Who Do You Run To?

Life is defined by moments. dwhite

In-between going to work and making up the bed and brushing our teeth there are moments that shape us. Moments that make us who we are and stay with us. When you’re having a bad day, when you’re having a good day, when you just need to talk to someone. Who is it that you run to?

For some it’s their best friend, for some it’s their mother or sister. For most people in a relationship it’s going to be their significant other. That moment you get good news, he or she is the first person that pops in your mind. He or she is the only person you want to share that news with.

If they aren’t, they should be. It’s not just good news though, when your heart is broken and you need someone to help you put it back together, that man or woman you say you’re in love with; that should be the person you go to first. The person you talk to. If it’s not, then they don’t need to be in your life.

Accepting truths aren’t always easy because feelings get involved, comfort levels get involved. But if you’re more comfortable texting a friend or a random guy on twitter than you are the person you’re with; you just aren’t with the right person. Sometimes we get so caught up in who someone is that we don’t stop and think about how that person makes us feel.

Wake Up Calls

Wake Up Calls

Wake Up Calls

A lot of people think relationships are like romantic comedies. You meet someone, you realize you’re falling in love, you live happily ever after. The longer I was single the more I started to see having a girlfriend and potentially a wife as this perfect situation. When I met her and realized I was falling in love, realized I didn’t want her giving another man the feeling she was giving me it was the easiest thing in the world to make that commitment. To tell her, “Baby, I don’t want anyone else, you’re my world now.” That was in the beginning. Over time though we’ve settled into a routine and life happened.

We still have amazing sex but now it’s twice a week instead of damn near every night. I still wake up before her and watch her sleep at times but I don’t slide my hand under the sheets as much. We talk, we text, we laugh but the passion. The passion that came into our lives like a tidal wave just didn’t drown us like it did before.

Sitting in a meeting, trying to focus on work, all I could think about was how did we get here? I could live with arguing or fighting but this was different. We were becoming boring, comfortable. I wish I could say it was all her, she didn’t send the same pictures she used to send. “I’m not going to have a hacker having my ass on the internet. You see it every night so why do you need pictures?” She loves me, she still cooks and worries, there isn’t a selfish bone in her body but it’s just different. I still bring home flowers but now it just feels like a chore. Trying to remember the last time I picked her up in the middle of the day for lunch, I couldn’t. I used to do that for her once a week.

Seeing her name pop up on my phone with a video attached I put it back in my pocket. It was probably a video of a cat with a baseball cap on or a wedding dance that she thought was perfectly cute. Finishing the meeting, a little small talk, my phone vibrated again. “So I guess you didn’t like my video. I better send it to someone that does.” Wanting more than anything to avoid a fight I clicked on the video and my eyes immediately shot to the door because in a matter of seconds I couldn’t control what was happening in my pants. He woke up and anyone that would have walked into my office would have went to human resources with the quickness.

Where the bed was in our guest room was now replaced with a pole. A chair was sitting in the corner and music was playing in the background. “I know we’ve been in a funk lately, I don’t want us to be that couple. I’m saving a seat for you but until you get here I’ve learned a trick or two. So sit back and enjoy.” Sitting on the edge of my desk, watching my wife move her body to the music like she could perform at any club in Houston my mouth literary watered. A ripped up tank top and panties, she spun and bounced and dropped and when she sat in the chair and licked her finger and said, “I guess I have to get started without you.” What came next made me stop the video and tell my boss I had to go home right now!

Walking in the door, candles lit everywhere, the curtains closed. Music playing throughout the house; I walked to the guest room having to stop myself from running. Opening the door, seeing the pole, seeing the chair, handcuffs lying on the floor who was this woman because she wasn’t the wife I knew? Walking into the kitchen, seeing her on her tippy toes in that same tank top, in those same panties. Moving her body to the music while she cooked I just watched. She knew I was watching, the closer I got to her the harder she bounced it, shook it. Turning around and looking me in my eyes, “You must have watched the video. This isn’t free just because you’re my husband. Get on your knees and tell her you’re sorry for not waking her up in the morning like she’s used to. Tell her you’re sorry for not taking her to lunch once a week and after you tell her you’re sorry, give her a kiss.”

That half a day turned into us calling in the next day and rediscovering what we loved about each other’s bodies. Letting the nastiness settle in and the comfort level take us to places we’ve never went to. You don’t start looking for someone else when things go left; you fix what’s worth fixing. What’s worth fighting for.

You Can’t Have A Relationship Without A Friendship

conversation You Can’t Have A Relationship Without A Friendship

“You can have a friendship without a relationship, but you can’t have a relationship without a friendship.” ~ James Michael Sama

When I was younger I had a bad habit of putting women on pedestals. Everything needed to be perfect; we didn’t go on dates in sweats and t-shirts. There was never any bad hair days or moments where we were super comfortable and honest. I may have been a good boyfriend but I was a horrible friend. So in essence all I was; was a boy. It doesn’t take a lot to be romantic but romance fades. Great sex covers a lot of dysfunction but that fades. Friendships are different though, friendships can withstand so much more than relationships.

A relationship without a friendship means that problems, concerns, insecurities that she has, that she needs to talk about. She won’t be talking about them with you because she doesn’t see you as a friend, as someone she can confide in. That’s why so many people are getting divorced and living these superficial relationships because it’s all about appearances. We look good in pictures together, we look good on date nights but that’s hollow.

A couple should be able to sit on the couch or on the porch and just talk. No filters or sugar coating but actual conversation about any and everything. No judgment, no anger. Sure, there may be an awkward moment but you should be able to laugh it off. She should be able to sit on your lap and cry and in that moment feel better about her situation because you’re there.

I once wrote that nothing compares to a woman that’s in love with you praying for you. It’s different from your mother, sister, grandmother or daughter because there’s an intimacy there that by nature can’t exist with anyone else. That bond that you share with the woman you love makes her not just want to see the best in you but she wants the best for you. Friendships are the same way. The friendship you have with a woman you love doesn’t compare to her girls or mother or some guy friend from college. There’s no competition because that friendship is the base for that relationship.

What Love Isn’t?

woman in rain Love shouldn’t have you feeling anything but amazing. So often people mistake hurt, loneliness, lust for love but the truth is when you’re really in love it gives you more than it takes from you. It becomes such a big part of you that it changes you.

One- You should never feel lonely. Even when the person you love is away there should always be a part of him or her that’s with you. It’s okay to miss someone or to need to feel them or see them but that need should never make you feel empty.

Two- Love is happy, you laugh more, you lose track of time when you’re on the phone having dinner. Text and inside jokes that wouldn’t be funny to anyone else in the world is funny to just the two of you. People around you see that happiness, some resent it, some envy it, some want it. Either way they see it, it shows in our walk, our voice, our actions.

Three- Love is giving. You never really ask, “what about me?” It becomes what can I do to make this person happy. You can have this mindset because you know that they’re going to do everything in their power to make you feel the same way. You can’t wait to kiss her, to buy a gift, to cook a dinner. She can’t wait to surprise you in the morning or buy tickets to a game. The more you feed into love the more it gives back to you. Especially when it’s genuine.

Four- Love isn’t shameful or sneaky. I always smile when I hear people say they hide their relationship because they don’t want others in their business. I haven’t been able to share my love with the world in the past and it fucked me up. When you’re in love you want to tell the world about how great she is, about how everything she does is just dope! You take a bunch of cheesy pictures, you look rough when you’ve spent the weekend over there because you didn’t want to go home. Going home meant less time you could spent together. If she’s sick and needs me, I’m there because love says I need to be there. I want to be there.

Five- Comfort. The best sleep in the world is when you’re sleeping next to someone that you know has your back. You have a bad day at work, there’s no worrying because the worst day at work doesn’t compare to a simple day with her. Ten hours of bullshit and meetings and whatever is wiped out by her smiling and asking what you want for dinner.

Love is a lot more things but it’s almost time for me to go home so I’ll pick this up at a later date. Love is really cool during the Holidays by the way!