storm tonight. I spent the day cleaning up, sleeping, doing a little writing. Tonight I’ll cook dinner and listen to some jazz. A year ago, maybe even six months ago I would call someone to come over. Not for sex or because I was lonely but because nights like this are better with company. Nights like this are better with laughter and her sitting at the kitchen table talking and smiling while I cook. Call it companionship, call it courtship, call it friendship, either way it feels good. The problem is though, those feelings don’t last if there aren’t real intentions behind them. What’s an amazing night if tomorrow doesn’t matter?

You know a feeling we’ve all felt? Being at dinner with someone or having a conversation and we know that the person across from us is feeling us. You know that he or she would do anything in the world for you because you are you. It’s in the way they look at you, the way they talk to you, the way they talk about you. But no matter how much you try and care as much as they care, you just can’t, it’s not in you. You want to be turned on, you want to be excited but it’s just not there. At that point you have two options, you allow them to keep falling or you allow them to find someone that’s going to look at them like they look at you. Their love that you can’t accept is going to make you better because you realized it and let them go.

Real Men…. Pray

Blessings

Blessings

Real Men Pray
Real men like women with curves, real men wear suits, real men don’t drink fruity drinks. I’ve said this before and I’ll probably write it a dozen more times; as long as you’re taking care of your responsibilities as a man. Your family, working, keeping your word, then everything else is perception, preference. You’re not a real man if you like slim women? You’re not a real man if you consider dressing up slacks and a polo shirt? You’re not a real man if you spend a Saturday night in your underwear drinking pink panties or pina colada daiquiris with your girl? Okay, you keep being that guy. For me what makes me a real man is praying. Praying for the people I love, praying when I’m stressing or hurting or happy. Praying when I’m not sure how God is going to make a way but I know he’ll make a way.

I recently had a conversation with an atheist. She was a really smart woman and we clicked but she took offense to something I wrote. I basically said “I’m not sure I could love a woman that didn’t believe in God. I could accept short hair or a different race, maybe even different religions. But to know she didn’t believe in anything? I need to know we can pray together. I need to know if I’m hurting then she can pray for me or if she’s stressing we can pray together. I need to know we’re equally yoked.” The ironic thing was she kept trying to argue with me about, “How do you know there’s a God? You Christians this, you’re such hypocrites.” She was visibly angry and all I could tell her was, “I just know it in my heart.”

Awhile ago I read something that said, “You can’t change a person with your words, it has to be with your actions. You can tell people anything and in the beginning maybe that’s enough but eventually you have to put something behind those words.” That’s how prayer works for me. I often times ask God for a wife and then I get women in my life and mess it up. I ask for a new job and when someone comes to me and says, “Mez, I know somewhere that would be good for you but you’d have to move or you’d have to drive 45 minutes to work,” so I walk away. It’s not that God wasn’t listening, it’s that I wasn’t willing to work for that blessing. He’s not a genie, you don’t ask and tomorrow it falls in your lap. You have to put in work! Blood, sweat and tears behind that prayer, behind those words.

Real men pray because life can get hard. It can get confusing. You can feel like you have everything you want today and tomorrow it can be gone. Real men pray because it gives us clarity in what we have. There are nights where I’m sitting up wishing I could hop on a plane to wherever, wishing I lived in this perfect loft or drove this perfect car. In those moments I don’t pray for that loft or car I pray for understanding, for thanks. I’m not sleeping under a bridge, I’m not walking, I have air and food and family. Prayer isn’t always about asking and pleading, often times it’s about giving and being thankful. I’m not where I want to be but when I tell you I wake up every day and smile no matter how much I want to cry or feel sorry for myself. I smile because I’m here, I’m healthy and I’m gifted because I have breath in my lungs. Pray for me and I’ll pray for you. How many of those we know or love didn’t make it to tonight?

~ Demez F. White

If We Grocery Shop Together; We Go Together

Shopping Together

Shopping Together

You want to know what’s just as intimate as kissing or cuddling in boxers while there’s a thunderstorm raging in the background? What you only do with the woman you love because to do it with anyone else would be blah? Grocery shopping.

We can have dinner together, we can walk arm in arm around Memorial Park on a beautiful day or City Centre on a beautiful night but nothing means, “I’m into you,” more than if we grocery shop together. It means I’m buying the food you like, it means I’ll have yogurt when I probably would have just bought Blue Bell. It means I’m going to insist we go on a Saturday so we can eat samples at Sam’s or Specs. It means we’ll argue about what’s better, Honey Nut Cheerios or Frosted Flakes. It means you’ll fuss at me for wanting to buy steak because red meat isn’t good for me. Grocery shopping together means I’m telling you no other woman is going to be opening up my fridge. ‘

Have you ever come home and put food up? Had her chopping up onions or lettuce or tomato’s while you got the meat ready? Drank a beer while she drank wine while music played and no words are needed because it just feels right.

If we grocery shop together; we go together.

If you take off your shoes and bra and soon as you come to my house after work; we go together.

If you don’t ask for it but just go get it. You already know what we are.

I don’t make the rules, I just enjoy them. It’s been years since I made groceries with someone, I have a feeling it’s coming around sooner than I think.

You’re So Much Better Than You Know…

9447548-fashion-sexy-women-clothes-detailI write from the perspective of a single guy. If I had all the answers to relationships or marriage I’d be in a relationship or married. Pretending like I know it all isn’t something I’m comfortable doing. I often get asked why I’m single and most of the time I give an answer that sounds thoughtful or insightful but the truth is my expectations are crazy high. Like “does she even exist high?” But you know what, I wouldn’t lower them regardless because settling isn’t something that’s in me and it shouldn’t be in you. If you know what you want become a better you and get it!

All Star Weekend is in a couple of days and I read all these articles, blogs and social network post about women selling themselves or men spending their money. And what I think is this… If I had the wealth I’d be the guy flying women into Houston, buying out restaurants and putting my spoiled, arrogant woman in a hundred thousand dollar car. I’m willing to admit what most men won’t, it’s not the women wanting ballers that bother them. It’s not the men that are spending THEIR money that’s bothering them. It’s envy, jealously. Why else would you be worried about other people’s finance’s?

People don’t buy luxury cars because they want to get from point A to point B, you can buy a Honda Accord for that. Men don’t buy 300k townhomes or homes in gated communities for security; you can get a house in the suburbs for that. Men buy these cars with the leather and wood and heated seats for status. They work 21 hours a day to get that 1.2 million dollar home for status. Women are no different… That woman with the coke bottle shape, perfect features, well spoken, 600 dollar hair, nail and grooming bill a month. She isn’t dating a broke guy, she isn’t dating a guy that feels like “my money is my money” and “her money is her money.” You know what women talk like that, the women that hate those women.

Let me give you some advice about women that you don’t have to pay 29.99 for. There are three ways you’re probably going to get a beautiful, top 10% sort of woman. (1) Is you’re just a really attractive guy, charming, cool, God blessed you when it came to genes. (2) You’re successful, ambitious; you make good money, want to be great in life. Women love security and drive. (3) Talent, it’s why broke musicians, writers and artist can have the baddest chick in the room. Women love talent. When is the last time you saw a mediocre man that was moderately attractive and made 30k a year with a star?

It’s no different with women, there are not that many level headed, cool guys running around. This is strictly Demez talking… I work 10 hours a day building highways, a spend another 8 writing, building my brand or flirting. Do you think I want to spend my time with a woman that’s not like the women I write about?

That guy that’s sitting at his computer or on his phone ranting about how much of a bopper or gold-digger she is; he’s looking at his out of shape, boring girlfriend or wife sad as hell that the woman he’s investing so much time complaining about will never so much as look his way. That woman that thinks the guy spending money on this beautiful woman is stupid is looking at her mediocre man crying inside that she will never know what it’s like to be spoiled and pampered. Successful people invest their time in being great, not in what others are doing.

Instead of resenting them living their life, be better than what you are. Live up to your potential and get that woman that loves matching bras and panties, that knows the difference between workout tights, casual tights and formal tights. The one that turns heads when she walks into a room and owns that shit.

Don’t be mad at the woman that has guys lined up to take her out, to show her that they’re worthy of her time. I guarantee you for as pretty as she is, she goes to the gym, she eats right, she knows the difference between flirting and being easy. Men love that: become a better woman and watch your stock rise.

Look, this isn’t me knocking people that have settled for whatever in life. This is me saying it’s never too late to be a better you! It’s never too late to get a second income, to work out, to love yourself more than you do.

There is never an excuse for a woman to take care of a healthy, able man. You’re better than that! I promise you if you set the standard and the expectations he will listen and if he doesn’t listen he’s not worth it.