Gloomy Days

I feel as though the walls are closing in on me. The more the months, weeks, days go by I can feel myself becoming more and more withdrawn from everything I love, I care about. There are days I sit at my desk at work or at home and the words don’t flow like they use to, I scroll through my phone and there’s no one to call. I dial the numbers and have the conversations, we laugh and talk but when it’s over I feel empty, I feel like I didn’t say what I wanted to say.

Wondering does anyone know what this feels like? What it feels like to know a hundred people, to always have to be smart or charming or funny when all you want to do is ask someone to pray with you, to pray for you, to give you a hug because you don’t know if you’re okay.

There’s an inherent sadness in me that I can’t shake, that I can’t let go of. A part of me that feels like no matter what I do or say I’m destined to be a failure. It’s the weirdest thing to be this man that’s so outwardly confident and aggressive. This man that’s always talking to others about love and honor and respect. About doing better because you deserve better! How can I be that guy when I have these days where my lows are so unbelievably low?

Women don’t like weak men, how can I be weak?
My family expects me to be a leader, how can I do that if I have these thoughts?

I worry for myself, I worry that I’ll end up alone. That I’ll never have a wife or son. Someone told me that I’m incapable of truly loving anyone because something in me is broken. I see these couples that are happy and moving forward after months together and can I do that?

I’m 31 and there are days where I feel beyond unaccomplished. I’m not a bestseller, no one is in love with me. I don’t even have a friend I can call, I have to write this on my blog. I’m starting to hate my job, I used to love it, now it feels like a prison cell.

Would I be ungrateful to say I’m just not happy, to say I’m afraid of what this unhappiness is doing to my soul? To my ability to love? To grow? How can I feel this empty when so many have so much less than me?

Like my mood, like my spirit the weather has become gloomy,, cold and stormy. Pray for me because I believe I need your prayers more than any of us will ever know. May God have mercy on my soul.


Late Nights… Early Mornings

“You call my boss and I’ll call yours.” She drank yesterday and most of the night like it was NYE. We both did but it didn’t bother me much. My baby on the other hand…

Her naked body was under the covers, the only thing visible were strands of her hair on the pillow and a couple of pink fingernails reaching for her cell phone.

Looking out the window at the cloudy sky I knew neither one of us was going to work today. She was joking about us calling each others bosses because she wasted no time calling hers. In a matter of seconds she went from groggy and sluggish to professional and serious.

“I’m not coming in today. Push back my two morning meetings to Wednesday morning and forward any important messages to my iPad.”

She threw the phone on the floor and sit up stretching. Maybe it was instinct or lust or just morning wood but seeing her nipples made me climb back in the bed. Every time I touched one and heard her moan I could feel her body transforming.

I swear I knew her body better than I knew my own. The harder I sucked the nipple the more her legs opened. Her body was like a game, you reach one level and the next was even wetter.

“Let me sit on it.” She whispered it like she didn’t want anyone else to hear. Lying flat on my back in the middle of the bed she climbed on top of me. The warmth of her pussy always suprised me.

I closed my eyes and focused on us talking, her smile, her laugh. I focused on everything except her grinding and riding me because if I opened my eyes and looked into hers I would cum in 30 seconds.

To be continued…