Don’t Lose Yourself In the Expectation of Others

Don’t Lose Yourself In the Expectation of Others
One of the easiest things in the world is to allow the weight of expectations to leave a permanent imprint on your life. You can want so badly to do right by everyone else that you forget what makes you happy and even worse, maybe you never knew what made you happy in the first place.

For me it’s always been writing, it’s always come so natural to me that I don’t believe I appreciated it like I should have. Over the past couple years money has become the motivation and I will be the first to tell you. Every cliché quote you’ve ever heard about doing something for love vs. doing it for money is true.

When I was writing for love, writing for Facebook likes and blog likes and just wanting people to absorb my words, I could write all night. I could barely sleep because I was so excited just to wake up and put words on this computer screen. Once it became an obligation, once putting words on this computer screen became contracts and deadlines, I wasn’t so anxious to get up and write anymore.

What I had to learn, what I’m still learning is that I have to make time for the passion. I have to close the screens that I’m obligated to and open the screens I need. And if that isn’t a microcosm of life I don’t know what is.

It’s okay to take a break from your obligations and feed your soul.

I plan on doing a lot more of that in the year of 2019.

 

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Men Don’t Have Biological Clocks That Tick But That Sense of Urgency A Week From Your Mid 30’s May Beat Here and There

I’m turniI feel young 34 in about a week and a half and though I don’t believe men have a biological clock I very much believe that men get to a point in their lives where they start to want to move forward. I used to write about wanting a son often in my earlier blogs years ago. I let social media bully and manipulate me into stopping.

“You’re thirst trapping with the whole nice guy routine.”

“If you wanted a good woman you could have had one by now.”

The list goes on and on. So I stopped. I stopped writing about wanting a wife and a son and the house with the neighbors my age and good public schools. Just because I stopped writing about those things doesn’t mean I don’t still very much want them. It doesn’t mean that with each day that passes by I don’t come to realization that I won’t have four or five children. I literally sit at my desk at five am and think to myself, “Self, you’ll need to get married in the next year and you’ll need your wife to get pregnant every year so that she isn’t 40 plus popping out babies that have a 50% chance of having birth defects.”

Do I have a biological clock that pounds a little harder every time I see a picture of a cute baby or see someone that shouldn’t be having children having them with ease? I doubt it but I do have a sense of urgency creeping up on me just as fast as the number 34 is.

Men and women have been profiting for ages trying to tell people what husband or wife material means. Writing definitions and standards that will lead you to the promise land of the alter and a perfect life. The truth is it’s all a lie. What you want is what you want and if that’s shallow and materialistic then that’s what it is. And if it’s beautiful and passionate then that’s what it is. Someone can be the ideal image of perfection to 93% of the world and to you they aren’t. You have to let them go because no matter how hard you try and convince yourself otherwise; you can never make apple juice out of lemons.

I’m not good at being friends with women. At least I wasn’t in the past. Maybe I flirted too much, maybe I made them feel as though they were more than friends. It could just be that I wasn’t a good friend myself and didn’t realize it. Either way what I’ve realized is that I need my wife to be that friend. I need to like her, I need to want to share good news with her. I need who she is as a woman to make me smile. I need to trust her above all else. Things I didn’t think about when I turned 30 or even 32.

My writing has shifted over the years. I don’t really give my opinion anymore about relationships and dating. I simply write about what I’m feeling or going through. Maybe someone reading will relate and find their voice in my words.

The surreal thing about life is that no matter what you tell yourself, no matter what you tell other people, you know the truth. And as cliché as it sounds, the truth will always set you free.