We Had A Baby Last Night

“If I can’t eat, neither can you.” Those were the last slurry words she spoke to me before she fell asleep from the epidural she swore she would never get. That’s an entirely other story I’ll tell at a later date. We’d been at the hospital since 9:00am and the doctor told her not to eat anything. What should have been a routine check up turned into the doctor telling us to come straight to the maternity ward.

“You’re about to have a baby.” He said with excitement.

No bags were backed, we were in separate cars, both planning on heading to work. Now we were being told we were about to have a baby one week early when she wasn’t even dilated past three centimeters. After a couple hours of running around and making arrangements we were in the birthing room arguing about the pain medicine she swore she would never take.

“If I can’t eat, neither can you.”

I waited until she was good and knocked out before telling my mom I was going to get something to eat. The least I could do was wait until she couldn’t see me eating. Memorial Hermann in the Heights is a weird location. It’s close to a million restaurants but almost none of them are in walking distance.

Walking distance for New York maybe but not for Houston.

But right next door to this massive Hospital is a small Mexican restaurant. No flat screens or fancy tables. No granite counter tops or 12 dollar margaritas. Just cold Coronas in a big ice chest and tequilas I can’t name. Starving and needing to get back to the birth of my first son I ordered something quick and then something happened.

You know that thing that happens in the movies where the music gets dramatic and you know the story is about to take a dark turn. My mother’s name popped up on my caller ID. If you knew my mom you’d know one thing about her, she never asks me for anything. That means seeing her name meant I knew she wasn’t calling to ask me to bring her some food.

“Dr. Ahmed is here. There’s something the matter with the baby’s heartbeat, it’s dipping too low and they can’t wait for it to stabilize. They need to perform a C-section now! You need to get back here Demez.” Ten minutes ago we were laughing and anticipating my son coming at six in the morning. Now at 8:30pm they were telling me if they didn’t perform this emergency C-section he might not make it here. Throwing a twenty on the counter and running back to the hospital I stepped off the elevator and as soon as I walked into the room there were nurses and doctors everywhere prepping her.

The epidural was causing her to shake uncontrollably and the anesthesia was making her nauseas and sleepy. With her eyes barely open and squeezing my hand she asked me, “Do you remember your promise? If it’s between me and Lennox, choose him.” For months she’d been telling me this and for months I’d been telling her that nothing was going to happen. Now here we were with her having a bad reaction to the epidural she didn’t want to get and my son’s heartbeat dropping with every second.

“I remember what I promised you. I got you. I love you. Nothing is going to happen.”

My mom and sisters helped me put on my sterilization gear. I followed the doctors and nurses to the operating room. This is the part that literally shook me to my core. Up until this point I was sure everything was going to be alright but they put me in a waiting room that felt like purgatory.

I’m alone in this waiting room and there’s one bench and no one else can be in this room. The nurses tell me to wait and they’ll come back for me. I can see my family and her family on the other side of the door every time it opens begging me with their eyes for answers I don’t have. At this point I don’t have to be brave for anyone. Not for B, not for my family, not for her family. I’m alone and now I have nothing but my own fears. What if my son doesn’t make it onto this earth? What if his mother doesn’t? What if neither of them do? Closing my eyes and praying to God for what seemed like the first time in months all I asked is that they both make it out okay.

The operating room is cold and sterile and quiet. They walk me over to her and ask me to keep her calm, to make her laugh. I’m supposed to make her laugh when she’s terrified and shaking. Cool, let me do my Kevin Hart impression while his wife is delivering a baby. I tell her to remember our trips, to think about the first place we’ll take Lennox. I tell her to focus on me and to focus on what it will be like to hold him.

In the midst of me talking I hear the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard in my life.

I hear Lennox Noire White crying. At 9:13pm on 6 August 2018 I hear my son crying for the first time. Cleaning him up, they place him in my arms since B is still being operated on. He’s 6 pounds 11 ounces and the most beautiful boy I’ve ever seen. A thick head of curly black hair, incredibly quiet for all he’s just put us thru and my world.

An hour later his mom is wheeled into the room on her bed and holds him for the first time.

That was my Monday.

That was the story of how I almost had a heart attack trying to say hello to my son.

I Can’t Wait To Teach You How To Be A Proud Black Man

Dear Lennox,

I Can’t Wait To Teach You How To Be A Proud Black Man

Since your mother walked into the kitchen on that January evening and told me about you I’ve been thinking of what I wanted for you, of how long I’ve been waiting on you to get here. This world, this world you’re about to be born into isn’t the kindest of places to little black boys that will grow up to be black men. We will do our best to protect you and shield you from that ugliness but that will be a time when we aren’t there. When you become aware of your skin tone, of the way you’re perceived.

It will be in that moment that you still hold your head up high, that you don’t respond with anger or violence or fear but respond with the confidence of knowing where you come from, who you come from and who you are.

Text books will tell you that slavery never existed.

Schools will tell you that the Civil War was over States Rights.

Teachers will want to silence you if you ask too many questions.

Slavery did exist.

The Civil War happened because they wanted to keep us in chains.

Ask all the questions you want and I will have your back.

I want you to grow up watching your mother laugh, watching us be affectionate. I want you to know that it’s cool to love a woman, to need a woman, that they are not easily replaced. I don’t want you to sexualize them before you even know what sex should be. I won’t tell you it’s cute when you grab a woman on her ass. I won’t smile when you sing words to songs you shouldn’t be listening to. I want you to understand that love is an amazing feeling and has nothing to do with your hormones.

I’ll never be your friend but I’ll always be someone that you can come to and talk to about any and everything. I won’t judge you or curse you out but I will tell you when you’re wrong. I will tell you when you have to live with the consequences of your actions. And then I’ll hug you, I’ll hug you because my father never hugged me and I grew up thinking that made me tough.

There’s nothing tough about hiding your emotions. Nothing tough about needing to cry, about wanting to cry but holding it in because you don’t want to be seen as weak. There’s nothing soft about hugging your mother or calling her when you’ve had a bad day. You won’t know what it feels like to have to do it on your own blindly. To have to search for answers. We will be here to give you the blueprint so that when you go into this world you won’t be blindsided the cruelty of it.

I’ve been a lot of places. Traveled and enjoyed their cultures, their food, their music but I’ve also collected books in each of these places. Books to teach you, books to make you want to explore the world one day. I read to you while you’re in there baking, I rub her stomach and tell you about the beaches of Belize. I kiss her belly and tell you about where Langston Hughes studied in Paris and where Eddie Murphy ate steak off a models back. I talk to you because I want you to know the sound of peace when you hear your father’s voice.

Your biggest responsibility as my son will be being yourself. I’d love for you to love reading and writing and boxing. But if you end up loving dance and painting, I’m going to support you.

The first time your mother heard your heartbeat on a monitor she cried. Not like one of those sweet teary eyed cries but an actual ugly cry. I didn’t cry, I didn’t shed a tear. I just closed my eyes and said a prayer that you make it into this world okay.

10 Reasons Why I Believe I’m Falling In Love With You

Common-Romantic-Regrets One- I check your Facebook every day. Not really to see who you’re talking to or what guys are saying but just to look at pictures, to see your face. I like seeing your face, seeing your smile.

Two- When you call my entire personality changes. I smile more, I don’t get out the truck, I blow off work for twenty minutes, your voice makes me realize just how much nothing matters more than talking to your pretty ass.

Three- I love your ambition, I find myself talking about you to strangers just because you’re you.

Four- I could care less about having sex with you, our conversations are enough. The way you stimulate my mind means more than any woman has ever done to me physically.

Five- When I write it’s you I see.

Six- The things that make me ignore most women, complaining, whining, crying, all those things bring me closer to you. They make me want to spend more time with you.

Seven- I watch you sleep, not in a creepy way or Silence of the Lambs way but just in a way that brings me comfort. I wonder what you’re dreaming about. I like pulling you close and having you sink your body into mines.

Eight- I have a feeling that when you’re completely into me the amount of freaky and sexy in you will turn me out. It will change my life.

Nine- I love your simplistic beauty.

Ten- Loyalty. To your friends, to your family, to me. Even though we haven’t known each other for long I love how you’re willing to have my back. I love how you talk to me and see me in a way that makes me feel like you care. I know you care. I’m falling in love with you and I don’t care who knows it.

Losing You Made Me Better For Her

There are mornings I wake up and I see you in front of me wrapped in a towel fresh out the shower.

There are mornings I’m cooking breakfast when I get off work and I want to come in the bedroom, kiss you on your cheek and tell you to come eat before it gets cold.

I miss you or maybe I miss the things we did or maybe I miss the way you made me feel or maybe I just miss having someone.

Writing in the morning I have visions of you sneaking up behind me, pushing my chair back, moving my laptop and sitting on the edge of my desk. Your robe parted, my hands cold so your thighs shivering at my touch.

Your scent natural and unique, your skin soft and inviting. Most mornings I don’t even miss sex, I just miss kissing your stomach and lying there, feeling your warmth. Being consumed by the storm your presence brought to my life. I needed to lose that storm, I needed to fall into abyss to realize what I had. I won’t mess up next time, I know this in my heart, in the depths of my soul.

Maybe it’s not fair but the next woman won’t have to deal with the mood swings, the insecurities, the fear of failure and regret I wore like a backpack full of bricks. Your smile was so perfect, your laugh, your lips. I don’t miss kissing you, I miss that moment right before a kiss when you know it’s coming and your heart beats just a little bit faster. The next her will feel my presence in everything she does because I’ll make myself so memorable and honorable that her heart will beat for me like it has never beaten for another man. I owe that to my failure with you.

I won’t take her for granted when she tells me she just needs to feel like we’re progressing. I won’t turn to readers and alcohol and groupies when she’s too tired or working or needs her space. I’ll be everything to her that I wasn’t to you because I don’t ever want to see hate in another woman’s eyes that’s because of me. I want her tears to come from orgasms she can’t control and joy she can’t hide. Not heartbreak and fear and rage. We will fight over the remote, not because I didn’t come home.

Do I have regrets? Everyday and everyday I’m learning to move on from those regrets. There’s a part of me that’s still closed off and that scares me because I want to give my all. The all I didn’t give to you. You made me better and I just want to thank you for that. I still check up on you from time to time. I may not call or text but know I’m watching, I’m here, if you ever need anything.

~ 20140822-233539.jpgDemez

Pray For Me and We Go Together

20140629-172456.jpg Praying women change lives.

A praying woman is necessary in this life. Knowing you have that guardian Angel that only wants the best for you. That cries when you can’t, that begs God to make sure you make it home okay when you’re drunk. Not our mothers, our grandmothers or our daughters will ever pray for us like the woman that loves us intimately and passionately. More than your lips, breast or thighs I need that from you the most.

A woman calls you and asks you to dinner, that’s great. She calls you for drinks after work, then maybe she likes you. But when a woman asks you to church, worries about your spiritual well being, that’s when you know it’s real.

The way my faith is set up I couldn’t be with a woman that didn’t pray. That can’t understand the joy I feel when I go from feeling hopeless to feeling like everything will be okay. Every man needs that. So if you pray for me, we go together. Unless you’re family and then we’re just cool.

Amen

Coretta Scott King: More than the Wife of a King

Coretta Scott King in college.

Coretta Scott King in college.

“If a man had nothing that was worth dying for, then he was not fit to live.”
~ Coretta Scott King

There are some women that just make a lasting impression. It doesn’t matter when you meet them or for how long, once you do, you’re just impressed. I’m sitting at my computer researching an article I’m writing about the early years of Dr. King and Coretta Scott King’s relationship and something strange happened. I realized that I was falling in love with Coretta Scott King, Dr. King has been gone for a while and so has she but I almost felt as though I was doing something wrong.

I just couldn’t help it though, the more I read about her, the more I became fascinated by not just her strength after he was assassinated but with the woman she was before she became his wife. I could go into full writer mode and break it down but we live in a 15 minutes of less society so I’ll make it simple.

I’ll tell you all why she may be my favorite woman of all time!

One- When she was ten she picked cotton with her siblings so that her family could have extra money. Her father was the first black man in their town to own his own pickup truck and he built a lumber mill. When he refused to sell it they white men in the town burned it down. She knew struggle, sacrifice and hard work from an early age.

Two- Her sister was the first African American girl to go to an all white college. She took it one step further and tried to be the first woman to become a teacher in that district but they wouldn’t let her. So she left and took a scholarship at a college in Boston. She was willing to fight but knew that some battles just couldn’t be won.

Three- She’s a sorority girl. A member of Alpha Kappa Alpha to be exact. Who doesn’t love a sorority girl?

Four- She gave up her singing career to be the wife of a Baptist Preacher in Alabama. She wasn’t singing in lounges and clubs she was a degreed, talented opera singer. For her love and being with a man that could make a difference mattered more than her career.

Five- She’s gorgeous and all we have is black and white pictures. Could you imagine what she would look like in color and if she had Instagram filters? Beautiful, brave, hard working, smart and can sing? She’d be huge!

Six- The first time she met Dr. King’s father he told her that he didn’t think a singing career was cool for a minister’s wife. She told him, “Who told you I was taking your son seriously?” She then told Martin that she couldn’t talk to a man that couldn’t stand up to his father. She also asked that the word “obey” be removed from her vows. This was in the 1950’s where women rarely spoke up like that. That’s confidence and heart.

Seven- After his death she hesitated in taking a leadership role in the Civil Rights Movement but eventually she did and she kept his legacy and the legacy they created together going.

Eight- She was cool with JFK, everyone wants to be cool with JFK.

Nine- MLK Day, the King Center in Atlanta, all of these are monuments to her husband that she built. She was the one that pushed through legislation to get her husband a Holiday because of all he’d done. She was the one that fought Boston University to get his papers even though she lost.

Ten- She never remarried after Dr. King, never dated or gave her time to any other men. For as long as she lived she kept her vows even though he was gone. That’s loyalty, that’s incredibly cool.

You Can’t Replace What You Can’t Let Go

I haven’t been able to write in a long time and it scares me. The words used to come with such ease, the sentences like rain drops on a stormy day.

Now I’m struggling to write a sentence on a sheet of blank white paper. I literally sit at my desk for hours trying to find the words to be great.

Drinking more, thinking more, stressing more. I can’t sleep when I get off work, I can’t sleep when I’m not at work. I miss having a muse.

I’ve tried with all my heart to replace her. I’m not talking days or months, I’m talking years. To find someone that can inspire the words like she did.

You know how much I miss talking to someone every morning before work, what those 40 minute conversations did for my sanity. You know how much I miss sexy text and jealousy.

I just want to be great and the truth is I don’t know how to be great alone.

Demez

What You Won’t Do… Another Man Will

hot-sec.jpgI often write very glowingly about women, pretty much on a daily basis. I do this because I’m a positive person, what I don’t say, what I don’t really write about is how many really manipulative and nasty women there are in this world and there are a lot. Not too many women are going to fall in that top 10 percentile.

Beauty.

Brains.

Heart.

Ambition.

Intelligence.

Sex Appeal.

So when men find one like that I think what happens is they get spoiled and the longer she’s in his life, the more he takes for granted just how special she is. Especially if he isn’t her equal. If we looked at things from a biblical, religious point of view… we’re all created equal. We’re all God’s children. But this is the real world and in the real world we’re judged by our actions, our motives, our ambitions, not our intentions.

Intentions get you nowhere in life, you could have the best intentions in the world and still be a screw up. Life is about actions and reactions, ambitions and plans. When I was out last night and this afternoon I saw a couple of women that were really exceptional. I knew them from FB and I’d met them out and about once or twice but this weekend I got to really look at them.

That’s actually the cool thing about FB, you can get to know someone from a distance and once you meet them you sort of put their internet persona with their live persona and you have it all. And what I got from them was… their men must have been idiots. Look, I’m fully aware that you’ll never know a woman from the outside looking in but what I do know is that I’m a good judge of character.

And you would be amazed at how many men lose good women over the following things.

Insecurity- If your woman is pretty, men are going to flirt with her, ex’s will never stop calling or texting or sending FB messages no matter how many times she tells him she’s taken. It’s the price you pay for having a bad ass woman. And if a guy doesn’t feel like he deserves her or he sees the way people look at them when they walk into a room. He’s going to blow it eventually because he’ll never live up to what he thinks she wants. Not realizing that what she wants is him, including all your shortcomings.

Jealously- This is the weird one, a small amount of jealously adds passion, it shows concern, women like the idea that you still get a little salty over that co-worker that calls after work hours or the bartender that’s a little too friendly. But that’s pretty much where it stops. Tripping over guy friends, checking phones and calling too much, that will have her drained. And once a woman gets drained it’s over.

Whores- This is self explanatory.

Finances- When a woman is selfless, she’s really selfless. I know women that don’t go shopping for themselves without buying the man in their life something. They go out of their way for his birthday, for Christmas, if he gets a promotion. They take pride in giving. When a man can’t do the same, it hurts his pride and pride is a slow ticking time bomb to her cashing out.
Now let me wrap this up in a bow and bring in full circle.

There will always be men on the outskirts that see the jealously, insecurity, other women, money issues and just stress he’s putting her under. These aren’t the guys that will blow her phone up or call her to throw salt on the guy. These aren’t guys that will ask her to dinner or lunch. These are just men that appreciate who and what she is and know that women like her are rarely single. These are the guys that probably lost a good woman and have no intention on letting a woman like yours slip away. So if you don’t treat her right one of these guys will.

What people forget is that there was a man in Michelle’s life before Barack. There was a man in Beyonce’s life before Sean. There was a man in Kate’s life before William. These are extreme examples but the point is the still the same, women make men better, they have throughout time. And when you find one that makes you better, don’t fuck it up.

If You Dont Love Yourself; Who Will?

So I’m going to leave the sexy stuff alone for today, I want to talk about something else. Something that’s just as important if not more important than being sexually fulfilled. What is that you ask?

I want to talk about loving yourself, it’s a phrase that most of us take for granted, including myself. I mean, who doesn’t love themselves is what most of you are saying but I want you to take two and a half seconds and think about it.

1001

1002

Okay, stop thinking and read!

Every single person that is reading my words right now, you want to know a secret? Look at the screen very carefully.

YOU ARE SPECIAL! GOD CREATED YOU FOR A PURPOSE AND THAT PURPOSE WAS NOT TO BE SAD OR USED OR ABUSED OR PLAYED! YOU ARE A MIRACLE AND YOUR LIFE IS TO BE CHERISHED AND FRUITFUL AND PRODUCTIVE!

I’m not bible scholar but I did grow up in the church and one of my favorite scriptures is, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” There will always be people that are just negative, I don’t think they’re haters or mean spirited; I just think somewhere in their lives they were hurt to the point of no return. So when they see you trying to climb out of a hole, they don’t know how to reach down and help you… They only know how to walk away or tell you why you should stay in the hole.

LIFE CAN BE HARD! IT CAN BE STRESSFUL! IT CAN MAKE YOU CRY!

But there’s always redemption if you love yourself because you know that you have YOUR best interest at heart!

Part of loving yourself is knowing who you can and can’t be around, knowing who’s negative just because and who’s giving you constructive criticism. Words are my babies so I know the power they have, the power they have to cut, to burn, to choke! You can’t love yourself if you surround yourself with negativity. It’s like trying to stay dry with no umbrella in a rainstorm.

WE’RE ALL BEAUTIFUL TO SOMEONE!

WE’RE ALL ADORED BY SOMEONE!

WE’RE ALL LOVED BY SOMEONE!

I have met women that were perfect for me in the physical sense but horrible for me in the spiritual and emotional sense. I’ve had friends that were my dogs, ride or die but they were not the sort of men I wanted to be Godparents to my children. In learning to love myself I had to learn to accept that not everyone is meant to be in my circle, not everyone is meant to partake in the love I have for myself and for them.

DON’T EVER FORGET THAT THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN YOUR LIFE IS YOU! MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR MATE, YOUR CHILD, YOUR PARENTS! WHY…

Because if you’re not happy, it’s going to be hard as hell to make the people around you happy.

It’s sounds amazingly romantic to say, “I’m losing myself in love.” But when you make that decision to lose yourself in someone, you’re making a decision to lose your identity. To sacrifice the natural love you have for yourself and project all of you on someone else. I’m not saying you shouldn’t give your all but what I am saying is, don’t forgot that the only way you can love anyone is to love yourself.

So tonight…

SMILE!

TREAT YOURSELF TO A CUPCAKE, A DRINK, DINNER!

We’re human, we’re not meant to be alone but we’re also not meant to give up and settle. Life is too short not to know how special you are.

My name is Demez F. White and I believe in you. I believe that you have the ability to do whatever you want in this life if you’re willing to work at it.

Enjoy this beautiful Sunday night and I hope each and everyone of you have a great Monday morning!

3 Reasons Why Side Chicks Will Never Win In Life…

182240_562470723185_118401058_31406809_1126638_nLet me be perfectly clear about what this blog is about. I’m not one of those writers or men that’s going to sit here and pretend like men won’t always have women on the side. This isn’t me condoning it nor saying it’s okay, it’s simply me acknowledging that adultery and creeping exist. However, no matter how attractive or interesting the woman or man in some cases on the side is, know this… There is rarely a future for him or her with the person they’re cheating with. We as a society are very forgiving of the man that cheats on his wife but rarely do we forgive the women that “drove” him to that sin. These five are rational reasons why or in some cases irrational.

Three- Society- People love talented and strong men, we are forgiving of these men despite their flaws. Their wives forgive them, their girlfriends forgive them, their children forgive them. The companies they run or nations they lead or stadiums they fill forgive them. Magic Johnson caught and could have given them HIV and he’s loved, Bill Clinton got head in the oval office and people are saying he saved President Obama’s Presidency. Athletes, musicians, authors and everyday men get other women pregnant or lie and a year later it’s like it was a small inconvenience. So where does that blame go, where does the hate and resentment and judgment go? It goes to the woman, it goes to the woman that had the audacity to fall for a married man or man in a relationship. We don’t care what he told her or if he lied or manipulated her, we just know she broke up a marriage and we hate her for it regardless if that’s the truth of not.

Two- Perfection- Do you know why so many men fall so hard for the woman on the side? It’s not the sex, most girlfriends and wives are just as horny as we are. It’s the perceived perfection. All the conversations are sexy and flirty and you connect over complaining about what “she” isn’t doing. Or what “he” isn’t doing. There’s no stomach viruses or bills or waiting up when a child is sick or a loved one dies. The woman on the side is like a vacation, you never see her with her hair wrapped and big panties on. You never see her bloated and cramping. She laughs when you call her at four am and tell her you were at the strip club or can’t sleep. So if that day comes when that side woman is given a promotion most men still expect that perfection, they expect that easy going, do what you want baby mindset. Once the woman realizes she’s in a no win situation; she can be that woman and get ran over or she can be who is wife was and get cheated on like she did. You keep them how you got them or you lose them how you got them.

One- Distrust- I can’t speak for all men but most of us have the same mindset despite our educational, economic or social backgrounds. If a woman will cheat with us she’ll cheat on us. If a woman will allow us to cheat with her, she should understand when we want to cheat on her. If a woman is willing to creep on her man with me, why wouldn’t she creep on me? These questions will plague us every time she’s coming home late or goes to visit her mother or goes on a vaca with her girls. Trust is as fragile as an infant’s touch. Once that trust is put in jeopardy the world will never be the same.